Mr. W.C. Morrow, who used to live in San Jose, California,
wasaddicted to writing ghost stories which made the reader feel as if
astream of lizards, fresh from the ice, were streaking it up his backand
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hiding in his hair.San Jose was at that time believed to behaunted by the
visible spirit of a noted bandit named Vasquez, who hadbeen hanged
there.The town was not very well lighted, and it isputting it mildly to say
that San Jose was reluctant to be out o'nights.One particularly dark night
two gentlemen were abroad in theloneliest spot within the city limits,
talking loudly to keep up theircourage, when they came upon Mr. J.J.
Owen, a well-known journalist. "Why, Owen," said one, "what brings you
here on such a night asthis?You told me that this is one of Vasquez'
favorite haunts!Andyou are a believer.Aren't you afraid to be out?" "My
dear fellow," the journalist replied with a drear autumnalcadence in his
speech, like the moan of a leaf-laden wind, "I amafraid to be in.I have one
of Will Morrow's stories in my pocket andI don't dare to go where there is
light enough to read it." Rear-Admiral Schley and Representative Charles
F. Joy werestanding near the Peace Monument, in Washington, discussing
thequestion, Is success a failure?Mr. Joy suddenly broke off in themiddle
of an eloquent sentence, exclaiming:"Hello!I've heard thatband
before.Santlemann's, I think." "I don't hear any band," said Schley. "Come
to think, I don't either," said Joy; "but I see GeneralMiles coming down the
avenue, and that pageant always affects me inthe same way as a brass
band.One has to scrutinize one's impressionspretty closely, or one will
mistake their origin." While the Admiral was digesting this hasty meal of
philosophyGeneral Miles passed in review, a spectacle of impressive
dignity. When the tail of the seeming procession had passed and the
twoobservers had recovered from the transient blindness caused by
itseffulgence -- "He seems to be enjoying himself," said the Admiral.
"There is nothing," assented Joy, thoughtfully, "that he enjoysone-half so
well."
The illustrious statesman, Champ Clark, once lived about a milefrom
the village of Jebigue, in Missouri.One day he rode into townon a favorite
mule, and, hitching the beast on the sunny side of astreet, in front of a
saloon, he went inside in his character ofteetotaler, to apprise the
barkeeper that wine is a mocker.It was adreadfully hot day.Pretty soon a
neighbor came in and seeing Clark,said: "Champ, it is not right to leave
that mule out there in the sun. He'll roast, sure! -- he was smoking as I
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passed him." "O, he's all right," said Clark, lightly; "he's an
inveteratesmoker." The neighbor took a lemonade, but shook his head and
repeated thatit was not right. He was a conspirator.There had been a fire
the night before:astable just around the corner had burned and a number of
horses hadput on their immortality, among them a young colt, which was
roastedto a rich nut-brown.Some of the boys had turned Mr. Clark's
muleloose and substituted the mortal part of the colt.Presently anotherman
entered the saloon. "For mercy's sake!" he said, taking it with sugar, "do
remove thatmule, barkeeper:it smells." "Yes," interposed Clark, "that
animal has the best nose inMissouri.But if he doesn't mind, you shouldn't."
In the course of human events Mr. Clark went out, and there,apparently,
lay the incinerated and shrunken remains of his charger.The boys idd not
have any fun out of Mr. Clarke, who looked at thebody and, with the noncommittal expression to which he owes so muchof his political preferment,
went away.But walking home late thatnight he saw his mule standing
silent and solemn by the wayside in themisty moonlight.Mentioning the
name of Helen Blazes with uncommonemphasis, Mr. Clark took the back
track as hard as ever he could hookit, and passed the night in town.
General H.H. Wotherspoon, president of the Army War College, has
apet rib-nosed baboon, an animal of uncommon intelligence
butimperfectly beautiful.Returning to his apartment one evening,
theGeneral was surprised and pained to find Adam (for so the creature
isnamed, the general being a Darwinian) sitting up for him and wearinghis
master's best uniform coat, epaulettes and all. "You confounded remote
ancestor!" thundered the great strategist,"what do you mean by being out
of bed after naps? -- and with my coaton!" Adam rose and with a
reproachful look got down on all fours in themanner of his kind and,
scuffling across the room to a table, returnedwith a visiting-card:General
Barry had called and, judging by anempty champagne bottle and several
cigar-stumps, had been hospitablyentertained while waiting.The general
apologized to his faithfulprogenitor and retired.The next day he met
General Barry, who said: "Spoon, old man, when leaving you last evening
I forgot to ask youabout those excellent cigars.Where did you get them?"
