afriend.
DIVINATION, n.The art of nosing out the occult.Divination is of
asmany kinds as there are fruit-bearing varieties of the flowering dunceand
the early fool.
DOG, n.A kind of additional or subsidiary Deity designed to catchthe
overflow and surplus of the world's worship.This Divine Being insome of
his smaller and silkier incarnations takes, in the affectionof Woman, the
place to which there is no human male aspirant.The Dogis a survival -- an
anachronism.He toils not, neither does he spin,yet Solomon in all his glory
never lay upon a door-mat all day long,sun-soaked and fly-fed and fat,
while his master worked for the meanswherewith to purchase the idle wag
of the Solomonic tail, seasonedwith a look of tolerant recognition.
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DRAGOON, n.A soldier who combines dash and steadiness in so
equalmeasure that he makes his advances on foot and his retreats
onhorseback.
DRAMATIST, n.One who adapts plays from the French.
DRUIDS, n.Priests and ministers of an ancient Celtic religion
whichdid not disdain to employ the humble allurement of human sacrifice.
Very little is now known about the Druids and their faith.Pliny saystheir
religion, originating in Britain, spread eastward as far asPersia.Caesar says
those who desired to study its mysteries went toBritain.Caesar himself
went to Britain, but does not appear to haveobtained any high preferment
in the Druidical Church, although histalent for human sacrifice was
considerable. Druids performed their religious rites in groves, and knew
nothingof church mortgages and the season-ticket system of pew
rents.Theywere, in short, heathens and --as they were once
complacentlycatalogued by a distinguished prelate of the Church of
England --Dissenters.
DUCK-BILL, n.Your account at your restaurant during the canvasbackseason.
DUEL, n.A formal ceremony preliminary to the reconciliation of
twoenemies.Great skill is necessary to its satisfactory observance;
ifawkwardly performed the most unexpected and deplorable
consequencessometimes ensue.A long time ago a man lost his life in a
duel.
That dueling's a gentlemanly vice I hold; and wish that it had been my
lot To live my life out in some favored spot -- Some country where it is
considered nice To split a rival like a fish, or slice A husband like a spud,
or with a shot Bring down a debtor doubled in a knot And ready to be put
upon the ice. Some miscreants there are, whom I do long To shoot, to stab,
or some such way reclaim The scurvy rogues to better lives and manners, I
seem to see them now -- a mighty throng. It looks as if to challenge _me_
they came, Jauntily marching with brass bands and banners!
Xamba Q. Dar
DULLARD, n.A member of the reigning dynasty in letters and life.
The Dullards came in with Adam, and being both numerous and
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sturdyhave overrun the habitable world.The secret of their power is
theirinsensibility to blows; tickle them with a bludgeon and they laughwith
a platitude.The Dullards came originally from Boeotia, whencethey were
driven by stress of starvation, their dullness havingblighted the crops.For
some centuries they infested Philistia, andmany of them are called
Philistines to this day.In the turbulenttimes of the Crusades they withdrew
thence and gradually overspreadall Europe, occupying most of the high
places in politics, art,literature, science and theology.Since a detachment
of Dullards cameover with the Pilgrims in the _Mayflower_ and made a
favorable reportof the country, their increase by birth, immigration, and
conversionhas been rapid and steady.According to the most
trustworthystatistics the number of adult Dullards in the United States is
butlittle short of thirty millions, including the statisticians.Theintellectual
centre of the race is somewhere about Peoria, Illinois,but the New England
Dullard is the most shockingly moral.
DUTY, n.That which sternly impels us in the direction of profit,along
the line of desire.
Sir Lavender Portwine, in favor at court, Was wroth at his master,
who'd kissed Lady Port. His anger provoked him to take the king's head,
But duty prevailed, and he took the king's bread, Instead.
E
EAT, v.i.To perform successively (and successfully) the functions
ofmastication, humectation, and deglutition. "I was in the drawing-room,
enjoying my dinner," said Brillat-Savarin, beginning an anecdote."What!"
interrupted Rochebriant;"eating dinner in a drawing-room?""I must beg
you to observe,monsieur," explained the great gastronome, "that I did not
say I waseating my dinner, but enjoying it.I had dined an hour before."
EAVESDROP, v.i.Secretly to overhear a catalogue of the crimes
andvices of another or yourself.
A lady with one of her ears applied To an open keyhole heard, inside,
Two female gossips in converse free -- The subject engaging them was she.
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"I think," said one, "and my husband thinks That she's a prying, inquisitive
minx!" As soon as no more of it she could hear The lady, indignant,
removed her ear. "I will not stay," she said, with a pout, "To hear my
character lied about!"
Gopete Sherany
ECCENTRICITY, n.A method of distinction so cheap that fools
employit to accentuate their incapacity.
ECONOMY, n.Purchasing the barrel of whiskey that you do not need
forthe price of the cow that you cannot afford.
EDIBLE, adj.Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to
atoad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a manto a
worm.
