Thompson Johnson
RECTOR, n.In the Church of England, the Third Person of
theparochial Trinity, the Cruate and the Vicar being the other two.
REDEMPTION, n.Deliverance of sinners from the penalty of their
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sin,through their murder of the deity against whom they
sinned.Thedoctrine of Redemption is the fundamental mystery of our
holyreligion, and whoso believeth in it shall not perish, but
haveeverlasting life in which to try to understand it.
We must awake Man's spirit from his sin, And take some special
measure for redeeming it; Though hard indeed the task to get it in Among
the angels any way but teaming it, Or purify it otherwise than steaming it.
I'm awkward at Redemption -- a beginner: My method is to crucify the
sinner.
Golgo Brone
REDRESS, n.Reparation without satisfaction. Among the Anglo-
Saxon a subject conceiving himself wronged by theking was permitted, on
proving his injury, to beat a brazen image ofthe royal offender with a
switch that was afterward applied to his ownnaked back.The latter rite was
performed by the public hangman, andit assured moderation in the
plaintiff's choice of a switch.
RED-SKIN, n.A North American Indian, whose skin is not red -
atleast not on the outside.
REDUNDANT, adj.Superfluous; needless; _de trop_.
The Sultan said:"There's evidence abundant To prove this unbelieving
dog redundant." To whom the Grand Vizier, with mien impressive,
Replied:"His head, at least, appears excessive."
Habeeb Suleiman
Mr. Debs is a redundant citizen.
Theodore Roosevelt
REFERENDUM, n.A law for submission of proposed legislation to
apopular vote to learn the nonsensus of public opinion.
REFLECTION, n.An action of the mind whereby we obtain a clearer
viewof our relation to the things of yesterday and are able to avoid
theperils that we shall not again encounter.
REFORM, v.A thing that mostly satisfies reformers opposed
toreformation.
REFUGE, n.Anything assuring protection to one in peril.Moses
andJoshua provided six cities of refuge -- Bezer, Golan, Ramoth,
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Kadesh,Schekem and Hebron -- to which one who had taken life
inadvertentlycould flee when hunted by relatives of the deceased.This
admirableexpedient supplied him with wholesome exercise and enabled
them toenjoy the pleasures of the chase; whereby the soul of the dead man
wasappropriately honored by observations akin to the funeral games
ofearly Greece.
REFUSAL, n.Denial of something desired; as an elderly maiden's
handin marriage, to a rich and handsome suitor; a valuable franchise to
arich corporation, by an alderman; absolution to an impenitent king, bya
priest, and so forth.Refusals are graded in a descending scale offinality
thus:the refusal absolute, the refusal condition, therefusal tentative and the
refusal feminine.The last is called bysome casuists the refusal assentive.
REGALIA, n.Distinguishing insignia, jewels and costume of
suchancient and honorable orders as Knights of Adam; Visionaries
ofDetectable Bosh; the Ancient Order of Modern Troglodytes; the
Leagueof Holy Humbug; the Golden Phalanx of Phalangers; the Genteel
Societyof Expurgated Hoodlums; the Mystic Alliances of Georgeous
Regalians;Knights and Ladies of the Yellow Dog; the Oriental Order of
Sons ofthe West; the Blatherhood of Insufferable Stuff; Warriors of the
LongBow; Guardians of the Great Horn Spoon; the Band of Brutes;
theImpenitent Order of Wife-Beaters; the Sublime Legion of
FlamboyantConspicuants; Worshipers at the Electroplated Shrine;
ShiningInaccessibles; Fee-Faw-Fummers of the inimitable Grip;
Jannissaries ofthe Broad-Blown Peacock; Plumed Increscencies of the
Magic Temple; theGrand Cabal of Able-Bodied Sedentarians; Associated
Deities of theButter Trade; the Garden of Galoots; the Affectionate
Fraternity ofMen Similarly Warted; the Flashing Astonishers; Ladies of
Horror;Cooperative Association for Breaking into the Spotlight; Dukes of
Eden;Disciples Militant of the Hidden Faith; Knights-Champions of
theDomestic Dog; the Holy Gregarians; the Resolute Optimists; the
AncientSodality of Inhospitable Hogs; Associated Sovereigns of
Mendacity;Dukes-Guardian of the Mystic Cess-Pool; the Society for
Prevention ofPrevalence; Kings of Drink; Polite Federation of Gents-
Consequential;the Mysterious Order of the Undecipherable Scroll;
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Uniformed Rank ofLousy Cats; Monarchs of Worth and Hunger; Sons of
the South Star;Prelates of the Tub-and-Sword.
RELIGION, n.A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance
thenature of the Unknowable. "What is your religion my son?" inquired
the Archbishop of Rheims. "Pardon, monseigneur," replied Rochebriant; "I
am ashamed of it." "Then why do you not become an atheist?"
"Impossible!I should be ashamed of atheism." "In that case, monsieur, you
should join the Protestants."