General Wotherspoon did not deign to reply, but walked away. "Pardon me,
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please," said Barry, moving after him; "I was jokingof course.Why, I knew
it was not you before I had been in the roomfifteen minutes."
SUCCESS, n.The one unpardonable sin against one's
fellows.Inliterature, and particularly in poetry, the elements of success
areexceedingly simple, and are admirably set forth in the following
linesby the reverend Father Gassalasca Jape, entitled, for some
mysteriousreason, "John A. Joyce."
The bard who would prosper must carry a book, Do his thinking in
prose and wear A crimson cravat, a far-away look And a head of
hexameter hair. Be thin in your thought and your body'll be fat; If you
wear your hair long you needn't your hat.
SUFFRAGE, n.Expression of opinion by means of a ballot.The rightof
suffrage (which is held to be both a privilege and a duty) means,as
commonly interpreted, the right to vote for the man of anotherman's
choice, and is highly prized.Refusal to do so has the bad nameof
"incivism."The incivilian, however, cannot be properly arraigned for his
crime, for there is no legitimate accuser.If the accuser ishimself guilty he
has no standing in the court of opinion; if not, heprofits by the crime, for
A's abstention from voting gives greaterweight to the vote of B.By female
suffrage is meant the right of awoman to vote as some man tells her to.It is
based on femaleresponsibility, which is somewhat limited.The woman
most eager tojump out of her petticoat to assert her rights is first to jump
backinto it when threatened with a switching for misusing them.
SYCOPHANT, n.One who approaches Greatness on his belly so that
hemay not be commanded to turn and be kicked.He is sometimes aneditor.
As the lean leech, its victim found, is pleased To fix itself upon a part
diseased Till, its black hide distended with bad blood, It drops to die of
surfeit in the mud, So the base sycophant with joy descries His neighbor's
weak spot and his mouth applies, Gorges and prospers like the leech,
although, Unlike that reptile, he will not let go. Gelasma, if it paid you to
devote Your talent to the service of a goat, Showing by forceful logic that
its beard Is more than Aaron's fit to be revered; If to the task of honoring
its smell Profit had prompted you, and love as well, The world would
benefit at last by you And wealthy malefactors weep anew -- Your favor
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for a moment's space denied And to the nobler object turned aside. Is't not
enough that thrifty millionaires Who loot in freight and spoliate in fares,
Or, cursed with consciences that bid them fly To safer villainies of darker
dye, Forswearing robbery and fain, instead, To steal (they call it
"cornering") our bread May see you groveling their boots to lick And
begging for the favor of a kick? Still must you follow to the bitter end
Your sycophantic disposition's trend, And in your eagerness to please the
rich Hunt hungry sinners to their final ditch? In Morgan's praise you smite
the sounding wire, And sing hosannas to great Havemeyher! What's Satan
done that him you should eschew? He too is reeking rich -- deducting
_you_.
SYLLOGISM, n.A logical formula consisting of a major and a
minorassumption and an inconsequent.(See LOGIC.)
SYLPH, n.An immaterial but visible being that inhabited the air
whenthe air was an element and before it was fatally polluted with
factorysmoke, sewer gas and similar products of civilization.Sylphs
wereallied to gnomes, nymphs and salamanders, which dwelt,
respectively,in earth, water and fire, all now insalubrious.Sylphs, like
fowls ofthe air, were male and female, to no purpose, apparently, for if
theyhad progeny they must have nested in accessible places, none of
thechicks having ever been seen.
SYMBOL, n.Something that is supposed to typify or stand
forsomething else.Many symbols are mere "survivals" --things
whichhaving no longer any utility continue to exist because we
haveinherited the tendency to make them; as funereal urns carved
onmemorial monuments.They were once real urns holding the ashes of
thedead.We cannot stop making them, but we can give them a name
thatconceals our helplessness.
SYMBOLIC, adj.Pertaining to symbols and the use and
interpretationof symbols.
