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THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY
THE DEVIL'S
DICTIONARY
by AMBROSE BIERCE
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THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY
AUTHOR'S PREFACE
_The Devil's Dictionary_ was begun in a weekly paper in 1881, and
wascontinued in a desultory way at long intervals until 1906.In thatyear a
large part of it was published in covers with the title _TheCynic's Word
Book_, a name which the author had not the power toreject or happiness to
approve.To quote the publishers of thepresent work:
"This more reverent title had previously been forced upon him bythe
religious scruples of the last newspaper in which a part of thework had
appeared, with the natural consequence that when it came outin covers the
country already had been flooded by its imitators with ascore of 'cynic'
books -- _The Cynic's This_, _The Cynic's That_, and_The Cynic's
t'Other_.Most of these books were merely stupid, thoughsome of them
added the distinction of silliness.Among them, theybrought the word
'cynic' into disfavor so deep that any book bearingit was discredited in
advance of publication."
Meantime, too, some of the enterprising humorists of the countryhad
helped themselves to such parts of the work as served their needs,and
many of its definitions, anecdotes, phrases and so forth, hadbecome more
or less current in popular speech.This explanation ismade, not with any
pride of priority in trifles, but in simple denialof possible charges of
plagiarism, which is no trifle.In merelyresuming his own the author hopes
to be held guiltless by those towhom the work is addressed -- enlightened
souls who prefer dry winesto sweet, sense to sentiment, wit to humor and
clean English to slang.
A conspicuous, and it is hope not unpleasant, feature of the bookis its
abundant illustrative quotations from eminent poets, chief ofwhom is that
learned and ingenius cleric, Father Gassalasca Jape,S.J., whose lines bear
his initials.To Father Jape's kindlyencouragement and assistance the author
of the prose text is greatlyindebted.
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THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY
A
ABASEMENT, n.A decent and customary mental attitude in the
presenceof wealth of power.Peculiarly appropriate in an employee
whenaddressing an employer.
ABATIS, n.Rubbish in front of a fort, to prevent the rubbish
outsidefrom molesting the rubbish inside.
ABDICATION, n.An act whereby a sovereign attests his sense of
thehigh temperature of the throne.
Poor Isabella's Dead, whose abdication Set all tongues wagging in the
Spanish nation. For that performance 'twere unfair to scold her: She wisely
left a throne too hot to hold her. To History she'll be no royal riddle --
Merely a plain parched pea that jumped the griddle.
ABDOMEN, n.The temple of the god Stomach, in whose worship,
withsacrificial rights, all true men engage.From women this ancientfaith
commands but a stammering assent.They sometimes minister atthe altar in
a half-hearted and ineffective way, but true reverencefor the one deity that
men really adore they know not.If woman had afree hand in the world's
marketing the race would becomegraminivorous.
ABILITY, n.The natural equipment to accomplish some small part
ofthe meaner ambitions distinguishing able men from dead ones.In thelast
analysis ability is commonly found to consist mainly in a highdegree of
solemnity.Perhaps, however, this impressive quality isrightly appraised; it
is no easy task to be solemn.
ABNORMAL, adj.Not conforming to standard.In matters of thought
andconduct, to be independent is to be abnormal, to be abnormal is to
bedetested.Wherefore the lexicographer adviseth a striving toward
thestraiter [sic] resemblance of the Average Man than he hath to himself.
Whoso attaineth thereto shall have peace, the prospect of death andthe
hope of Hell.
ABORIGINIES, n.Persons of little worth found cumbering the soil of
anewly discovered country.They soon cease to cumber; they fertilize.
ABRACADABRA.
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THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY
By _Abracadabra_ we signify An infinite number of things. 'Tis the
answer to What? and How? and Why? And Whence? and Whither? --a
word whereby The Truth (with the comfort it brings) Is open to all who
grope in night, Crying for Wisdom's holy light.
Whether the word is a verb or a noun Is knowledge beyond my reach. I
only know that 'tis handed down. From sage to sage, From age to age --
An immortal part of speech!
Of an ancient man the tale is told That he lived to be ten centuries old,
In a cave on a mountain side. (True, he finally died.) The fame of his
wisdom filled the land, For his head was bald, and you'll understand His
beard was long and white And his eyes uncommonly bright.
