APOSTATE, n.A leech who, having penetrated the shell of a turtleonly
to find that the creature has long been dead, deems it expedientto form a
new attachment to a fresh turtle.
APOTHECARY, n.The physician's accomplice, undertaker's
benefactorand grave worm's provider.
When Jove sent blessings to all men that are, And Mercury conveyed
them in a jar, That friend of tricksters introduced by stealth Disease for the
apothecary's health, Whose gratitude impelled him to proclaim: "My
deadliest drug shall bear my patron's name!"
APPEAL, v.t.In law, to put the dice into the box for another throw.
APPETITE, n.An instinct thoughtfully implanted by Providence as
asolution to the labor question.
APPLAUSE, n.The echo of a platitude.
APRIL FOOL, n.The March fool with another month added to his
folly.
ARCHBISHOP, n.An ecclesiastical dignitary one point holier than
abishop.
9
THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY
If I were a jolly archbishop, On Fridays I'd eat all the fish up -- Salmon
and flounders and smelts; On other days everything else.
Jodo Rem
ARCHITECT, n.One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a
draftof your money.
ARDOR, n.The quality that distinguishes love without knowledge.
ARENA, n.In politics, an imaginary rat-pit in which the
statesmanwrestles with his record.
ARISTOCRACY, n.Government by the best men.(In this sense the
wordis obsolete; so is that kind of government.)Fellows that wear
downyhats and clean shirts --guilty of education and suspected of
bankaccounts.
ARMOR, n.The kind of clothing worn by a man whose tailor is
ablacksmith.
ARRAYED, pp.Drawn up and given an orderly disposition, as a
rioterhanged to a lamppost.
ARREST, v.t.Formally to detain one accused of unusualness.
God made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh.
_The Unauthorized Version_
ARSENIC, n.A kind of cosmetic greatly affected by the ladies,
whomit greatly affects in turn.
"Eat arsenic?Yes, all you get," Consenting, he did speak up; "'Tis
better you should eat it, pet, Than put it in my teacup."
Joel Huck
ART, n.This word has no definition.Its origin is related asfollows by
the ingenious Father Gassalasca Jape, S.J.
One day a wag -- what would the wretch be at? -- Shifted a letter of
the cipher RAT, And said it was a god's name!Straight arose Fantastic
priests and postulants (with shows, And mysteries, and mummeries, and
hymns, And disputations dire that lamed their limbs) To serve his temple
and maintain the fires, Expound the law, manipulate the wires. Amazed,
the populace that rites attend, Believe whate'er they cannot comprehend,
And, inly edified to learn that two Half-hairs joined so and so (as Art can
do) Have sweeter values and a grace more fit Than Nature's hairs that
10
THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY
never have been split, Bring cates and wines for sacrificial feasts, And sell
their garments to support the priests.
ARTLESSNESS, n.A certain engaging quality to which women attain
bylong study and severe practice upon the admiring male, who is
pleasedto fancy it resembles the candid simplicity of his young.
ASPERSE, v.t.Maliciously to ascribe to another vicious actions
whichone has not had the temptation and opportunity to commit.
ASS, n.A public singer with a good voice but no ear.In VirginiaCity,
Nevada, he is called the Washoe Canary, in Dakota, the Senator,and
everywhere the Donkey.The animal is widely and variouslycelebrated in
the literature, art and religion of every age andcountry; no other so
engages and fires the human imagination as thisnoble vertebrate.Indeed, it
is doubted by some (Ramasilus, _lib.II., De Clem._, and C. Stantatus, _De
Temperamente_) if it is not agod; and as such we know it was worshiped
by the Etruscans, and, if wemay believe Macrobious, by the Cupasians
also.Of the only twoanimals admitted into the Mahometan Paradise along
with the souls ofmen, the ass that carried Balaam is one, the dog of the
Seven Sleepersthe other.This is no small distinction.From what has been
writtenabout this beast might be compiled a library of great splendor
andmagnitude, rivalling that of the Shakespearean cult, and that
whichclusters about the Bible.It may be said, generally, that allliterature is
more or less Asinine.
"Hail, holy Ass!" the quiring angels sing; "Priest of Unreason, and of
Discords King!" Great co-Creator, let Thy glory shine: God made all else,
the Mule, the Mule is thine!"
AUCTIONEER, n.The man who proclaims with a hammer that he
has pickeda pocket with his tongue.
AUSTRALIA, n.A country lying in the South Sea, whose industrial
andcommercial development has been unspeakably retarded by an
unfortunatedispute among geographers as to whether it is a continent or
anisland.