They say 'tis conscience feels compunction; I hold that that's the
stomach's function, For of the sinner I have noted That when he's sinned
he's somewhat bloated, Or ill some other ghastly fashion Within that
bowel of compassion. True, I believe the only sinner Is he that eats a
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shabby dinner. You know how Adam with good reason, For eating apples
out of season, Was "cursed."But that is all symbolic: The truth is, Adam
had the colic.
T
T, the twentieth letter of the English alphabet, was by the
Greeksabsurdly called _tau_.In the alphabet whence ours comes it had
theform of the rude corkscrew of the period, and when it stood
alone(which was more than the Phoenicians could always do)
signified_Tallegal_, translated by the learned Dr. Brownrigg, "tanglefoot."
TABLE D'HOTE, n.A caterer's thrifty concession to the
universalpassion for irresponsibility.
Old Paunchinello, freshly wed, Took Madam P. to table, And there
deliriously fed As fast as he was able.
"I dote upon good grub," he cried, Intent upon its throatage. "Ah, yes,"
said the neglected bride, "You're in your _table d'hotage_."
Associated Poets
TAIL, n.The part of an animal's spine that has transcended itsnatural
limitations to set up an independent existence in a world ofits
own.Excepting in its foetal state, Man is without a tail, aprivation of which
he attests an hereditary and uneasy consciousnessby the coat-skirt of the
male and the train of the female, and by amarked tendency to ornament
that part of his attire where the tailshould be, and indubitably once
was.This tendency is most observablein the female of the species, in
whom the ancestral sense is strongand persistent.The tailed men described
by Lord Monboddo are nowgenerally regarded as a product of an
imagination unusuallysusceptible to influences generated in the golden age
of our pithecanpast.
TAKE, v.t.To acquire, frequently by force but preferably by stealth.
TALK, v.t.To commit an indiscretion without temptation, from
animpulse without purpose.
TARIFF, n.A scale of taxes on imports, designed to protect
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thedomestic producer against the greed of his consumer.
The Enemy of Human Souls Sat grieving at the cost of coals; For Hell
had been annexed of late, And was a sovereign Southern State.
"It were no more than right," said he, "That I should get my fuel free.
The duty, neither just nor wise, Compels me to economize -- Whereby my
broilers, every one, Are execrably underdone. What would they have? -
although I yearn To do them nicely to a turn, I can't afford an honest heat.
This tariff makes even devils cheat! I'm ruined, and my humble trade All
rascals may at will invade: Beneath my nose the public press Outdoes me
in sulphureousness; The bar ingeniously applies To my undoing my own
lies; My medicines the doctors use (Albeit vainly) to refuse To me my fair
and rightful prey And keep their own in shape to pay; The preachers by
example teach What, scorning to perform, I teach; And statesmen, aping
me, all make More promises than they can break. Against such
competition I Lift up a disregarded cry. Since all ignore my just complaint,
By Hokey-Pokey!I'll turn saint!" Now, the Republicans, who all Are saints,
began at once to bawl Against _his_ competition; so There was a devil of a
go! They locked horns with him, tete-a-tete In acrimonious debate, Till
Democrats, forlorn and lone, Had hopes of coming by their own. That evil
to avert, in haste The two belligerents embraced; But since 'twere wicked
to relax A tittle of the Sacred Tax, 'Twas finally agreed to grant The bold
Insurgent-protestant A bounty on each soul that fell Into his ineffectual
Hell.
Edam Smith
TECHNICALITY, n.In an English court a man named Home was
tried forslander in having accused his neighbor of murder.His exact
wordswere:"Sir Thomas Holt hath taken a cleaver and stricken his
cookupon the head, so that one side of the head fell upon one shoulder
andthe other side upon the other shoulder."The defendant was acquittedby
instruction of the court, the learned judges holding that the wordsdid not
charge murder, for they did not affirm the death of the cook,that being
only an inference.
TEDIUM, n.Ennui, the state or condition of one that is
bored.Manyfanciful derivations of the word have been affirmed, but so
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high anauthority as Father Jape says that it comes from a very
obvioussource -- the first words of the ancient Latin hymn _Te
DeumLaudamus_.In this apparently natural derivation there is
somethingthat saddens.
TEETOTALER, n.One who abstains from strong drink, sometimes
totally,sometimes tolerably totally.
TELEPHONE, n.An invention of the devil which abrogates some of
theadvantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.
TELESCOPE, n.A device having a relation to the eye similar to thatof
the telephone to the ear, enabling distant objects to plague uswith a
multitude of needless details.Luckily it is unprovided with abell
summoning us to the sacrifice.