Philosophers gathered from far and near To sit at his feat and hear and
hear, Though he never was heard To utter a word But "_Abracadabra,
abracadab_, _Abracada, abracad_, _Abraca, abrac, abra, ab!_" 'Twas all he
had, 'Twas all they wanted to hear, and each Made copious notes of the
mystical speech, Which they published next --A trickle of text In the
meadow of commentary. Mighty big books were these, In a number, as
leaves of trees; In learning, remarkably -- very!
He's dead, As I said, And the books of the sages have perished, But his
wisdom is sacredly cherished. In _Abracadabra_ it solemnly rings, Like an
ancient bell that forever swings. O, I love to hear That word make clear
Humanity's General Sense of Things.
Jamrach Holobom
ABRIDGE, v.t.To shorten.
When in the course of human events it becomes necessary forpeople to
abridge their king, a decent respect for the opinions ofmankind requires
that they should declare the causes which impelthem to the separation.
Oliver Cromwell
ABRUPT, adj.Sudden, without ceremony, like the arrival of a
cannon-shot and the departure of the soldier whose interests are
mostaffected by it.Dr. Samuel Johnson beautifully said of anotherauthor's
ideas that they were "concatenated without abruption."
ABSCOND, v.i.To "move in a mysterious way," commonly with
theproperty of another.
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THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY
Spring beckons!All things to the call respond; The trees are leaving
and cashiers abscond.
Phela Orm
ABSENT, adj.Peculiarly exposed to the tooth of detraction;
vilifed;hopelessly in the wrong; superseded in the consideration and
affectionof another.
To men a man is but a mind.Who cares What face he carries or what
form he wears? But woman's body is the woman.O, Stay thou, my
sweetheart, and do never go, But heed the warning words the sage hath
said: A woman absent is a woman dead.
Jogo Tyree
ABSENTEE, n.A person with an income who has had the forethought
toremove himself from the sphere of exaction.
ABSOLUTE, adj.Independent, irresponsible.An absolute monarchy
isone in which the sovereign does as he pleases so long as he pleasesthe
assassins.Not many absolute monarchies are left, most of themhaving been
replaced by limited monarchies, where the sovereign'spower for evil (and
for good) is greatly curtailed, and by republics,which are governed by
chance.
ABSTAINER, n.A weak person who yields to the temptation of
denyinghimself a pleasure.A total abstainer is one who abstains
fromeverything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in theaffairs
of others.
Said a man to a crapulent youth:"I thought You a total abstainer, my
son." "So I am, so I am," said the scrapgrace caught -- "But not, sir, a
bigoted one."
ABSURDITY, n.A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent
withone's own opinion.
ACADEME, n.An ancient school where morality and philosophy
weretaught.
ACADEMY, n.[from ACADEME] A modern school where football
istaught.
ACCIDENT, n.An inevitable occurrence due to the action of
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THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY
immutablenatural laws.
ACCOMPLICE, n.One associated with another in a crime, having
guiltyknowledge and complicity, as an attorney who defends a
criminal,knowing him guilty.This view of the attorney's position in
thematter has not hitherto commanded the assent of attorneys, no
onehaving offered them a fee for assenting.
ACCORD, n.Harmony.
ACCORDION, n.An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of
anassassin.
ACCOUNTABILITY, n.The mother of caution.
"My accountability, bear in mind," Said the Grand Vizier:"Yes, yes,"
Said the Shah:"I do -- 'tis the only kind Of ability you possess."
Joram Tate
ACCUSE, v.t.To affirm another's guilt or unworth; most commonly
as ajustification of ourselves for having wronged him.
ACEPHALOUS, adj.In the surprising condition of the Crusader
whoabsently pulled at his forelock some hours after a Saracen scimitarhad,
unconsciously to him, passed through his neck, as related by deJoinville.
ACHIEVEMENT, n.The death of endeavor and the birth of disgust.
ACKNOWLEDGE, v.t.To confess.Acknowledgement of one
another'sfaults is the highest duty imposed by our love of truth.
ACQUAINTANCE, n.A person whom we know well enough to
borrow from,but not well enough to lend to.A degree of friendship called
slightwhen its object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich
orfamous.
ACTUALLY, adv.Perhaps; possibly.
ADAGE, n.Boned wisdom for weak teeth.
