that make against his interest and accentuatethose in the line of his
desire.Invention of the precedent elevatesthe trial-at-law from the low
estate of a fortuitous ordeal to thenoble attitude of a dirigible arbitrament.
PRECIPITATE, adj.Anteprandial.
Precipitate in all, this sinner Took action first, and then his dinner.
Judibras
PRECEDENT, n.In Law, a previous decision, rule or practice which,
inthe absence of a definite statute, has whatever force and authority aJudge
may choose to give it, thereby greatly simplifying his task ofdoing as he
pleases.As there are precedents for everything, he hasonly to ignore those
that make against his interest and accentuatethose in the line of his
desire.Invention of the precedent elevatesthe trial-at-law from the low
estate of a fortuitous ordeal to thenoble attitude of a dirigible arbitrament.
PRECIPITATE, adj.Anteprandial.
Precipitate in all, this sinner Took action first, and then his dinner.
Judibras
PREDESTINATION, n.The doctrine that all things occur according
toprogramme.This doctrine should not be confused with that
offoreordination, which means that all things are programmed, but doesnot
affirm their occurrence, that being only an implication from otherdoctrines
by which this is entailed.The difference is great enoughto have deluged
Christendom with ink, to say nothing of the gore. With the distinction of
the two doctrines kept well in mind, and areverent belief in both, one may
hope to escape perdition if spared.
PREDICAMENT, n.The wage of consistency.
PREDILECTION, n.The preparatory stage of disillusion.
PRE-EXISTENCE, n.An unnoted factor in creation.
PREFERENCE, n.A sentiment, or frame of mind, induced by
theerroneous belief that one thing is better than another. An ancient
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philosopher, expounding his conviction that life is nobetter than death,
was asked by a disciple why, then, he did not die. "Because," he replied,
"death is no better than life." It is longer.
PREHISTORIC, adj.Belonging to an early period and a museum.
Antedating the art and practice of perpetuating falsehood.
He lived in a period prehistoric, When all was absurd and
phantasmagoric. Born later, when Clio, celestial recorded, Set down great
events in succession and order, He surely had seen nothing droll or
fortuitous In anything here but the lies that she threw at us.
Orpheus Bowen
PREJUDICE, n.A vagrant opinion without visible means of support.
PRELATE, n.A church officer having a superior degree of holiness
anda fat preferment.One of Heaven's aristocracy.A gentleman of God.
PREROGATIVE, n.A sovereign's right to do wrong.
PRESBYTERIAN, n.One who holds the conviction that the
governmentauthorities of the Church should be called presbyters.
PRESCRIPTION, n.A physician's guess at what will best prolong
thesituation with least harm to the patient.
PRESENT, n.That part of eternity dividing the domain
ofdisappointment from the realm of hope.
PRESENTABLE, adj.Hideously appareled after the manner of the
timeand place. In Boorioboola-Gha a man is presentable on occasions of
ceremonyif he have his abdomen painted a bright blue and wear a cow's
tail; inNew York he may, if it please him, omit the paint, but after sunset
hemust wear two tails made of the wool of a sheep and dyed black.
PRESIDE, v.To guide the action of a deliberative body to a
desirableresult.In Journalese, to perform upon a musical instrument; as,
"Hepresided at the piccolo."
The Headliner, holding the copy in hand, Read with a solemn face:
"The music was very uncommonly grand -- The best that was every
provided, For our townsman Brown presided At the organ with skill and
grace." The Headliner discontinued to read, And, spread the paper down
On the desk, he dashed in at the top of the screed: "Great playing by
President Brown."
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Orpheus Bowen
PRESIDENCY, n.The greased pig in the field game of
Americanpolitics.
PRESIDENT, n.The leading figure in a small group of men of whom -
and of whom only -- it is positively known that immense numbers oftheir
countrymen did not want any of them for President.
If that's an honor surely 'tis a greater To have been a simple and
undamned spectator. Behold in me a man of mark and note Whom no
elector e'er denied a vote! -- An undiscredited, unhooted gent Who might,
for all we know, be President By acclimation.Cheer, ye varlets, cheer -
I'm passing with a wide and open ear!
Jonathan Fomry
PREVARICATOR, n.A liar in the caterpillar estate.
PRICE, n.Value, plus a reasonable sum for the wear and tear
ofconscience in demanding it.
PRIMATE, n.The head of a church, especially a State church
supportedby involuntary contributions.The Primate of England is
theArchbishop of Canterbury, an amiable old gentleman, who
occupiesLambeth Palace when living and Westminster Abbey when
dead.He iscommonly dead.
