Speak of the Devil and he will hear about it.
Of two evils choose to be the least.
Strike while your employer has a big contract.
Where there's a will there's a won't.
SCARABAEUS, n.The sacred beetle of the ancient Egyptians, allied
toour familiar "tumble-bug."It was supposed to symbolize immortality,the
fact that God knew why giving it its peculiar sanctity.Its habitof incubating
its eggs in a ball of ordure may also have commended itto the favor of the
priesthood, and may some day assure it an equalreverence among
ourselves.True, the American beetle is an inferiorbeetle, but the American
priest is an inferior priest.
SCARABEE, n.The same as scarabaeus.
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He fell by his own hand Beneath the great oak tree. He'd traveled in a
foreign land. He tried to make her understand The dance that's called the
Saraband, But he called it Scarabee. He had called it so through an
afternoon, And she, the light of his harem if so might be, Had smiled and
said naught.O the body was fair to see, All frosted there in the shine o' the
moon -- Dead for a Scarabee And a recollection that came too late. O Fate!
They buried him where he lay, He sleeps awaiting the Day, In state, And
two Possible Puns, moon-eyed and wan, Gloom over the grave and then
move on. Dead for a Scarabee!Fernando Tapple
SCARIFICATION, n.A form of penance practised by the mediaeval
pious. The rite was performed, sometimes with a knife, sometimes with a
hotiron, but always, says Arsenius Asceticus, acceptably if the
penitentspared himself no pain nor harmless
disfigurement.Scarification,with other crude penances, has now been
superseded by benefaction. The founding of a library or endowment of a
university is said toyield to the penitent a sharper and more lasting pain
than isconferred by the knife or iron, and is therefore a surer means
ofgrace.There are, however, two grave objections to it as apenitential
method:the good that it does and the taint of justice.
SCEPTER, n.A king's staff of office, the sign and symbol of
hisauthority.It was originally a mace with which the sovereignadmonished
his jester and vetoed ministerial measures by breaking thebones of their
proponents.
SCIMETAR, n.A curved sword of exceeding keenness, in the conduct
ofwhich certain Orientals attain a surprising proficiency, as theincident
here related will serve to show.The account is translatedfrom the Japanese
by Shusi Itama, a famous writer of the thirteenthcentury.
When the great Gichi-Kuktai was Mikado he condemned
todecapitation Jijiji Ri, a high officer of the Court.Soon afterthe hour
appointed for performance of the rite what was hisMajesty's surprise to see
calmly approaching the throne the manwho should have been at that time
ten minutes dead! "Seventeen hundred impossible dragons!" shouted the
enragedmonarch."Did I not sentence you to stand in the market-place
andhave your head struck off by the public executioner at
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threeo'clock?And is it not now 3:10?" "Son of a thousand illustrious
deities," answered thecondemned minister, "all that you say is so true that
the truth isa lie in comparison.But your heavenly Majesty's sunny
andvitalizing wishes have been pestilently disregarded.With joy Iran and
placed my unworthy body in the market-place.Theexecutioner appeared
with his bare scimetar, ostentatiouslywhirled it in air, and then, tapping me
lightly upon the neck,strode away, pelted by the populace, with whom I
was ever afavorite.I am come to pray for justice upon his own
dishonorableand treasonous head." "To what regiment of executioners
does the black-boweled caitiff belong?" asked the Mikado. "To the gallant
Ninety-eight Hundred and Thirty-seventh -- Iknow the man.His name is
Sakko-Samshi." "Let him be brought before me," said the Mikado to
anattendant, and a half-hour later the culprit stood in thePresence. "Thou
bastard son of a three-legged hunchback without thumbs!"roared the
sovereign -- "why didst thou but lightly tap the neckthat it should have
been thy pleasure to sever?" "Lord of Cranes of Cherry Blooms," replied
the executioner,unmoved, "command him to blow his nose with his
fingers." Being commanded, Jijiji Ri laid hold of his nose and
trumpetedlike an elephant, all expecting to see the severed head
flungviolently from him.Nothing occurred:the performance
prosperedpeacefully to the close, without incident. All eyes were now
turned on the executioner, who had grown aswhite as the snows on the
summit of Fujiama.His legs trembledand his breath came in gasps of terror.
