J.P. Morgan
The sayings of many in the hands of one.
Eugene Debs
To these excellent definitions the inspired lexicographer feelsthat he
can add nothing of value.
RIDICULE, n.Words designed to show that the person of whom they
areuttered is devoid of the dignity of character distinguishing him
whoutters them.It may be graphic, mimetic or merely rident. Shaftesbury
is quoted as having pronounced it the test of truth -- aridiculous assertion,
for many a solemn fallacy has undergonecenturies of ridicule with no
abatement of its popular acceptance. What, for example, has been more
valorously derided than the doctrineof Infant Respectability?
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RIGHT, n.Legitimate authority to be, to do or to have; as the rightto be
a king, the right to do one's neighbor, the right to havemeasles, and the
like.The first of these rights was once universallybelieved to be derived
directly from the will of God; and this isstill sometimes affirmed _in
partibus infidelium_ outside theenlightened realms of Democracy; as the
well known lines of SirAbednego Bink, following:
By what right, then, do royal rulers rule? Whose is the sanction of their
state and pow'r? He surely were as stubborn as a mule Who, God
unwilling, could maintain an hour His uninvited session on the throne, or
air His pride securely in the Presidential chair.
Whatever is is so by Right Divine; Whate'er occurs, God wills it
so.Good land! It were a wondrous thing if His design A fool could baffle
or a rogue withstand! If so, then God, I say (intending no offence) Is guilty
of contributory negligence.
RIGHTEOUSNESS, n.A sturdy virtue that was once found among
thePantidoodles inhabiting the lower part of the peninsula of
Oque.Somefeeble attempts were made by returned missionaries to
introduce itinto several European countries, but it appears to have
beenimperfectly expounded.An example of this faulty exposition is
foundin the only extant sermon of the pious Bishop Rowley, a
characteristicpassage from which is here given:
"Now righteousness consisteth not merely in a holy state ofmind, nor
yet in performance of religious rites and obedience tothe letter of the law.It
is not enough that one be pious andjust:one must see to it that others also
are in the same state;and to this end compulsion is a proper
means.Forasmuch as myinjustice may work ill to another, so by his
injustice may evil bewrought upon still another, the which it is as
manifestly my dutyto estop as to forestall mine own tort.Wherefore if I
would berighteous I am bound to restrain my neighbor, by force if
needful,in all those injurious enterprises from which, through a
betterdisposition and by the help of Heaven, I do myself restrain."
RIME, n.Agreeing sounds in the terminals of verse, mostly
bad.Theverses themselves, as distinguished from prose, mostly
dull.Usually(and wickedly) spelled "rhyme."
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RIMER, n.A poet regarded with indifference or disesteem.
The rimer quenches his unheeded fires, The sound surceases and the
sense expires. Then the domestic dog, to east and west, Expounds the
passions burning in his breast. The rising moon o'er that enchanted land
Pauses to hear and yearns to understand.
Mowbray Myles
RIOT, n.A popular entertainment given to the military by
innocentbystanders.
R.I.P.A careless abbreviation of _requiescat in pace_, attesting
toindolent goodwill to the dead.According to the learned Dr.
Drigge,however, the letters originally meant nothing more than _reductus
inpulvis_.
RITE, n.A religious or semi-religious ceremony fixed by law,
preceptor custom, with the essential oil of sincerity carefully squeezed
outof it.
RITUALISM, n.A Dutch Garden of God where He may walk in
rectilinearfreedom, keeping off the grass.
ROAD, n.A strip of land along which one may pass from where it
istoo tiresome to be to where it is futile to go.
All roads, howsoe'er they diverge, lead to Rome, Whence, thank the
good Lord, at least one leads back home.
Borey the Bald
ROBBER, n.A candid man of affairs. It is related of Voltaire that one
night he and some travelingcompanion lodged at a wayside inn.The
surroundings were suggestive,and after supper they agreed to tell robber
stories in turn."Oncethere was a Farmer-General of the Revenues."Saying
nothing more, hewas encouraged to continue."That," he said, "is the
story."
ROMANCE, n.Fiction that owes no allegiance to the God of Things
asThey Are.In the novel the writer's thought is tethered toprobability, as a
domestic horse to the hitching-post, but in romanceit ranges at will over
the entire region of the imagination -- free,lawless, immune to bit and
rein.Your novelist is a poor creature, asCarlyle might say -- a mere
reporter.He may invent his charactersand plot, but he must not imagine
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anything taking place that might notoccur, albeit his entire narrative is
candidly a lie.Why he imposesthis hard condition on himself, and "drags
at each remove alengthening chain" of his own forging he can explain in
ten thickvolumes without illuminating by so much as a candle's ray the
blackprofound of his own ignorance of the matter.There are great
novels,for great writers have "laid waste their powers" to write them, but
itremains true that far and away the most fascinating fiction that wehave is
"The Thousand and One Nights."