RELIQUARY, n.A receptacle for such sacred objects as pieces of
thetrue cross, short-ribs of the saints, the ears of Balaam's ass, thelung of
the cock that called Peter to repentance and so forth. Reliquaries are
commonly of metal, and provided with a lock to preventthe contents from
coming out and performing miracles at unseasonabletimes.A feather from
the wing of the Angel of the Annunciation onceescaped during a sermon in
Saint Peter's and so tickled the noses ofthe congregation that they woke
and sneezed with great vehemence threetimes each.It is related in the
"Gesta Sanctorum" that a sacristanin the Canterbury cathedral surprised
the head of Saint Dennis in thelibrary.Reprimanded by its stern custodian,
it explained that it wasseeking a body of doctrine.This unseemly levity so
raged thediocesan that the offender was publicly anathematized, thrown
into theStour and replaced by another head of Saint Dennis, brought from
Rome.
RENOWN, n.A degree of distinction between notoriety and fame -
alittle more supportable than the one and a little more intolerablethan the
other.Sometimes it is conferred by an unfriendly andinconsiderate hand.
I touched the harp in every key, But found no heeding ear; And then
Ithuriel touched me With a revealing spear.
Not all my genius, great as 'tis, Could urge me out of night. I felt the
faint appulse of his, And leapt into the light!
W.J. Candleton
REPARATION, n.Satisfaction that is made for a wrong and
deductedfrom the satisfaction felt in committing it.
REPARTEE, n.Prudent insult in retort.Practiced by gentlemen with
aconstitutional aversion to violence, but a strong disposition tooffend.In a
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war of words, the tactics of the North American Indian.
REPENTANCE, n.The faithful attendant and follower of
Punishment.Itis usually manifest in a degree of reformation that is
notinconsistent with continuity of sin.
Desirous to avoid the pains of Hell, You will repent and join the
Church, Parnell? How needless! -- Nick will keep you off the coals And
add you to the woes of other souls.
Jomater Abemy
REPLICA, n.A reproduction of a work of art, by the artist that
madethe original.It is so called to distinguish it from a "copy," whichis
made by another artist.When the two are mae with equal skill thereplica is
the more valuable, for it is supposed to be more beautifulthan it looks.
REPORTER, n.A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels
itwith a tempest of words.
"More dear than all my bosom knows, O thou Whose 'lips are sealed'
and will not disavow!" So sang the blithe reporter-man as grew Beneath
his hand the leg-long "interview."
Barson Maith
REPOSE, v.i.To cease from troubling.REPRESENTATIVE, n.In
national politics, a member of the Lower Housein this world, and without
discernible hope of promotion in the next.
REPROBATION, n.In theology, the state of a luckless
mortalprenatally damned.The doctrine of reprobation was taught by
Calvin,whose joy in it was somewhat marred by the sad sincerity of
hisconviction that although some are foredoomed to perdition, others
arepredestined to salvation.
REPUBLIC, n.A nation in which, the thing governing and the
thinggoverned being the same, there is only a permitted authority
toenforce an optional obedience.In a republic, the foundation ofpublic
order is the ever lessening habit of submission inherited fromancestors
who, being truly governed, submitted because they had to. There are as
many kinds of republics as there are graduations betweenthe despotism
whence they came and the anarchy whither they lead.
REQUIEM, n.A mass for the dead which the minor poets assure us
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thewinds sing o'er the graves of their favorites.Sometimes, by way
ofproviding a varied entertainment, they sing a dirge.
RESIDENT, adj.Unable to leave.
RESIGN, v.t.To renounce an honor for an advantage.To renounce
anadvantage for a greater advantage.
'Twas rumored Leonard Wood had signed A true renunciation Of title,
rank and every kind Of military station -- Each honorable station.
By his example fired -- inclined To noble emulation, The country
humbly was resigned To Leonard's resignation --His Christian
resignation.
Politian Greame
RESOLUTE, adj.Obstinate in a course that we approve.
RESPECTABILITY, n.The offspring of a _liaison_ between a bald
headand a bank account.
RESPIRATOR, n.An apparatus fitted over the nose and mouth of
aninhabitant of London, whereby to filter the visible universe in itspassage
to the lungs.
RESPITE, n.A suspension of hostilities against a sentenced assassin,to
enable the Executive to determine whether the murder may not havebeen
done by the prosecuting attorney.Any break in the continuity ofa
disagreeable expectation.
Altgeld upon his incandescend bed Lay, an attendant demon at his
head.
"O cruel cook, pray grant me some relief -- Some respite from the
roast, however brief."
"Remember how on earth I pardoned all Your friends in Illinois when
held in thrall."
"Unhappy soul! for that alone you squirm O'er fire unquenched, a
never-dying worm.
"Yet, for I pity your uneasy state, Your doom I'll mollify and pains
abate.
