Giacomo Smith
CORPORATION, n.An ingenious device for obtaining individual
profitwithout individual responsibility.CORSAIR, n.A politician of the
seas.
COURT FOOL, n.The plaintiff.
COWARD, n.One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
CRAYFISH, n.A small crustacean very much resembling the lobster,
butless indigestible.
In this small fish I take it that human wisdom is admirablyfigured and
symbolized; for whereas the crayfish doth move onlybackward, and can
have only retrospection, seeing naught but theperils already passed, so the
wisdom of man doth not enable him toavoid the follies that beset his
course, but only to apprehendtheir nature afterward.
Sir James Merivale
CREDITOR, n.One of a tribe of savages dwelling beyond the
FinancialStraits and dreaded for their desolating incursions.
CREMONA, n.A high-priced violin made in Connecticut.
CRITIC, n.A person who boasts himself hard to please because
nobodytries to please him.
There is a land of pure delight, Beyond the Jordan's flood, Where
saints, apparelled all in white, Fling back the critic's mud.
And as he legs it through the skies, His pelt a sable hue, He sorrows
sore to recognize The missiles that he threw.
Orrin Goof
CROSS, n.An ancient religious symbol erroneously supposed to owe
itssignificance to the most solemn event in the history of Christianity,but
really antedating it by thousands of years.By many it has beenbelieved to
be identical with the _crux ansata_ of the ancient phallicworship, but it has
been traced even beyond all that we know of that,to the rites of primitive
peoples.We have to-day the White Cross asa symbol of chastity, and the
Red Cross as a badge of benevolentneutrality in war.Having in mind the
former, the reverend FatherGassalasca Jape smites the lyre to the effect
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following:
"Be good, be good!" the sisterhood Cry out in holy chorus, And, to
dissuade from sin, parade Their various charms before us.
But why, O why, has ne'er an eye Seen her of winsome manner And
youthful grace and pretty face Flaunting the White Cross banner?
Now where's the need of speech and screed To better our behaving? A
simpler plan for saving man (But, first, is he worth saving?)
Is, dears, when he declines to flee From bad thoughts that beset him,
Ignores the Law as 't were a straw, And wants to sin -- don't let him.
CUI BONO?[Latin]What good would that do _me_?
CUNNING, n.The faculty that distinguishes a weak animal or
personfrom a strong one.It brings its possessor much mental
satisfactionand great material adversity.An Italian proverb says:"The
furriergets the skins of more foxes than asses."
CUPID, n.The so-called god of love.This bastard creation of
abarbarous fancy was no doubt inflicted upon mythology for the sins ofits
deities.Of all unbeautiful and inappropriate conceptions this isthe most
reasonless and offensive.The notion of symbolizing sexuallove by a
semisexless babe, and comparing the pains of passion to thewounds of an
arrow -- of introducing this pudgy homunculus into artgrossly to
materialize the subtle spirit and suggestion of the work --this is eminently
worthy of the age that, giving it birth, laid it onthe doorstep of prosperity.
CURIOSITY, n.An objectionable quality of the female mind.Thedesire
to know whether or not a woman is cursed with curiosity is oneof the most
active and insatiable passions of the masculine soul.
CURSE, v.t.Energetically to belabor with a verbal slap-stick.Thisis an
operation which in literature, particularly in the drama, iscommonly fatal
to the victim.Nevertheless, the liability to acursing is a risk that cuts but a
small figure in fixing the rates oflife insurance.
CYNIC, n.A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are,not
as they ought to be.Hence the custom among the Scythians ofplucking out
a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.
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THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY
D
DAMN, v.A word formerly much used by the Paphlagonians, the
meaningof which is lost.By the learned Dr. Dolabelly Gak it is believed
tohave been a term of satisfaction, implying the highest possible degreeof
mental tranquillity.Professor Groke, on the contrary, thinks itexpressed an
emotion of tumultuous delight, because it so frequentlyoccurs in
combination with the word _jod_ or _god_, meaning "joy."Itwould be with
great diffidence that I should advance an opinionconflicting with that of
either of these formidable authorities.
DANCE, v.i.To leap about to the sound of tittering music,
preferablywith arms about your neighbor's wife or daughter.There are
manykinds of dances, but all those requiring the participation of the
twosexes have two characteristics in common:they are
conspicuouslyinnocent, and warmly loved by the vicious.
DANGER, n.
A savage beast which, when it sleeps, Man girds at and despises, But
takes himself away by leaps And bounds when it arises.