AVERNUS, n.The lake by which the ancients entered the
infernalregions.The fact that access to the infernal regions was obtained
11
THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY
bya lake is believed by the learned Marcus Ansello Scrutator to
havesuggested the Christian rite of baptism by immersion.This,
however,has been shown by Lactantius to be an error.
_Facilis descensus Averni,_ The poet remarks; and the sense Of it is
that when down-hill I turn I Will get more of punches than pence.
Jehal Dai Lupe
B
BAAL, n.An old deity formerly much worshiped under various names.
As Baal he was popular with the Phoenicians; as Belus or Bel he hadthe
honor to be served by the priest Berosus, who wrote the famousaccount of
the Deluge; as Babel he had a tower partly erected to hisglory on the Plain
of Shinar.From Babel comes our English word"babble."Under whatever
name worshiped, Baal is the Sun-god.AsBeelzebub he is the god of flies,
which are begotten of the sun's rayson the stagnant water.In Physicia Baal
is still worshiped as Bolus,and as Belly he is adored and served with
abundant sacrifice by thepriests of Guttledom.
BABE or BABY, n.A misshapen creature of no particular age, sex,
orcondition, chiefly remarkable for the violence of the sympathies
andantipathies it excites in others, itself without sentiment or emotion.
There have been famous babes; for example, little Moses, from
whoseadventure in the bulrushes the Egyptian hierophants of seven
centuriesbefore doubtless derived their idle tale of the child Osiris
beingpreserved on a floating lotus leaf.
Ere babes were invented The girls were contended. Now man is
tormented Until to buy babes he has squandered His money.And so I have
pondered This thing, and thought may be 'T were better that Baby The
First had been eagled or condored.
Ro Amil
BACCHUS, n.A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an
excusefor getting drunk.
Is public worship, then, a sin, That for devotions paid to Bacchus The
lictors dare to run us in, And resolutely thump and whack us?
12
THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY
Jorace
BACK, n.That part of your friend which it is your privilege
tocontemplate in your adversity.
BACKBITE, v.t.To speak of a man as you find him when he can't
findyou.
BAIT, n.A preparation that renders the hook more palatable.Thebest
kind is beauty.
BAPTISM, n.A sacred rite of such efficacy that he who finds himselfin
heaven without having undergone it will be unhappy forever.It
isperformed with water in two ways -- by immersion, or plunging, and
byaspersion, or sprinkling.
But whether the plan of immersion Is better than simple aspersion Let
those immersed And those aspersed Decide by the Authorized Version,
And by matching their agues tertian.
BAROMETER, n.An ingenious instrument which indicates what
kind ofweather we are having.
BARRACK, n.A house in which soldiers enjoy a portion of that
ofwhich it is their business to deprive others.
BASILISK, n.The cockatrice.A sort of serpent hatched form the eggof
a cock.The basilisk had a bad eye, and its glance was fatal. Many infidels
deny this creature's existence, but Semprello Auratorsaw and handled one
that had been blinded by lightning as a punishmentfor having fatally gazed
on a lady of rank whom Jupiter loved.Junoafterward restored the reptile's
sight and hid it in a cave.Nothingis so well attested by the ancients as the
existence of the basilisk,but the cocks have stopped laying.
BASTINADO, n.The act of walking on wood without exertion.
BATH, n.A kind of mystic ceremony substituted for religious
worship,with what spiritual efficacy has not been determined.
The man who taketh a steam bath He loseth all the skin he hath, And,
for he's boiled a brilliant red, Thinketh to cleanliness he's wed, Forgetting
that his lungs he's soiling With dirty vapors of the boiling.
Richard Gwow
BATTLE, n.A method of untying with the teeth of a political knotthat
13
THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY
would not yield to the tongue.
BEARD, n.The hair that is commonly cut off by those who
justlyexecrate the absurd Chinese custom of shaving the head.
BEAUTY, n.The power by which a woman charms a lover and
terrifies ahusband.
BEFRIEND, v.t.To make an ingrate.
BEG, v.To ask for something with an earnestness proportioned to
thebelief that it will not be given.
Who is that, father? A mendicant, child, Haggard, morose, and
unaffable -- wild! See how he glares through the bars of his cell! With
Citizen Mendicant all is not well.
Why did they put him there, father?
Because Obeying his belly he struck at the laws.
His belly?
Oh, well, he was starving, my boy --A state in which, doubtless,
there's little of joy. No bite had he eaten for days, and his cry Was
"Bread!" ever "Bread!"
What's the matter with pie?