"Naught, for a season, shall your comfort mar, Not even the memory
of who you are."
Throughout eternal space dread silence fell; Heaven trembled as
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Compassion entered Hell.
"As long, sweet demon, let my respite be As, governing down here, I'd
respite thee."
"As long, poor soul, as any of the pack You thrust from jail consumed
in getting back."
A genial chill affected Altgeld's hide While they were turning him on
t'other side.
Joel Spate Woop
RESPLENDENT, adj.Like a simple American citizen beduking
himself inhis lodge, or affirming his consequence in the Scheme of Things
as anelemental unit of a parade.
The Knights of Dominion were so resplendent in their velvet-and-gold
that their masters would hardly have known them.
"Chronicles of the Classes"
RESPOND, v.i.To make answer, or disclose otherwise a
consciousnessof having inspired an interest in what Herbert Spencer calls
"externalcoexistences," as Satan "squat like a toad" at the ear of
Eve,responded to the touch of the angel's spear.To respond in damages isto
contribute to the maintenance of the plaintiff's attorney and,incidentally, to
the gratification of the plaintiff.
RESPONSIBILITY, n.A detachable burden easily shifted to
theshoulders of God, Fate, Fortune, Luck or one's neighbor.In the daysof
astrology it was customary to unload it upon a star.
Alas, things ain't what we should see If Eve had let that apple be; And
many a feller which had ought To set with monarchses of thought, Or play
some rosy little game With battle-chaps on fields of fame, Is downed by
his unlucky star And hollers:"Peanuts! -- here you are!"
"The Sturdy Beggar"
RESTITUTIONS, n.The founding or endowing of universities and
publiclibraries by gift or bequest.
RESTITUTOR, n.Benefactor; philanthropist.
RETALIATION, n.The natural rock upon which is reared the Temple
ofLaw.
RETRIBUTION, n.A rain of fire-and-brimstone that falls alike
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uponthe just and such of the unjust as have not procured shelter byevicting
them. In the lines following, addressed to an Emperor in exile by
FatherGassalasca Jape, the reverend poet appears to hint his sense of
theimproduence of turning about to face Retribution when it is
talkingexercise:
What, what! Dom Pedro, you desire to go Back to Brazil to end your
days in quiet? Why, what assurance have you 'twould be so? 'Tis not so
long since you were in a riot, And your dear subjects showed a will to fly
at Your throat and shake you like a rat.You know That empires are
ungrateful; are you certain Republics are less handy to get hurt in?
REVEILLE, n.A signal to sleeping soldiers to dream of battlefieldsno
more, but get up and have their blue noses counted.In theAmerican army it
is ingeniously called "rev-e-lee," and to thatpronunciation our countrymen
have pledged their lives, theirmisfortunes and their sacred dishonor.
REVELATION, n.A famous book in which St. John the Divine
concealedall that he knew.The revealing is done by the commentators,
who knownothing.
REVERENCE, n.The spiritual attitude of a man to a god and a dog to
aman.
REVIEW, v.t.
To set your wisdom (holding not a doubt of it, Although in truth there's
neither bone nor skin to it) At work upon a book, and so read out of it The
qualities that you have first read into it.
REVOLUTION, n.In politics, an abrupt change in the form
ofmisgovernment.Specifically, in American history, the substitution ofthe
rule of an Administration for that of a Ministry, whereby thewelfare and
happiness of the people were advanced a full half-inch. Revolutions are
usually accompanied by a considerable effusion ofblood, but are
accounted worth it -- this appraisement being made bybeneficiaries whose
blood had not the mischance to be shed.TheFrench revolution is of
incalculable value to the Socialist of to-day;when he pulls the string
actuating its bones its gestures areinexpressibly terrifying to gory tyrants
suspected of fomenting lawand order.
RHADOMANCER, n.One who uses a divining-rod in prospecting
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forprecious metals in the pocket of a fool.
RIBALDRY, n.Censorious language by another concerning oneself.
RIBROASTER, n.Censorious language by oneself concerning another.
The word is of classical refinement, and is even said to have beenused in a
fable by Georgius Coadjutor, one of the most fastidiouswriters of the
fifteenth century --commonly, indeed, regarded as thefounder of the
Fastidiotic School.
RICE-WATER, n.A mystic beverage secretly used by our most
popularnovelists and poets to regulate the imagination and narcotize
theconscience.It is said to be rich in both obtundite and lethargine,and is
brewed in a midnight fog by a fat which of the Dismal Swamp.
RICH, adj.Holding in trust and subject to an accounting the propertyof
the indolent, the incompetent, the unthrifty, the envious and
theluckless.That is the view that prevails in the underworld, where
theBrotherhood of Man finds its most logical development and
candidadvocacy.To denizens of the midworld the word means good and
wise.
RICHES, n.
A gift from Heaven signifying, "This is my beloved son, inwhom I am
well pleased."
John D. Rockefeller
The reward of toil and virtue.