"Several kinds of spike-tailed brass lions!" he cried; "I am aruined and
disgraced swordsman!I struck the villain feeblybecause in flourishing the
scimetar I had accidentally passed itthrough my own neck!Father of the
Moon, I resign my office." So saying, he gasped his top-knot, lifted off his
head, andadvancing to the throne laid it humbly at the Mikado's feet.
SCRAP-BOOK, n.A book that is commonly edited by a
fool.Manypersons of some small distinction compile scrap-books
containingwhatever they happen to read about themselves or employ
others tocollect.One of these egotists was addressed in the lines
following,by Agamemnon Melancthon Peters:
Dear Frank, that scrap-book where you boast You keep a record true
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Of every kind of peppered roast That's made of you;
Wherein you paste the printed gibes That revel round your name,
Thinking the laughter of the scribes Attests your fame;
Where all the pictures you arrange That comic pencils trace --Your
funny figure and your strange Semitic face --
Pray lend it me.Wit I have not, Nor art, but there I'll list The daily
drubbings you'd have got Had God a fist.
SCRIBBLER, n.A professional writer whose views are antagonistic
toone's own.
SCRIPTURES, n.The sacred books of our holy religion,
asdistinguished from the false and profane writings on which all
otherfaiths are based.
SEAL, n.A mark impressed upon certain kinds of documents to
attesttheir authenticity and authority.Sometimes it is stamped upon
wax,and attached to the paper, sometimes into the paper itself.Sealing,in
this sense, is a survival of an ancient custom of inscribingimportant papers
with cabalistic words or signs to give them a magicalefficacy independent
of the authority that they represent.In theBritish museum are preserved
many ancient papers, mostly of asacerdotal character, validated by
necromantic pentagrams and otherdevices, frequently initial letters of
words to conjure with; and inmany instances these are attached in the
same way that seals areappended now.As nearly every reasonless and
apparently meaninglesscustom, rite or observance of modern times had
origin in some remoteutility, it is pleasing to note an example of ancient
nonsenseevolving in the process of ages into something really
useful.Ourword "sincere" is derived from _sine cero_, without wax, but
thelearned are not in agreement as to whether this refers to the absenceof
the cabalistic signs, or to that of the wax with which letters wereformerly
closed from public scrutiny.Either view of the matter willserve one in
immediate need of an hypothesis.The initials L.S.,commonly appended to
signatures of legal documents, mean _locumsigillis_, the place of the seal,
although the seal is no longer used-- an admirable example of
conservatism distinguishing Man from thebeasts that perish.The words
_locum sigillis_ are humbly suggestedas a suitable motto for the Pribyloff
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Islands whenever they shall taketheir place as a sovereign State of the
American Union.
SEINE, n.A kind of net for effecting an involuntary change
ofenvironment.For fish it is made strong and coarse, but women aremore
easily taken with a singularly delicate fabric weighted withsmall, cut
stones.
The devil casting a seine of lace, (With precious stones 'twas weighted)
Drew it into the landing place And its contents calculated.
All souls of women were in that sack -- A draft miraculous, precious!
But ere he could throw it across his back They'd all escaped through the
meshes.
Baruch de Loppis
SELF-ESTEEM, n.An erroneous appraisement.
SELF-EVIDENT, adj.Evident to one's self and to nobody else.
SELFISH, adj.Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.
SENATE, n.A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties
andmisdemeanors.
SERIAL, n.A literary work, usually a story that is not true,creeping
through several issues of a newspaper or magazine. Frequently appended
to each installment is a "synposis of precedingchapters" for those who
have not read them, but a direr need is asynposis of succeeding chapters
for those who do not intend to read_them_.A synposis of the entire work
would be still better. The late James F. Bowman was writing a serial tale
for a weeklypaper in collaboration with a genius whose name has not
come down tous.They wrote, not jointly but alternately, Bowman
supplying theinstallment for one week, his friend for the next, and so on,
worldwithout end, they hoped.Unfortunately they quarreled, and one
Mondaymorning when Bowman read the paper to prepare himself for his
task, hefound his work cut out for him in a way to surprise and pain
him.Hiscollaborator had embarked every character of the narrative on a
shipand sunk them all in the deepest part of the Atlantic.