ROPE, n.An obsolescent appliance for reminding assassins that
theytoo are mortal.It is put about the neck and remains in place one'swhole
life long.It has been largely superseded by a more complexelectrical
device worn upon another part of the person; and this israpidly giving
place to an apparatus known as the preachment.
ROSTRUM, n.In Latin, the beak of a bird or the prow of a
ship.InAmerica, a place from which a candidate for office
energeticallyexpounds the wisdom, virtue and power of the rabble.
ROUNDHEAD, n.A member of the Parliamentarian party in the
Englishcivil war --so called from his habit of wearing his hair
short,whereas his enemy, the Cavalier, wore his long.There were
otherpoints of difference between them, but the fashion in hair was
thefundamental cause of quarrel.The Cavaliers were royalists becausethe
king, an indolent fellow, found it more convenient to let his hairgrow than
to wash his neck.This the Roundheads, who were mostlybarbers and soapboilers, deemed an injury to trade, and the royalneck was therefore the
object of their particular indignation. Descendants of the belligerents now
wear their hair all alike, but thefires of animosity enkindled in that ancient
strife smoulder to thisday beneath the snows of British civility.
RUBBISH, n.Worthless matter, such as the religions,
philosophies,literatures, arts and sciences of the tribes infesting the
regionslying due south from Boreaplas.
RUIN, v.To destroy.Specifically, to destroy a maid's belief in thevirtue
of maids.
RUM, n.Generically, fiery liquors that produce madness in
totalabstainers.
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RUMOR, n.A favorite weapon of the assassins of character.
Sharp, irresistible by mail or shield, By guard unparried as by flight
unstayed, O serviceable Rumor, let me wield Against my enemy no other
blade. His be the terror of a foe unseen, His the inutile hand upon the hilt,
And mine the deadly tongue, long, slender, keen, Hinting a rumor of some
ancient guilt. So shall I slay the wretch without a blow, Spare me to
celebrate his overthrow, And nurse my valor for another foe.
Joel Buxter
RUSSIAN, n.A person with a Caucasian body and a Mongolian
soul.ATartar Emetic.
S
SABBATH, n.A weekly festival having its origin in the fact that
Godmade the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh.Among
theJews observance of the day was enforced by a Commandment of which
thisis the Christian version:"Remember the seventh day to make
thyneighbor keep it wholly."To the Creator it seemed fit and expedientthat
the Sabbath should be the last day of the week, but the EarlyFathers of the
Church held other views.So great is the sanctity ofthe day that even where
the Lord holds a doubtful and precariousjurisdiction over those who go
down to (and down into) the sea it isreverently recognized, as is manifest
in the following deep-waterversion of the Fourth Commandment:
Six days shalt thou labor and do all thou art able, And on the seventh
holystone the deck and scrape the cable.
Decks are no longer holystoned, but the cable still supplies thecaptain
with opportunity to attest a pious respect for the divineordinance.
SACERDOTALIST, n.One who holds the belief that a clergyman is
apriest.Denial of this momentous doctrine is the hardest challengethat is
now flung into the teeth of the Episcopalian church by theNeo-
Dictionarians.
SACRAMENT, n.A solemn religious ceremony to which several
degrees ofauthority and significance are attached.Rome has seven
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sacraments,but the Protestant churches, being less prosperous, feel that
they canafford only two, and these of inferior sanctity.Some of the
smallersects have no sacraments at all -- for which mean economy they
willindubitable be damned.
SACRED, adj.Dedicated to some religious purpose; having a
divinecharacter; inspiring solemn thoughts or emotions; as, the Dalai
Lamaof Thibet; the Moogum of M'bwango; the temple of Apes in Ceylon;
theCow in India; the Crocodile, the Cat and the Onion of ancient
Egypt;the Mufti of Moosh; the hair of the dog that bit Noah, etc.
All things are either sacred or profane. The former to ecclesiasts bring
gain; The latter to the devil appertain.
Dumbo Omohundro
SANDLOTTER, n.A vertebrate mammal holding the political views
ofDenis Kearney, a notorious demagogue of San Francisco, whose
audiencesgathered in the open spaces (sandlots) of the town.True to
thetraditions of his species, this leader of the proletariat was finallybought
off by his law-and-order enemies, living prosperously silentand dying
impenitently rich.But before his treason he imposed uponCalifornia a
constitution that was a confection of sin in a diction ofsolecisms.The
similarity between the words "sandlotter" and"sansculotte" is
problematically significant, but indubitablysuggestive.
SAFETY-CLUTCH, n.A mechanical device acting automatically to
preventthe fall of an elevator, or cage, in case of an accident to thehoisting
apparatus.
Once I seen a human ruin In an elevator-well, And his members was
bestrewin' All the place where he had fell.
And I says, apostrophisin' That uncommon woful wreck: "Your
position's so surprisin' That I tremble for your neck!"
Then that ruin, smilin' sadly And impressive, up and spoke: "Well, I
wouldn't tremble badly, For it's been a fortnight broke."