ADAMANT, n.A mineral frequently found beneath a corset.Soluble
insolicitate of gold.
ADDER, n.A species of snake.So called from its habit of
addingfuneral outlays to the other expenses of living.
ADHERENT, n.A follower who has not yet obtained all that he
expectsto get.
ADMINISTRATION, n.An ingenious abstraction in politics, designed
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THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY
toreceive the kicks and cuffs due to the premier or president.A man
ofstraw, proof against bad-egging and dead-catting.
ADMIRAL, n.That part of a war-ship which does the talking while
thefigure-head does the thinking.
ADMIRATION, n.Our polite recognition of another's resemblance
toourselves.
ADMONITION, n.Gentle reproof, as with a meat-axe.Friendly
warning.
Consigned by way of admonition, His soul forever to perdition.
Judibras
ADORE, v.t.To venerate expectantly.
ADVICE, n.The smallest current coin.
"The man was in such deep distress," Said Tom, "that I could do no
less Than give him good advice."Said Jim: "If less could have been done
for him I know you well enough, my son, To know that's what you would
have done."
Jebel Jocordy
AFFIANCED, pp.Fitted with an ankle-ring for the ball-and-chain.
AFFLICTION, n.An acclimatizing process preparing the soul
foranother and bitter world.
AFRICAN, n.A nigger that votes our way.
AGE, n.That period of life in which we compound for the vices thatwe
still cherish by reviling those that we have no longer theenterprise to
commit.
AGITATOR, n.A statesman who shakes the fruit trees of his
neighbors-- to dislodge the worms.
AIM, n.The task we set our wishes to. "Cheer up!Have you no aim in
life?" She tenderly inquired. "An aim?Well, no, I haven't, wife; The fact is
-- I have fired."
AIR, n.A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence
forthe fattening of the poor.
ALDERMAN, n.An ingenious criminal who covers his secret
thievingwith a pretence of open marauding.
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THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY
ALIEN, n.An American sovereign in his probationary state.
ALLAH, n.The Mahometan Supreme Being, as distinguished from
theChristian, Jewish, and so forth.
Allah's good laws I faithfully have kept, And ever for the sins of man
have wept; And sometimes kneeling in the temple I Have reverently
crossed my hands and slept.
Junker Barlow
ALLEGIANCE, n.
This thing Allegiance, as I suppose, Is a ring fitted in the subject's nose,
Whereby that organ is kept rightly pointed To smell the sweetness of the
Lord's anointed.
ALLIANCE, n.In international politics, the union of two thieves
whohave their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pockets that
theycannot separately plunder a third.
ALLIGATOR, n.The crocodile of America, superior in every detail
tothe crocodile of the effete monarchies of the Old World.Herodotussays
the Indus is, with one exception, the only river that producescrocodiles,
but they appear to have gone West and grown up with theother rivers.From
the notches on his back the alligator is called asawrian.
ALONE, adj.In bad company.
In contact, lo! the flint and steel, By spark and flame, the thought
reveal That he the metal, she the stone, Had cherished secretly alone.
Booley Fito
ALTAR, n.The place whereupon the priest formerly raveled out
thesmall intestine of the sacrificial victim for purposes of divinationand
cooked its flesh for the gods.The word is now seldom used,except with
reference to the sacrifice of their liberty and peace by amale and a female
tool.
They stood before the altar and supplied The fire themselves in which
their fat was fried. In vain the sacrifice! -- no god will claim An offering
burnt with an unholy flame.
M.P. Nopput
AMBIDEXTROUS, adj.Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand
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THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY
pocketor a left.
AMBITION, n.An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies
whileliving and made ridiculous by friends when dead.
AMNESTY, n.The state's magnanimity to those offenders whom it
wouldbe too expensive to punish.
ANOINT, v.t.To grease a king or other great functionary
alreadysufficiently slippery.
As sovereigns are anointed by the priesthood, So pigs to lead the
populace are greased good.
Judibras
ANTIPATHY, n.The sentiment inspired by one's friend's friend.
APHORISM, n.Predigested wisdom.
The flabby wine-skin of his brain Yields to some pathologic strain,
And voids from its unstored abysm The driblet of an aphorism.
"The Mad Philosopher," 1697
APOLOGIZE, v.i.To lay the foundation for a future offence.