SEVERALTY, n.Separateness, as, lands in severalty, i.e., lands
heldindividually, not in joint ownership.Certain tribes of Indians
arebelieved now to be sufficiently civilized to have in severalty thelands
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that they have hitherto held as tribal organizations, and couldnot sell to the
Whites for waxen beads and potato whiskey.
Lo! the poor Indian whose unsuited mind Saw death before, hell and
the grave behind; Whom thrifty settler ne'er besought to stay -- His small
belongings their appointed prey; Whom Dispossession, with alluring wile,
Persuaded elsewhere every little while! His fire unquenched and his
undying worm By "land in severalty" (charming term!) Are cooled and
killed, respectively, at last, And he to his new holding anchored fast!
SHERIFF, n.In America the chief executive office of a country,
whosemost characteristic duties, in some of the Western and
SouthernStates, are the catching and hanging of rogues.
John Elmer Pettibone Cajee (I write of him with little glee) Was just as
bad as he could be.
'Twas frequently remarked:"I swon! The sun has never looked upon So
bad a man as Neighbor John."
A sinner through and through, he had This added fault:it made him
mad To know another man was bad.
In such a case he thought it right To rise at any hour of night And
quench that wicked person's light.
Despite the town's entreaties, he Would hale him to the nearest tree
And leave him swinging wide and free.
Or sometimes, if the humor came, A luckless wight's reluctant frame
Was given to the cheerful flame.
While it was turning nice and brown, All unconcerned John met the
frown Of that austere and righteous town.
"How sad," his neighbors said, "that he So scornful of the law should
be -- An anar c, h, i, s, t."
(That is the way that they preferred To utter the abhorrent word, So
strong the aversion that it stirred.)
"Resolved," they said, continuing, "That Badman John must cease this
thing Of having his unlawful fling.
"Now, by these sacred relics" -- here Each man had out a souvenir Got
at a lynching yesteryear -
"By these we swear he shall forsake His ways, nor cause our hearts to
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ache By sins of rope and torch and stake.
"We'll tie his red right hand until He'll have small freedom to fulfil The
mandates of his lawless will."
So, in convention then and there, They named him Sheriff.The affair
Was opened, it is said, with prayer.
J. Milton Sloluck
SIREN, n.One of several musical prodigies famous for a vain
attemptto dissuade Odysseus from a life on the ocean wave.Figuratively,
anylady of splendid promise, dissembled purpose and
disappointingperformance.
SLANG, n.The grunt of the human hog (_Pignoramus
intolerabilis_)with an audible memory.The speech of one who utters with
his tonguewhat he thinks with his ear, and feels the pride of a creator
inaccomplishing the feat of a parrot.A means (under Providence) ofsetting
up as a wit without a capital of sense.
SMITHAREEN, n.A fragment, a decomponent part, a remain.The
word isused variously, but in the following verse on a noted female
reformerwho opposed bicycle-riding by women because it "led them to the
devil"it is seen at its best:
The wheels go round without a sound -- The maidens hold high revel;
In sinful mood, insanely gay, True spinsters spin adown the way From
duty to the devil! They laugh, they sing, and -- ting-a-ling! Their bells go
all the morning; Their lanterns bright bestar the night Pedestrians awarning. With lifted hands Miss Charlotte stands, Good-Lording and Omying, Her rheumatism forgotten quite, Her fat with anger frying. She
blocks the path that leads to wrath, Jack Satan's power defying. The
wheels go round without a sound The lights burn red and blue and green.
What's this that's found upon the ground? Poor Charlotte Smith's a
smithareen!