PRISON, n.A place of punishments and rewards.The poet assures
usthat -
"Stone walls do not a prison make,"
but a combination of the stone wall, the political parasite and themoral
instructor is no garden of sweets.
PRIVATE, n.A military gentleman with a field-marshal's baton in
hisknapsack and an impediment in his hope.
PROBOSCIS, n.The rudimentary organ of an elephant which serves
himin place of the knife-and-fork that Evolution has as yet denied him.
For purposes of humor it is popularly called a trunk. Asked how he knew
that an elephant was going on a journey, theillustrious Jo. Miller cast a
reproachful look upon his tormentor, andanswered, absently:"When it is
ajar," and threw himself from a highpromontory into the sea.Thus perished
in his pride the most famoushumorist of antiquity, leaving to mankind a
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heritage of woe!Nosuccessor worthy of the title has appeared, though Mr.
Edward bok, of_The Ladies' Home Journal_, is much respected for the
purity andsweetness of his personal character.
PROJECTILE, n.The final arbiter in international
disputes.Formerlythese disputes were settled by physical contact of the
disputants,with such simple arguments as the rudimentary logic of the
times couldsupply -- the sword, the spear, and so forth.With the growth
ofprudence in military affairs the projectile came more and more intofavor,
and is now held in high esteem by the most courageous.Itscapital defect is
that it requires personal attendance at the point ofpropulsion.
PROOF, n.Evidence having a shade more of plausibility than
ofunlikelihood.The testimony of two credible witnesses as opposed tothat
of only one.
PROOF-READER, n.A malefactor who atones for making your
writingnonsense by permitting the compositor to make it unintelligible.
PROPERTY, n.Any material thing, having no particular value, that
maybe held by A against the cupidity of B.Whatever gratifies thepassion
for possession in one and disappoints it in all others.Theobject of man's
brief rapacity and long indifference.
PROPHECY, n.The art and practice of selling one's credibility
forfuture delivery.
PROSPECT, n.An outlook, usually forbidding.An expectation,
usuallyforbidden.
Blow, blow, ye spicy breezes -- O'er Ceylon blow your breath, Where
every prospect pleases, Save only that of death.
Bishop Sheber
PROVIDENTIAL, adj.Unexpectedly and conspicuously beneficial to
theperson so describing it.
PRUDE, n.A bawd hiding behind the back of her demeanor.
PUBLISH, n.In literary affairs, to become the fundamental element ina
cone of critics.
PUSH, n.One of the two things mainly conducive to success,especially
in politics.The other is Pull.
PYRRHONISM, n.An ancient philosophy, named for its
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inventor.Itconsisted of an absolute disbelief in everything but
Pyrrhonism.Itsmodern professors have added that.
Q
QUEEN, n.A woman by whom the realm is ruled when there is a
king,and through whom it is ruled when there is not.
QUILL, n.An implement of torture yielded by a goose and
commonlywielded by an ass.This use of the quill is now obsolete, but
itsmodern equivalent, the steel pen, is wielded by the same
everlastingPresence.
QUIVER, n.A portable sheath in which the ancient statesman and
theaboriginal lawyer carried their lighter arguments.
He extracted from his quiver, Did the controversial Roman, An
argument well fitted To the question as submitted, Then addressed it to the
liver, Of the unpersuaded foeman.
Oglum P. Boomp
QUIXOTIC, adj.Absurdly chivalric, like Don Quixote.An insight
intothe beauty and excellence of this incomparable adjective is
unhappilydenied to him who has the misfortune to know that the
gentleman's nameis pronounced Ke-ho-tay.
When ignorance from out of our lives can banish Philology, 'tis folly to
know Spanish.
Juan Smith
QUORUM, n.A sufficient number of members of a deliberative body
tohave their own way and their own way of having it.In the UnitedStates
Senate a quorum consists of the chairman of the Committee onFinance
and a messenger from the White House; in the House ofRepresentatives,
of the Speaker and the devil.
QUOTATION, n.The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.
The words erroneously repeated.
Intent on making his quotation truer, He sought the page infallible of
Brewer, Then made a solemn vow that we would be Condemned
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eternally.Ah, me, ah, me!
Stumpo Gaker
QUOTIENT, n.A number showing how many times a sum of money
belongingto one person is contained in the pocket of another -- usually
aboutas many times as it can be got there.
