twonations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the
imaginaryrights of the other.
BOUNTY, n.The liberality of one who has much, in permitting one
whohas nothing to get all that he can.
A single swallow, it is said, devours ten millions of insectsevery
year.The supplying of these insects I take to be a signalinstance of the
Creator's bounty in providing for the lives of Hiscreatures.
Henry Ward Beecher
BRAHMA, n.He who created the Hindoos, who are preserved by
Vishnuand destroyed by Siva -- a rather neater division of labor than
isfound among the deities of some other nations.The Abracadabranese,for
example, are created by Sin, maintained by Theft and destroyed
byFolly.The priests of Brahma, like those of Abracadabranese, are holyand
learned men who are never naughty.
O Brahma, thou rare old Divinity, First Person of the Hindoo Trinity,
You sit there so calm and securely, With feet folded up so demurely --
You're the First Person Singular, surely.
Polydore Smith
BRAIN, n. An apparatus with which we think what we think.That
whichdistinguishes the man who is content to _be_ something from the
manwho wishes to _do_ something.A man of great wealth, or one who
hasbeen pitchforked into high station, has commonly such a headful
ofbrain that his neighbors cannot keep their hats on.In ourcivilization, and
under our republican form of government, brain is sohighly honored that it
is rewarded by exemption from the cares ofoffice.
BRANDY, n.A cordial composed of one part thunder-and-lightning,
onepart remorse, two parts bloody murder, one part death-hell-and-thegrave and four parts clarified Satan.Dose, a headful all the time. Brandy is
said by Dr. Johnson to be the drink of heroes.Only a herowill venture to
drink it.
BRIDE, n.A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
BRUTE, n.See HUSBAND.
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C
CAABA, n.A large stone presented by the archangel Gabriel to
thepatriarch Abraham, and preserved at Mecca.The patriarch had
perhapsasked the archangel for bread.
CABBAGE, n.A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large
andwise as a man's head. The cabbage is so called from Cabagius, a prince
who on ascendingthe throne issued a decree appointing a High Council of
Empireconsisting of the members of his predecessor's Ministry and
thecabbages in the royal garden.When any of his Majesty's measures
ofstate policy miscarried conspicuously it was gravely announced
thatseveral members of the High Council had been beheaded, and
hismurmuring subjects were appeased.
CALAMITY, n.A more than commonly plain and unmistakable
reminderthat the affairs of this life are not of our own
ordering.Calamitiesare of two kinds:misfortune to ourselves, and good
fortune toothers.
CALLOUS, adj.Gifted with great fortitude to bear the evilsafflicting
another. When Zeno was told that one of his enemies was no more he
wasobserved to be deeply moved."What!" said one of his disciples,
"youweep at the death of an enemy?""Ah, 'tis true," replied the greatStoic;
"but you should see me smile at the death of a friend."
CALUMNUS, n.A graduate of the School for Scandal.
CAMEL, n.A quadruped (the _Splaypes humpidorsus_) of great value
tothe show business.There are two kinds of camels -- the camel properand
the camel improper.It is the latter that is always exhibited.
CANNIBAL, n.A gastronome of the old school who preserves the
simpletastes and adheres to the natural diet of the pre-pork period.
CANNON, n.An instrument employed in the rectification of
nationalboundaries.
CANONICALS, n.The motley worm by Jesters of the Court of
Heaven.
CAPITAL, n.The seat of misgovernment.That which provides the
fire,the pot, the dinner, the table and the knife and fork for theanarchist;
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the part of the repast that himself supplies is thedisgrace before
meat._Capital Punishment_, a penalty regarding thejustice and expediency
of which many worthy persons -- including allthe assassins --entertain
grave misgivings.
CARMELITE, n.A mendicant friar of the order of Mount Carmel.
As Death was a-rising out one day, Across Mount Camel he took his
way, Where he met a mendicant monk, Some three or four quarters drunk,
With a holy leer and a pious grin, Ragged and fat and as saucy as sin, Who
held out his hands and cried: "Give, give in Charity's name, I pray. Give in
the name of the Church.O give, Give that her holy sons may live!" And
Death replied, Smiling long and wide: "I'll give, holy father, I'll give thee
-a ride."
With a rattle and bang Of his bones, he sprang From his famous Pale
Horse, with his spear; By the neck and the foot Seized the fellow, and put
Him astride with his face to the rear.
The Monarch laughed loud with a sound that fell Like clods on the
coffin's sounding shell: "Ho, ho!A beggar on horseback, they say, Will ride
to the devil!" -- and _thump_ Fell the flat of his dart on the rump Of the
charger, which galloped away.
Faster and faster and faster it flew, Till the rocks and the flocks and the
trees that grew By the road were dim and blended and blue To the wild,
wild eyes Of the rider -- in size Resembling a couple of blackberry pies.