John William Yope
SOPHISTRY, n.The controversial method of an opponent,
distinguishedfrom one's own by superior insincerity and fooling.This
method isthat of the later Sophists, a Grecian sect of philosophers who
beganby teaching wisdom, prudence, science, art and, in brief, whatever
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menought to know, but lost themselves in a maze of quibbles and a fog
ofwords.
His bad opponent's "facts" he sweeps away, And drags his sophistry to
light of day; Then swears they're pushed to madness who resort To
falsehood of so desperate a sort. Not so; like sods upon a dead man's
breast, He lies most lightly who the least is pressed.
Polydore Smith
SORCERY, n.The ancient prototype and forerunner of
politicalinfluence.It was, however, deemed less respectable and sometimes
waspunished by torture and death.Augustine Nicholas relates that a
poorpeasant who had been accused of sorcery was put to the torture
tocompel a confession.After enduring a few gentle agonies thesuffering
simpleton admitted his guilt, but naively asked histormentors if it were not
possible to be a sorcerer without knowingit.
SOUL, n.A spiritual entity concerning which there hath been
bravedisputation.Plato held that those souls which in a previous state
ofexistence (antedating Athens) had obtained the clearest glimpses
ofeternal truth entered into the bodies of persons who
becamephilosophers.Plato himself was a philosopher.The souls that
hadleast contemplated divine truth animated the bodies of usurpers
anddespots.Dionysius I, who had threatened to decapitate the broadbrowed philosopher, was a usurper and a despot.Plato, doubtless, wasnot
the first to construct a system of philosophy that could be quotedagainst
his enemies; certainly he was not the last. "Concerning the nature of the
soul," saith the renowned author of_Diversiones Sanctorum_, "there hath
been hardly more argument thanthat of its place in the body.Mine own
belief is that the soul hathher seat in the abdomen -- in which faith we may
discern and interpreta truth hitherto unintelligible, namely that the glutton
is of all menmost devout.He is said in the Scripture to 'make a god of his
belly'-- why, then, should he not be pious, having ever his Deity with
himto freshen his faith?Who so well as he can know the might andmajesty
that he shrines?Truly and soberly, the soul and the stomachare one Divine
Entity; and such was the belief of Promasius, whonevertheless erred in
denying it immortality.He had observed thatits visible and material
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substance failed and decayed with the rest ofthe body after death, but of its
immaterial essence he knew nothing. This is what we call the Appetite,
and it survives the wreck and reekof mortality, to be rewarded or punished
in another world, accordingto what it hath demanded in the flesh.The
Appetite whose coarseclamoring was for the unwholesome viands of the
general market and thepublic refectory shall be cast into eternal famine,
whilst that whichfirmly through civilly insisted on ortolans, caviare,
terrapin,anchovies, _pates de foie gras_ and all such Christian
comestiblesshall flesh its spiritual tooth in the souls of them forever and
ever,and wreak its divine thirst upon the immortal parts of the rarest
andrichest wines ever quaffed here below.Such is my religious
faith,though I grieve to confess that neither His Holiness the Pope nor
HisGrace the Archbishop of Canterbury (whom I equally and
profoundlyrevere) will assent to its dissemination."
SPOOKER, n.A writer whose imagination concerns itself
withsupernatural phenomena, especially in the doings of spooks.One ofthe
most illustrious spookers of our time is Mr. William D. Howells,who
introduces a well-credentialed reader to as respectable andmannerly a
company of spooks as one could wish to meet.To the terrorthat invests the
chairman of a district school board, the Howellsghost adds something of
the mystery enveloping a farmer from anothertownship.
STORY, n.A narrative, commonly untrue.The truth of the storieshere
following has, however, not been successfully impeached.
One evening Mr. Rudolph Block, of New York, found himself seatedat
dinner alongside Mr. Percival Pollard, the distinguished critic. "Mr.
Pollard," said he, "my book, _The Biography of a Dead Cow_,is published
anonymously, but you can hardly be ignorant of itsauthorship.Yet in
reviewing it you speak of it as the work of theIdiot of the Century.Do you
think that fair criticism?" "I am very sorry, sir," replied the critic, amiably,
"but it didnot occur to me that you really might not wish the public to
know whowrote it."