EDITOR, n.A person who combines the judicial functions of
Minos,Rhadamanthus and Aeacus, but is placable with an obolus; a
severelyvirtuous censor, but so charitable withal that he tolerates
thevirtues of others and the vices of himself; who flings about him
thesplintering lightning and sturdy thunders of admonition till heresembles
a bunch of firecrackers petulantly uttering his mind at thetail of a dog;
then straightway murmurs a mild, melodious lay, soft asthe cooing of a
donkey intoning its prayer to the evening star. Master of mysteries and
lord of law, high-pinnacled upon the throne ofthought, his face suffused
with the dim splendors of theTransfiguration, his legs intertwisted and his
tongue a-cheek, theeditor spills his will along the paper and cuts it off in
lengths tosuit.And at intervals from behind the veil of the temple is
heardthe voice of the foreman demanding three inches of wit and six
linesof religious meditation, or bidding him turn off the wisdom and
whackup some pathos.
O, the Lord of Law on the Throne of Thought, A gilded impostor is he.
Of shreds and patches his robes are wrought, His crown is brass, Himself
an ass, And his power is fiddle-dee-dee. Prankily, crankily prating of
naught, Silly old quilly old Monarch of Thought. Public opinion's campfollower he, Thundering, blundering, plundering free. Affected,
Ungracious, Suspected, Mendacious, Respected contemporaree! J.H.
Bumbleshook
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EDUCATION, n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from
thefoolish their lack of understanding.
EFFECT, n.The second of two phenomena which always occur
together inthe same order.The first, called a Cause, is said to generate
theother -- which is no more sensible than it would be for one who
hasnever seen a dog except in the pursuit of a rabbit to declare therabbit
the cause of a dog.
EGOTIST, n.A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in
me.
Megaceph, chosen to serve the State In the halls of legislative debate,
One day with all his credentials came To the capitol's door and announced
his name. The doorkeeper looked, with a comical twist Of the face, at the
eminent egotist, And said:"Go away, for we settle here All manner of
questions, knotty and queer, And we cannot have, when the speaker
demands To be told how every member stands, A man who to all things
under the sky Assents by eternally voting 'I'."
EJECTION, n.An approved remedy for the disease of garrulity.It
isalso much used in cases of extreme poverty.
ELECTOR, n.One who enjoys the sacred privilege of voting for the
manof another man's choice.
ELECTRICITY, n.The power that causes all natural phenomena not
knownto be caused by something else.It is the same thing as lightning,and
its famous attempt to strike Dr. Franklin is one of the mostpicturesque
incidents in that great and good man's career.The memoryof Dr. Franklin
is justly held in great reverence, particularly inFrance, where a waxen
effigy of him was recently on exhibition,bearing the following touching
account of his life and services toscience:
"Monsieur Franqulin, inventor of electricity.Thisillustrious savant,
after having made several voyages around theworld, died on the Sandwich
Islands and was devoured by savages,of whom not a single fragment was
ever recovered."
Electricity seems destined to play a most important part in thearts and
industries.The question of its economical application tosome purposes is
still unsettled, but experiment has already provedthat it will propel a street
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car better than a gas jet and give morelight than a horse.
ELEGY, n.A composition in verse, in which, without employing any
ofthe methods of humor, the writer aims to produce in the reader's mindthe
dampest kind of dejection.The most famous English example
beginssomewhat like this:
The cur foretells the knell of parting day; The loafing herd winds
slowly o'er the lea; The wise man homeward plods; I only stay To fiddlefaddle in a minor key.
ELOQUENCE, n.The art of orally persuading fools that white is
thecolor that it appears to be.It includes the gift of making any colorappear
white.
ELYSIUM, n.An imaginary delightful country which the
ancientsfoolishly believed to be inhabited by the spirits of the
good.Thisridiculous and mischievous fable was swept off the face of the
earthby the early Christians -- may their souls be happy in Heaven!
EMANCIPATION, n.A bondman's change from the tyranny of another
tothe despotism of himself.
He was a slave:at word he went and came; His iron collar cut him to
the bone. Then Liberty erased his owner's name, Tightened the rivets and
inscribed his own.
EMBALM, v.i.To cheat vegetation by locking up the gases upon
whichit feeds.By embalming their dead and thereby deranging the
naturalbalance between animal and vegetable life, the Egyptians made
theironce fertile and populous country barren and incapable of
supportingmore than a meagre crew.The modern metallic burial casket is a
stepin the same direction, and many a dead man who ought now to
beornamenting his neighbor's lawn as a tree, or enriching his table as
abunch of radishes, is doomed to a long inutility.We shall get himafter
awhile if we are spared, but in the meantime the violet and roseare
languishing for a nibble at his _glutoeus maximus_.
EMOTION, n.A prostrating disease caused by a determination of
theheart to the head.It is sometimes accompanied by a copious dischargeof
hydrated chloride of sodium from the eyes.
ENCOMIAST, n.A special (but not particular) kind of liar.
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END, n.The position farthest removed on either hand from
theInterlocutor.
The man was perishing apace Who played the tambourine; The seal of
death was on his face -- 'Twas pallid, for 'twas clean.
"This is the end," the sick man said In faint and failing tones. A
moment later he was dead, And Tambourine was Bones.