Death laughed again, as a tomb might laugh At a burial service spoiled,
And the mourners' intentions foiled By the body erecting Its head and
objecting To further proceedings in its behalf.
Many a year and many a day Have passed since these events away.
The monk has long been a dusty corse, And Death has never recovered his
horse. For the friar got hold of its tail, And steered it within the pale Of the
monastery gray, Where the beast was stabled and fed With barley and oil
and bread Till fatter it grew than the fattest friar, And so in due course was
appointed Prior.
CARNIVOROUS, adj.Addicted to the cruelty of devouring the
timorousvegetarian, his heirs and assigns.
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CARTESIAN, adj.Relating to Descartes, a famous philosopher,
authorof the celebrated dictum, _Cogito ergo sum_ -- whereby he was
pleasedto suppose he demonstrated the reality of human existence.The
dictummight be improved, however, thus:_Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum_
--"I think that I think, therefore I think that I am;" as close anapproach to
certainty as any philosopher has yet made.
CAT, n.A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to
bekicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle.
This is a dog, This is a cat. This is a frog, This is a rat. Run, dog, mew,
cat. Jump, frog, gnaw, rat.
Elevenson
CAVILER, n.A critic of our own work.
CEMETERY, n.An isolated suburban spot where mourners match
lies,poets write at a target and stone-cutters spell for a
wager.Theinscriptions following will serve to illustrate the success
attainedin these Olympian games:
His virtues were so conspicuous that his enemies, unable tooverlook
them, denied them, and his friends, to whose loose livesthey were a rebuke,
represented them as vices.They are herecommemorated by his family, who
shared them. In the earth we here prepare a Place to lay our little Clara.
Thomas M. and Mary Frazer
P.S. -- Gabriel will raise her.
CENTAUR, n.One of a race of persons who lived before the division
oflabor had been carried to such a pitch of differentiation, and
whofollowed the primitive economic maxim, "Every man his own
horse."Thebest of the lot was Chiron, who to the wisdom and virtues of
the horseadded the fleetness of man.The scripture story of the head of
Johnthe Baptist on a charger shows that pagan myths have
somewhatsophisticated sacred history.
CERBERUS, n.The watch-dog of Hades, whose duty it was to guard
theentrance --against whom or what does not clearly appear;
everybody,sooner or later, had to go there, and nobody wanted to carry off
theentrance.Cerberus is known to have had three heads, and some of
thepoets have credited him with as many as a hundred.ProfessorGraybill,
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whose clerky erudition and profound knowledge of Greek givehis opinion
great weight, has averaged all the estimates, and makesthe number twentyseven -- a judgment that would be entirelyconclusive is Professor Graybill
had known (a) something about dogs,and (b) something about arithmetic.
CHILDHOOD, n.The period of human life intermediate between
theidiocy of infancy and the folly of youth -- two removes from the sinof
manhood and three from the remorse of age.
CHRISTIAN, n.One who believes that the New Testament is a
divinelyinspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his
neighbor. One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are
notinconsistent with a life of sin.
I dreamed I stood upon a hill, and, lo! The godly multitudes walked to
and fro Beneath, in Sabbath garments fitly clad, With pious mien,
appropriately sad, While all the church bells made a solemn din -- A firealarm to those who lived in sin. Then saw I gazing thoughtfully below,
With tranquil face, upon that holy show A tall, spare figure in a robe of
white, Whose eyes diffused a melancholy light. "God keep you, strange," I
exclaimed."You are No doubt (your habit shows it) from afar; And yet I
entertain the hope that you, Like these good people, are a Christian too."
He raised his eyes and with a look so stern It made me with a thousand
blushes burn Replied -- his manner with disdain was spiced: "What!I a
Christian?No, indeed!I'm Christ."
CIRCUS, n.A place where horses, ponies and elephants are
permittedto see men, women and children acting the fool.
CLAIRVOYANT, n.A person, commonly a woman, who has the power
ofseeing that which is invisible to her patron, namely, that he is
ablockhead.
CLARIONET, n.An instrument of torture operated by a person
withcotton in his ears.There are two instruments that are worse than
aclarionet -- two clarionets.
CLERGYMAN, n.A man who undertakes the management of our
spiritualaffairs as a method of better his temporal ones.
CLIO, n.One of the nine Muses.Clio's function was to preside
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overhistory --which she did with great dignity, many of the
prominentcitizens of Athens occupying seats on the platform, the meetings
beingaddressed by Messrs. Xenophon, Herodotus and other popular
speakers.
CLOCK, n.A machine of great moral value to man, allaying his
concernfor the future by reminding him what a lot of time remains to him.
A busy man complained one day: "I get no time!""What's that you
say?" Cried out his friend, a lazy quiz; "You have, sir, all the time there is.
There's plenty, too, and don't you doubt it -- We're never for an hour
without it."
Purzil Crofe
CLOSE-FISTED, adj.Unduly desirous of keeping that which
manymeritorious persons wish to obtain.