Ambat Delaso
DARING, n.One of the most conspicuous qualities of a man insecurity.
DATARY, n.A high ecclesiastic official of the Roman Catholic
Church,whose important function is to brand the Pope's bulls with the
words_Datum Romae_.He enjoys a princely revenue and the friendship
ofGod.
DAWN, n.The time when men of reason go to bed.Certain old
menprefer to rise at about that time, taking a cold bath and a long
walkwith an empty stomach, and otherwise mortifying the flesh.They
thenpoint with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdyhealth
and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old,not because of
their habits, but in spite of them.The reason we findonly robust persons
doing this thing is that it has killed all theothers who have tried it.
DAY, n.A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent.This periodis
divided into two parts, the day proper and the night, or dayimproper -- the
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former devoted to sins of business, the latterconsecrated to the other
sort.These two kinds of social activityoverlap.
DEAD, adj.
Done with the work of breathing; done With all the world; the mad
race run Though to the end; the golden goal Attained and found to be a
hole!
Squatol Johnes
DEBAUCHEE, n.One who has so earnestly pursued pleasure that he
hashad the misfortune to overtake it.
DEBT, n.An ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of the slavedriver.
As, pent in an aquarium, the troutlet Swims round and round his tank
to find an outlet, Pressing his nose against the glass that holds him, Nor
ever sees the prison that enfolds him; So the poor debtor, seeing naught
around him, Yet feels the narrow limits that impound him, Grieves at his
debt and studies to evade it, And finds at last he might as well have paid it.
Barlow S. Vode
DECALOGUE, n.A series of commandments, ten in number --just
enoughto permit an intelligent selection for observance, but not enough
toembarrass the choice.Following is the revised edition of theDecalogue,
calculated for this meridian.
Thou shalt no God but me adore: 'Twere too expensive to have more.
No images nor idols make For Robert Ingersoll to break.
Take not God's name in vain; select A time when it will have effect.
Work not on Sabbath days at all, But go to see the teams play ball.
Honor thy parents.That creates For life insurance lower rates.
Kill not, abet not those who kill; Thou shalt not pay thy butcher's bill.
Kiss not thy neighbor's wife, unless Thine own thy neighbor doth
caress
Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete Successfully in business.Cheat.
Bear not false witness -- that is low -- But "hear 'tis rumored so and
so."
Cover thou naught that thou hast not By hook or crook, or somehow,
got.
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THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY
DECIDE, v.i.To succumb to the preponderance of one set of
influencesover another set.
A leaf was riven from a tree, "I mean to fall to earth," said he.
The west wind, rising, made him veer. "Eastward," said he, "I now
shall steer."
The east wind rose with greater force. Said he:"'Twere wise to change
my course."
With equal power they contend. He said:"My judgment I suspend."
Down died the winds; the leaf, elate, Cried:"I've decided to fall
straight."
"First thoughts are best?"That's not the moral; Just choose your own
and we'll not quarrel.
Howe'er your choice may chance to fall, You'll have no hand in it at
all.
DEFAME, v.t.To lie about another.To tell the truth about another.
DEFENCELESS, adj.Unable to attack.
DEGENERATE, adj.Less conspicuously admirable than one's
ancestors. The contemporaries of Homer were striking examples of
degeneracy; itrequired ten of them to raise a rock or a riot that one of the
heroesof the Trojan war could have raised with ease.Homer never tires
ofsneering at "men who live in these degenerate days," which is
perhapswhy they suffered him to beg his bread -- a marked instance
ofreturning good for evil, by the way, for if they had forbidden him
hewould certainly have starved.
DEGRADATION, n.One of the stages of moral and social progress
fromprivate station to political preferment.
DEINOTHERIUM, n.An extinct pachyderm that flourished when
thePterodactyl was in fashion.The latter was a native of Ireland, itsname
being pronounced Terry Dactyl or Peter O'Dactyl, as the manpronouncing
it may chance to have heard it spoken or seen it printed.
DEJEUNER, n.The breakfast of an American who has been in Paris.
Variously pronounced.
DELEGATION, n.In American politics, an article of merchandise
thatcomes in sets.
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DELIBERATION, n.The act of examining one's bread to determine
whichside it is buttered on.
DELUGE, n.A notable first experiment in baptism which washed
awaythe sins (and sinners) of the world.
DELUSION, n.The father of a most respectable family,
comprisingEnthusiasm, Affection, Self-denial, Faith, Hope, Charity and
manyother goodly sons and daughters.