With little to wear, he had nothing to sell; To beg was unlawful -
improper as well.
Why didn't he work?
He would even have done that, But men said:"Get out!" and the State
remarked:"Scat!" I mention these incidents merely to show That the
vengeance he took was uncommonly low. Revenge, at the best, is the act
of a Siou, But for trifles --
Pray what did bad Mendicant do?
Stole two loaves of bread to replenish his lack And tuck out the belly
that clung to his back.
Is that _all_ father dear?
There's little to tell: They sent him to jail, and they'll send him to -
well, The company's better than here we can boast, And there's --
Bread for the needy, dear father?
Um -- toast.
Atka Mip
14
THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY
BEGGAR, n.One who has relied on the assistance of his friends.
BEHAVIOR, n.Conduct, as determined, not by principle, but
bybreeding.The word seems to be somewhat loosely used in Dr.
JamrachHolobom's translation of the following lines from the _Dies Irae_:
Recordare, Jesu pie, Quod sum causa tuae viae. Ne me perdas illa die.
Pray remember, sacred Savior, Whose the thoughtless hand that gave
your Death-blow.Pardon such behavior.
BELLADONNA, n.In Italian a beautiful lady; in English a
deadlypoison.A striking example of the essential identity of the
twotongues.
BENEDICTINES, n.An order of monks otherwise known as black
friars.
She thought it a crow, but it turn out to be A monk of St. Benedict
croaking a text. "Here's one of an order of cooks," said she -- "Black friars
in this world, fried black in the next."
"The Devil on Earth" (London, 1712)
BENEFACTOR, n.One who makes heavy purchases of ingratitude,
without,however, materially affecting the price, which is still within
themeans of all.
BERENICE'S HAIR, n.A constellation (_Coma Berenices_) named in
honorof one who sacrificed her hair to save her husband.
Her locks an ancient lady gave Her loving husband's life to save; And
men -- they honored so the dame -- Upon some stars bestowed her name.
But to our modern married fair, Who'd give their lords to save their
hair, No stellar recognition's given. There are not stars enough in heaven.
BIGAMY, n.A mistake in taste for which the wisdom of the future
willadjudge a punishment called trigamy.
BIGOT, n.One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an
opinionthat you do not entertain.
BILLINGSGATE, n.The invective of an opponent.
BIRTH, n.The first and direst of all disasters.As to the nature ofit there
appears to be no uniformity.Castor and Pollux were bornfrom the
egg.Pallas came out of a skull.Galatea was once a blockof stone.Peresilis,
15
THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY
who wrote in the tenth century, avers that hegrew up out of the ground
where a priest had spilled holy water.Itis known that Arimaxus was
derived from a hole in the earth, made by astroke of
lightning.Leucomedon was the son of a cavern in MountAetna, and I have
myself seen a man come out of a wine cellar.
BLACKGUARD, n.A man whose qualities, prepared for display like a
boxof berries in a market -- the fine ones on top -- have been opened onthe
wrong side.An inverted gentleman.
BLANK-VERSE, n.Unrhymed iambic pentameters -- the most
difficultkind of English verse to write acceptably; a kind, therefore,
muchaffected by those who cannot acceptably write any kind.
BODY-SNATCHER, n.A robber of grave-worms.One who supplies
theyoung physicians with that with which the old physicians have
suppliedthe undertaker.The hyena.
"One night," a doctor said, "last fall, I and my comrades, four in all,
When visiting a graveyard stood Within the shadow of a wall.
"While waiting for the moon to sink We saw a wild hyena slink About
a new-made grave, and then Begin to excavate its brink!
"Shocked by the horrid act, we made A sally from our ambuscade, And,
falling on the unholy beast, Dispatched him with a pick and spade."
Bettel K. Jhones
BONDSMAN, n.A fool who, having property of his own, undertakes
tobecome responsible for that entrusted to another to a third.
Philippe of Orleans wishing to appoint one of his favorites, adissolute
nobleman, to a high office, asked him what security he wouldbe able to
give."I need no bondsmen," he replied, "for I can giveyou my word of
honor.""And pray what may be the value of that?"inquired the amused
Regent."Monsieur, it is worth its weight in gold."
BORE, n.A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
BOTANY, n.The science of vegetables -- those that are not good toeat,
as well as those that are.It deals largely with their flowers,which are
commonly badly designed, inartistic in color, and ill-smelling.
BOTTLE-NOSED, adj.Having a nose created in the image of its
maker.
16
THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY
BOUNDARY, n.In political geography, an imaginary line between