"Close-fisted Scotchman!" Johnson cried To thrifty J. Macpherson;
"See me -- I'm ready to divide With any worthy person." Sad Jamie:"That
is very true --The boast requires no backing; And all are worthy, sir, to
you, Who have what you are lacking."
Anita M. Bobe
COENOBITE, n.A man who piously shuts himself up to meditate
upon thesin of wickedness; and to keep it fresh in his mind joins
abrotherhood of awful examples.
O Coenobite, O coenobite, Monastical gregarian, You differ from the
anchorite, That solitudinarian: With vollied prayers you wound Old Nick;
With dropping shots he makes him sick.
Quincy Giles
COMFORT, n.A state of mind produced by contemplation of a
neighbor'suneasiness.
COMMENDATION, n.The tribute that we pay to achievements
thatresembles, but do not equal, our own.
COMMERCE, n.A kind of transaction in which A plunders from B
thegoods of C, and for compensation B picks the pocket of D of
moneybelonging to E.
COMMONWEALTH, n.An administrative entity operated by an
incalculablemultitude of political parasites, logically active but
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fortuitouslyefficient.
This commonwealth's capitol's corridors view, So thronged with a
hungry and indolent crew Of clerks, pages, porters and all attaches Whom
rascals appoint and the populace pays That a cat cannot slip through the
thicket of shins Nor hear its own shriek for the noise of their chins. On
clerks and on pages, and porters, and all, Misfortune attend and disaster
befall! May life be to them a succession of hurts; May fleas by the bushel
inhabit their shirts; May aches and diseases encamp in their bones, Their
lungs full of tubercles, bladders of stones; May microbes, bacilli, their
tissues infest, And tapeworms securely their bowels digest; May corn-cobs
be snared without hope in their hair, And frequent impalement their
pleasure impair. Disturbed be their dreams by the awful discourse Of
audible sofas sepulchrally hoarse, By chairs acrobatic and wavering floors
--The mattress that kicks and the pillow that snores! Sons of cupidity,
cradled in sin! Your criminal ranks may the death angel thin, Avenging the
friend whom I couldn't work in.
K.Q.
COMPROMISE, n.Such an adjustment of conflicting interests as
giveseach adversary the satisfaction of thinking he has got what he
oughtnot to have, and is deprived of nothing except what was justly
hisdue.
COMPULSION, n.The eloquence of power.
CONDOLE, v.i.To show that bereavement is a smaller evil
thansympathy.
CONFIDANT, CONFIDANTE, n.One entrusted by A with the secrets
of B,confided by _him_ to C.
CONGRATULATION, n.The civility of envy.
CONGRESS, n.A body of men who meet to repeal laws.
CONNOISSEUR, n.A specialist who knows everything about
something andnothing about anything else. An old wine-bibber having
been smashed in a railway collision,some wine was pouted on his lips to
revive him."Pauillac, 1873," hemurmured and died.
CONSERVATIVE, n.A statesman who is enamored of existing evils,
asdistinguished from the Liberal, who wishes to replace them withothers.
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CONSOLATION, n.The knowledge that a better man is more
unfortunatethan yourself.
CONSUL, n.In American politics, a person who having failed to
secureand office from the people is given one by the Administration
oncondition that he leave the country.
CONSULT, v.i.To seek another's disapproval of a course
alreadydecided on.
CONTEMPT, n.The feeling of a prudent man for an enemy who is
tooformidable safely to be opposed.
CONTROVERSY, n.A battle in which spittle or ink replaces
theinjurious cannon-ball and the inconsiderate bayonet.
In controversy with the facile tongue -- That bloodless warfare of the
old and young --So seek your adversary to engage That on himself he
shall exhaust his rage, And, like a snake that's fastened to the ground, With
his own fangs inflict the fatal wound. You ask me how this miracle is done?
Adopt his own opinions, one by one, And taunt him to refute them; in his
wrath He'll sweep them pitilessly from his path. Advance then gently all
you wish to prove, Each proposition prefaced with, "As you've So well
remarked," or, "As you wisely say, And I cannot dispute," or, "By the way,
This view of it which, better far expressed, Runs through your
argument."Then leave the rest To him, secure that he'll perform his trust
And prove your views intelligent and just.
Conmore Apel Brune
CONVENT, n.A place of retirement for woman who wish for leisure
tomeditate upon the vice of idleness.
CONVERSATION, n.A fair to the display of the minor
mentalcommodities, each exhibitor being too intent upon the arrangement
ofhis own wares to observe those of his neighbor.
CORONATION, n.The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the
outwardand visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with
adynamite bomb.
CORPORAL, n.A man who occupies the lowest rung of the
militaryladder.
Fiercely the battle raged and, sad to tell, Our corporal heroically fell!
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Fame from her height looked down upon the brawl And said:"He hadn't
very far to fall."