R
RABBLE, n.In a republic, those who exercise a supreme
authoritytempered by fraudulent elections.The rabble is like the
sacredSimurgh, of Arabian fable -- omnipotent on condition that it
donothing.(The word is Aristocratese, and has no exact equivalent inour
tongue, but means, as nearly as may be, "soaring swine.")
RACK, n.An argumentative implement formerly much used in
persuadingdevotees of a false faith to embrace the living truth.As a call
tothe unconverted the rack never had any particular efficacy, and is
nowheld in light popular esteem.
RANK, n.Relative elevation in the scale of human worth.
He held at court a rank so high That other noblemen asked why.
"Because," 'twas answered, "others lack His skill to scratch the royal
back."
Aramis Jukes
RANSOM, n.The purchase of that which neither belongs to the
seller,nor can belong to the buyer.The most unprofitable of investments.
RAPACITY, n.Providence without industry.The thrift of power.
RAREBIT, n.A Welsh rabbit, in the speech of the humorless, who
pointout that it is not a rabbit.To whom it may be solemnly explainedthat
the comestible known as toad-in-a-hole is really not a toad, andthat _rizde-veau a la financiere_ is not the smile of a calf preparedafter the recipe
of a she banker.
RASCAL, n.A fool considered under another aspect.
RASCALITY, n.Stupidity militant.The activity of a cloudedintellect.
RASH, adj.Insensible to the value of our advice.
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"Now lay your bet with mine, nor let These gamblers take your cash."
"Nay, this child makes no bet.""Great snakes! How can you be so rash?"
Bootle P. Gish
RATIONAL, adj.Devoid of all delusions save those of
observation,experience and reflection.
RATTLESNAKE, n.Our prostrate brother, _Homo ventrambulans_.
RAZOR, n.An instrument used by the Caucasian to enhance his
beauty,by the Mongolian to make a guy of himself, and by the Afro-
American toaffirm his worth.
REACH, n.The radius of action of the human hand.The area
withinwhich it is possible (and customary) to gratify directly thepropensity
to provide.
This is a truth, as old as the hills, That life and experience teach: The
poor man suffers that keenest of ills, An impediment of his reach.
READING, n.The general body of what one reads.In our country
itconsists, as a rule, of Indiana novels, short stories in "dialect" andhumor
in slang.
We know by one's reading His learning and breeding; By what draws
his laughter We know his Hereafter. Read nothing, laugh never -- The
Sphinx was less clever!
Jupiter Muke
RADICALISM, n.The conservatism of to-morrow injected into
theaffairs of to-day.
RADIUM, n.A mineral that gives off heat and stimulates the organthat
a scientist is a fool with.
RAILROAD, n.The chief of many mechanical devices enabling us to
getaway from where we are to wher we are no better off.For this
purposethe railroad is held in highest favor by the optimist, for it
permitshim to make the transit with great expedition.
RAMSHACKLE, adj.Pertaining to a certain order of
architecture,otherwise known as the Normal American.Most of the public
buildingsof the United States are of the Ramshackle order, though some of
ourearlier architects preferred the Ironic.Recent additions to theWhite
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House in Washington are Theo-Doric, the ecclesiastic order ofthe
Dorians.They are exceedingly fine and cost one hundred dollars abrick.
REALISM, n.The art of depicting nature as it is seem by
toads.Thecharm suffusing a landscape painted by a mole, or a story
written by ameasuring-worm.
REALITY, n.The dream of a mad philosopher.That which would
remainin the cupel if one should assay a phantom.The nucleus of a
vacuum.
REALLY, adv.Apparently.
REAR, n.In American military matters, that exposed part of the
armythat is nearest to Congress.
REASON, v.i.To weight probabilities in the scales of desire.
REASON, n.Propensitate of prejudice.
REASONABLE, adj.Accessible to the infection of our own opinions.
Hospitable to persuasion, dissuasion and evasion.
REBEL, n.A proponent of a new misrule who has failed to establishit.
RECOLLECT, v.To recall with additions something not
previouslyknown.
RECONCILIATION, n.A suspension of hostilities.An armed truce
forthe purpose of digging up the dead.
RECONSIDER, v.To seek a justification for a decision already made.
RECOUNT, n.In American politics, another throw of the dice,
accordedto the player against whom they are loaded.
RECREATION, n.A particular kind of dejection to relieve a
generalfatigue.
RECRUIT, n.A person distinguishable from a civilian by his
uniformand from a soldier by his gait.
Fresh from the farm or factory or street, His marching, in pursuit or in
retreat, Were an impressive martial spectacle Except for two impediments
-- his feet.