TENACITY, n.A certain quality of the human hand in its relation tothe
coin of the realm.It attains its highest development in the handof authority
and is considered a serviceable equipment for a career inpolitics.The
following illustrative lines were written of aCalifornian gentleman in high
political preferment, who has passed tohis accounting:
Of such tenacity his grip That nothing from his hand can slip. Wellbuttered eels you may o'erwhelm In tubs of liquid slippery-elm In vain -
from his detaining pinch They cannot struggle half an inch! 'Tis lucky that
he so is planned That breath he draws not with his hand, For if he did, so
great his greed He'd draw his last with eager speed. Nay, that were well,
you say.Not so He'd draw but never let it go!
THEOSOPHY, n.An ancient faith having all the certitude of
religionand all the mystery of science.The modern Theosophist holds,
withthe Buddhists, that we live an incalculable number of times on
thisearth, in as many several bodies, because one life is not long enoughfor
our complete spiritual development; that is, a single lifetimedoes not
suffice for us to become as wise and good as we choose towish to
become.To be absolutely wise and good -- that is perfection;and the
Theosophist is so keen-sighted as to have observed thateverything
desirous of improvement eventually attains perfection. Less competent
observers are disposed to except cats, which seemneither wiser nor better
than they were last year.The greatest andfattest of recent Theosophists was
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the late Madame Blavatsky, who hadno cat.
TIGHTS, n.An habiliment of the stage designed to reinforce
thegeneral acclamation of the press agent with a particular publicity.
Public attention was once somewhat diverted from this garment to
MissLillian Russell's refusal to wear it, and many were the conjectures
asto her motive, the guess of Miss Pauline Hall showing a high order
ofingenuity and sustained reflection.It was Miss Hall's belief thatnature
had not endowed Miss Russell with beautiful legs.This theorywas
impossible of acceptance by the male understanding, but theconception of
a faulty female leg was of so prodigious originality asto rank among the
most brilliant feats of philosophical speculation! It is strange that in all the
controversy regarding Miss Russell'saversion to tights no one seems to
have thought to ascribe it to whatwas known among the ancients as
"modesty."The nature of thatsentiment is now imperfectly understood, and
possibly incapable ofexposition with the vocabulary that remains to us.The
study of lostarts has, however, been recently revived and some of the
artsthemselves recovered.This is an epoch of _renaissances_, and thereis
ground for hope that the primitive "blush" may be dragged from itshidingplace amongst the tombs of antiquity and hissed on to thestage.
TOMB, n.The House of Indifference.Tombs are now by common
consentinvested with a certain sanctity, but when they have been
longtenanted it is considered no sin to break them open and rifle them,the
famous Egyptologist, Dr. Huggyns, explaining that a tomb may
beinnocently "glened" as soon as its occupant is done "smellynge," thesoul
being then all exhaled.This reasonable view is now generallyaccepted by
archaeologists, whereby the noble science of Curiosity hasbeen greatly
dignified.
TOPE, v.To tipple, booze, swill, soak, guzzle, lush, bib, or swig. In the
individual, toping is regarded with disesteem, but topingnations are in the
forefront of civilization and power.When pittedagainst the hard-drinking
Christians the absemious Mahometans go downlike grass before the
scythe.In India one hundred thousand beef-eating and brandy-and-soda
guzzling Britons hold in subjection twohundred and fifty million
vegetarian abstainers of the same Aryanrace.With what an easy grace the
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whisky-loving American pushed thetemperate Spaniard out of his
possessions!From the time when theBerserkers ravaged all the coasts of
western Europe and lay drunk inevery conquered port it has been the same
way:everywhere the nationsthat drink too much are observed to fight
rather well and not toorighteously.Wherefore the estimable old ladies who
abolished thecanteen from the American army may justly boast of having
materiallyaugmented the nation's military power.
TORTOISE, n.A creature thoughtfully created to supply occasion
forthe following lines by the illustrious Ambat Delaso:
TO MY PET TORTOISE
My friend, you are not graceful -- not at all; Your gait's between a
stagger and a sprawl.
Nor are you beautiful:your head's a snake's To look at, and I do not
doubt it aches.
As to your feet, they'd make an angel weep. 'Tis true you take them in
whene'er you sleep.