Then, for further comprehension Of his attitude, he begs I will focus
my attention On his various arms and legs --
How they all are contumacious; Where they each, respective, lie; How
one trotter proves ungracious, T'other one an _alibi_.
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These particulars is mentioned For to show his dismal state, Which I
wasn't first intentioned To specifical relate.
None is worser to be dreaded That I ever have heard tell Than the
gent's who there was spreaded In that elevator-well.
Now this tale is allegoric -- It is figurative all, For the well is
metaphoric And the feller didn't fall.
I opine it isn't moral For a writer-man to cheat, And despise to wear a
laurel As was gotten by deceit.
For 'tis Politics intended By the elevator, mind, It will boost a person
splendid If his talent is the kind.
Col. Bryan had the talent (For the busted man is him) And it shot him
up right gallant Till his head begun to swim.
Then the rope it broke above him And he painful come to earth Where
there's nobody to love him For his detrimented worth.
Though he's livin' none would know him, Or at leastwise not as such.
Moral of this woful poem: Frequent oil your safety-clutch.
Porfer Poog
SAINT, n.A dead sinner revised and edited. The Duchess of Orleans
relates that the irreverent oldcalumniator, Marshal Villeroi, who in his
youth had known St. Francisde Sales, said, on hearing him called saint:"I
am delighted to hearthat Monsieur de Sales is a saint.He was fond of
saying indelicatethings, and used to cheat at cards.In other respects he was
aperfect gentleman, though a fool."
SALACITY, n.A certain literary quality frequently observed inpopular
novels, especially in those written by women and young girls,who give it
another name and think that in introducing it they areoccupying a
neglected field of letters and reaping an overlookedharvest.If they have the
misfortune to live long enough they aretormented with a desire to burn
their sheaves.
SALAMANDER, n.Originally a reptile inhabiting fire; later,
ananthropomorphous immortal, but still a pyrophile.Salamanders are
nowbelieved to be extinct, the last one of which we have an accounthaving
been seen in Carcassonne by the Abbe Belloc, who exorcised itwith a
bucket of holy water.
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SARCOPHAGUS, n.Among the Greeks a coffin which being made of
acertain kind of carnivorous stone, had the peculiar property ofdevouring
the body placed in it.The sarcophagus known to modernobsequiographers
is commonly a product of the carpenter's art.
SATAN, n.One of the Creator's lamentable mistakes, repented
insashcloth and axes.Being instated as an archangel, Satan madehimself
multifariously objectionable and was finally expelled
fromHeaven.Halfway in his descent he paused, bent his head in thought
amoment and at last went back."There is one favor that I should liketo
ask," said he. "Name it." "Man, I understand, is about to be created.He will
need laws." "What, wretch! you his appointed adversary, charged from the
dawnof eternity with hatred of his soul -- you ask for the right to makehis
laws?" "Pardon; what I have to ask is that he be permitted to make
themhimself." It was so ordered.
SATIETY, n.The feeling that one has for the plate after he has eatenits
contents, madam.
SATIRE, n.An obsolete kind of literary composition in which thevices
and follies of the author's enemies were expounded withimperfect
tenderness.In this country satire never had more than asickly and uncertain
existence, for the soul of it is wit, wherein weare dolefully deficient, the
humor that we mistake for it, like allhumor, being tolerant and
sympathetic.Moreover, although Americansare "endowed by their Creator"
with abundant vice and folly, it is notgenerally known that these are
reprehensible qualities, wherefore thesatirist is popularly regarded as a
soul-spirited knave, and his evervictim's outcry for codefendants evokes a
national assent.
Hail Satire! be thy praises ever sung In the dead language of a
mummy's tongue, For thou thyself art dead, and damned as well --Thy
spirit (usefully employed) in Hell. Had it been such as consecrates the
Bible Thou hadst not perished by the law of libel.
Barney Stims
SATYR, n.One of the few characters of the Grecian mythology
accordedrecognition in the Hebrew.(Leviticus, xvii, 7.)The satyr was
atfirst a member of the dissolute community acknowledging a
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looseallegiance with Dionysius, but underwent many transformations
andimprovements.Not infrequently he is confounded with the faun, alater
and decenter creation of the Romans, who was less like a man andmore
like a goat.
SAUCE, n.The one infallible sign of civilization and enlightenment. A
people with no sauces has one thousand vices; a people with onesauce has
only nine hundred and ninety-nine.For every sauce inventedand accepted a
vice is renounced and forgiven.
SAW, n.A trite popular saying, or proverb.(Figurative
andcolloquial.)So called because it makes its way into a wooden head.
Following are examples of old saws fitted with new teeth.
A penny saved is a penny to squander.
A man is known by the company that he organizes. A bad workman
quarrels with the man who calls him that.
A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
Better late than before anybody has invited you.
Example is better than following it.
Half a loaf is better than a whole one if there is much else.
Think twice before you speak to a friend in need.
What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do it.
Least said is soonest disavowed.
He laughs best who laughs least.