All hail, Delusion!Were it not for thee The world turned topsy-turvy
we should see; For Vice, respectable with cleanly fancies, Would fly
abandoned Virtue's gross advances.
Mumfrey Mappel
DENTIST, n.A prestidigitator who, putting metal into your
mouth,pulls coins out of your pocket.
DEPENDENT, adj.Reliant upon another's generosity for the
supportwhich you are not in a position to exact from his fears.
DEPUTY, n.A male relative of an office-holder, or of his bondsman.
The deputy is commonly a beautiful young man, with a red necktie andan
intricate system of cobwebs extending from his nose to his desk. When
accidentally struck by the janitor's broom, he gives off a cloudof dust.
"Chief Deputy," the Master cried, "To-day the books are to be tried By
experts and accountants who Have been commissioned to go through Our
office here, to see if we Have stolen injudiciously. Please have the proper
entries made, The proper balances displayed, Conforming to the whole
amount Of cash on hand -- which they will count. I've long admired your
punctual way --Here at the break and close of day, Confronting in your
chair the crowd Of business men, whose voices loud And gestures violent
you quell By some mysterious, calm spell -- Some magic lurking in your
look That brings the noisiest to book And spreads a holy and profound
Tranquillity o'er all around. So orderly all's done that they Who came to
draw remain to pay. But now the time demands, at last, That you employ
your genius vast In energies more active.Rise And shake the lightnings
from your eyes; Inspire your underlings, and fling Your spirit into
everything!" The Master's hand here dealt a whack Upon the Deputy's bent
back, When straightway to the floor there fell A shrunken globe, a rattling
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THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY
shell A blackened, withered, eyeless head! The man had been a
twelvemonth dead.
Jamrach Holobom
DESTINY, n.A tyrant's authority for crime and fool's excuse forfailure.
DIAGNOSIS, n.A physician's forecast of the disease by the
patient'spulse and purse.
DIAPHRAGM, n.A muscular partition separating disorders of the
chestfrom disorders of the bowels.
DIARY, n.A daily record of that part of one's life, which he canrelate
to himself without blushing.
Hearst kept a diary wherein were writ All that he had of wisdom and
of wit. So the Recording Angel, when Hearst died, Erased all entries of his
own and cried: "I'll judge you by your diary."Said Hearst: "Thank you;
'twill show you I am Saint the First" -- Straightway producing, jubilant and
proud, That record from a pocket in his shroud. The Angel slowly turned
the pages o'er, Each stupid line of which he knew before, Glooming and
gleaming as by turns he hit On Shallow sentiment and stolen wit; Then
gravely closed the book and gave it back. "My friend, you've wandered
from your proper track: You'd never be content this side the tomb --For
big ideas Heaven has little room, And Hell's no latitude for making mirth,"
He said, and kicked the fellow back to earth.
"The Mad Philosopher"
DICTATOR, n.The chief of a nation that prefers the pestilence
ofdespotism to the plague of anarchy.
DICTIONARY, n.A malevolent literary device for cramping the
growthof a language and making it hard and inelastic.This
dictionary,however, is a most useful work.
DIE, n.The singular of "dice."We seldom hear the word, becausethere
is a prohibitory proverb, "Never say die."At long intervals,however, some
one says:"The die is cast," which is not true, for itis cut.The word is found
in an immortal couplet by that eminent poetand domestic economist,
Senator Depew:
A cube of cheese no larger than a die May bait the trap to catch a
nibbling mie.
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THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY
DIGESTION, n.The conversion of victuals into virtues.When
theprocess is imperfect, vices are evolved instead -- a circumstance
fromwhich that wicked writer, Dr. Jeremiah Blenn, infers that the ladiesare
the greater sufferers from dyspepsia.
DIPLOMACY, n.The patriotic art of lying for one's country.
DISABUSE, v.t.The present your neighbor with another and
bettererror than the one which he has deemed it advantageous to embrace.
DISCRIMINATE, v.i.To note the particulars in which one person
orthing is, if possible, more objectionable than another.
DISCUSSION, n.A method of confirming others in their errors.
DISOBEDIENCE, n.The silver lining to the cloud of servitude.
DISOBEY, v.t.To celebrate with an appropriate ceremony the
maturityof a command.
His right to govern me is clear as day, My duty manifest to disobey;
And if that fit observance e'er I shut May I and duty be alike undone.
Israfel Brown
DISSEMBLE, v.i.To put a clean shirt upon the character. Let us
dissemble.
Adam
DISTANCE, n.The only thing that the rich are willing for the poor
tocall theirs, and keep.
DISTRESS, n.A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of