Tinley Roquot
ENOUGH, pro.All there is in the world if you like it.
Enough is as good as a feast -- for that matter Enougher's as good as a
feast for the platter.
Arbely C. Strunk
ENTERTAINMENT, n.Any kind of amusement whose inroads stop
short ofdeath by injection.
ENTHUSIASM, n.A distemper of youth, curable by small doses
ofrepentance in connection with outward applications of experience.
Byron, who recovered long enough to call it "entuzy-muzy," had arelapse,
which carried him off -- to Missolonghi.
ENVELOPE, n.The coffin of a document; the scabbard of a bill;
thehusk of a remittance; the bed-gown of a love-letter.
ENVY, n.Emulation adapted to the meanest capacity.
EPAULET, n.An ornamented badge, serving to distinguish a
militaryofficer from the enemy -- that is to say, from the officer of
lowerrank to whom his death would give promotion.
EPICURE, n.An opponent of Epicurus, an abstemious philosopher
who,holding that pleasure should be the chief aim of man, wasted no
timein gratification from the senses.
EPIGRAM, n.A short, sharp saying in prose or verse,
frequentlycharacterize by acidity or acerbity and sometimes by wisdom.
Following are some of the more notable epigrams of the learned
andingenious Dr. Jamrach Holobom:
We know better the needs of ourselves than of others.Toserve oneself
is economy of administration.
In each human heart are a tiger, a pig, an ass and
anightingale.Diversity of character is due to their unequalactivity.
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There are three sexes; males, females and girls.
Beauty in women and distinction in men are alike in this: they seem to
be the unthinking a kind of credibility. Women in love are less ashamed
than men.They have less to beashamed of.
While your friend holds you affectionately by both your handsyou are
safe, for you can watch both his.
EPITAPH, n.An inscription on a tomb, showing that virtues
acquiredby death have a retroactive effect.Following is a touching
example:
Here lie the bones of Parson Platt, Wise, pious, humble and all that,
Who showed us life as all should live it; Let that be said -- and God
forgive it!
ERUDITION, n.Dust shaken out of a book into an empty skull.
So wide his erudition's mighty span, He knew Creation's origin and
plan And only came by accident to grief -- He thought, poor man, 'twas
right to be a thief.
Romach Pute
ESOTERIC, adj.Very particularly abstruse and consummately occult.
The ancient philosophies were of two kinds, --_exoteric_, those thatthe
philosophers themselves could partly understand, and _esoteric_,those that
nobody could understand.It is the latter that have mostprofoundly affected
modern thought and found greatest acceptance inour time.
ETHNOLOGY, n.The science that treats of the various tribes of
Man,as robbers, thieves, swindlers, dunces, lunatics, idiots
andethnologists.
EUCHARIST, n.A sacred feast of the religious sect of Theophagi. A
dispute once unhappily arose among the members of this sect asto what it
was that they ate.In this controversy some five hundredthousand have
already been slain, and the question is still unsettled.
EULOGY, n.Praise of a person who has either the advantages of
wealthand power, or the consideration to be dead.
EVANGELIST, n.A bearer of good tidings, particularly (in a
religioussense) such as assure us of our own salvation and the damnation
ofour neighbors.
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EVERLASTING, adj.Lasting forever.It is with no small diffidencethat
I venture to offer this brief and elementary definition, for I amnot unaware
of the existence of a bulky volume by a sometime Bishop ofWorcester,
entitled, _A Partial Definition of the Word "Everlasting,"as Used in the
Authorized Version of the Holy Scriptures_.His bookwas once esteemed
of great authority in the Anglican Church, and isstill, I understand, studied
with pleasure to the mind and profit ofthe soul.
EXCEPTION, n.A thing which takes the liberty to differ from
otherthings of its class, as an honest man, a truthful woman,
etc."Theexception proves the rule" is an expression constantly upon the
lipsof the ignorant, who parrot it from one another with never a thoughtof
its absurdity.In the Latin, "_Exceptio probat regulam_" meansthat the
exception _tests_ the rule, puts it to the proof, not_confirms_ it.The
malefactor who drew the meaning from thisexcellent dictum and
substituted a contrary one of his own exerted anevil power which appears
to be immortal.
EXCESS, n.In morals, an indulgence that enforces by
appropriatepenalties the law of moderation.
Hail, high Excess -- especially in wine, To thee in worship do I bend
the knee Who preach abstemiousness unto me -- My skull thy pulpit, as
my paunch thy shrine. Precept on precept, aye, and line on line, Could
ne'er persuade so sweetly to agree With reason as thy touch, exact and free,
Upon my forehead and along my spine. At thy command eschewing
pleasure's cup, With the hot grape I warm no more my wit; When on thy
stool of penitence I sit I'm quite converted, for I can't get up. Ungrateful he
who afterward would falter To make new sacrifices at thine altar!
EXCOMMUNICATION, n.
This "excommunication" is a word In speech ecclesiastical oft heard,
And means the damning, with bell, book and candle, Some sinner whose
opinions are a scandal -- A rite permitting Satan to enslave him Forever,
and forbidding Christ to save him.
