No, you're not pretty, but you have, I own, A certain firmness -- mostly
you're [sic] backbone.
Firmness and strength (you have a giant's thews) Are virtues that the
great know how to use -
I wish that they did not; yet, on the whole, You lack -- excuse my
mentioning it -- Soul.
So, to be candid, unreserved and true, I'd rather you were I than I were
you.
Perhaps, however, in a time to be, When Man's extinct, a better world
may see
Your progeny in power and control, Due to the genesis and growth of
Soul.
So I salute you as a reptile grand Predestined to regenerate the land.
Father of Possibilities, O deign To accept the homage of a dying reign!
In the far region of the unforeknown I dream a tortoise upon every
throne.
I see an Emperor his head withdraw Into his carapace for fear of Law;
A King who carries something else than fat, Howe'er acceptably he
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carries that;
A President not strenuously bent On punishment of audible dissent --
Who never shot (it were a vain attack) An armed or unarmed tortoise
in the back;
Subject and citizens that feel no need To make the March of Mind a
wild stampede;
All progress slow, contemplative, sedate, And "Take your time" the
word, in Church and State.
O Tortoise, 'tis a happy, happy dream, My glorious testudinous regime!
I wish in Eden you'd brought this about By slouching in and chasing
Adam out.
TREE, n.A tall vegetable intended by nature to serve as a
penalapparatus, though through a miscarriage of justice most trees
bearonly a negligible fruit, or none at all.When naturally fruited, thetree is
a beneficient agency of civilization and an important factorin public
morals.In the stern West and the sensitive South its fruit(white and black
respectively) though not eaten, is agreeable to thepublic taste and, though
not exported, profitable to the generalwelfare.That the legitimate relation
of the tree to justice was nodiscovery of Judge Lynch (who, indeed,
conceded it no primacy over thelamp-post and the bridge-girder) is made
plain by the followingpassage from Morryster, who antedated him by two
centuries:
While in yt londe I was carried to see ye Ghogo tree, whereofI had
hearde moch talk; but sayynge yt I saw naught remarkabyll init, ye hed
manne of ye villayge where it grewe made answer asfolloweth: "Ye tree is
not nowe in fruite, but in his seasonne you shallsee dependynge fr. his
braunches all soch as have affroynted yeKing his Majesty." And I was
furder tolde yt ye worde "Ghogo" sygnifyeth in yrtong ye same as
"rapscal" in our owne.
_Trauvells in ye Easte_
TRIAL, n.A formal inquiry designed to prove and put upon record
theblameless characters of judges, advocates and jurors.In order toeffect
this purpose it is necessary to supply a contrast in the personof one who is
called the defendant, the prisoner, or the accused.Ifthe contrast is made
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sufficiently clear this person is made to undergosuch an affliction as will
give the virtuous gentlemen a comfortablesense of their immunity, added
to that of their worth.In our day theaccused is usually a human being, or a
socialist, but in mediaevaltimes, animals, fishes, reptiles and insects were
brought to trial.Abeast that had taken human life, or practiced sorcery, was
dulyarrested, tried and, if condemned, put to death by the
publicexecutioner.Insects ravaging grain fields, orchards or vineyardswere
cited to appeal by counsel before a civil tribunal, and aftertestimony,
argument and condemnation, if they continued _incontumaciam_ the
matter was taken to a high ecclesiastical court,where they were solemnly
excommunicated and anathematized.In astreet of Toledo, some pigs that
had wickedly run between theviceroy's legs, upsetting him, were arrested
on a warrant, tried andpunished.In Naples and ass was condemned to be
burned at the stake,but the sentence appears not to have been
executed.D'Addosio relatesfrom the court records many trials of pigs,
bulls, horses, cocks,dogs, goats, etc., greatly, it is believed, to the
betterment of theirconduct and morals.In 1451 a suit was brought against
the leechesinfesting some ponds about Berne, and the Bishop of
Lausanne,instructed by the faculty of Heidelberg University, directed that
someof "the aquatic worms" be brought before the local
magistracy.Thiswas done and the leeches, both present and absent, were
ordered toleave the places that they had infested within three days on pain
ofincurring "the malediction of God."In the voluminous records of
this_cause celebre_ nothing is found to show whether the offenders
bravedthe punishment, or departed forthwith out of that
inhospitablejurisdiction.
TRICHINOSIS, n.The pig's reply to proponents of porcophagy. Moses
Mendlessohn having fallen ill sent for a Christianphysician, who at once
diagnosed the philosopher's disorder astrichinosis, but tactfully gave it
another name."You need andimmediate change of diet," he said; "you
must eat six ounces of porkevery other day." "Pork?" shrieked the patient
- "pork?Nothing shall induce me totouch it!" "Do you mean that?" the
doctor gravely asked. "I swear it!" "Good! -- then I will undertake to cure
you."
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TRINITY, n.In the multiplex theism of certain Christian churches,three
entirely distinct deities consistent with only one.Subordinatedeities of the
polytheistic faith, such as devils and angels, are notdowered with the
power of combination, and must urge individuallytheir clames to adoration
and propitiation.The Trinity is one of themost sublime mysteries of our
holy religion.In rejecting it becauseit is incomprehensible, Unitarians
betray their inadequate sense oftheological fundamentals.In religion we
believe only what we do notunderstand, except in the instance of an
intelligible doctrine thatcontradicts an incomprehensible one.In that case
we believe theformer as a part of the latter.
TROGLODYTE, n.Specifically, a cave-dweller of the
paleolithicperiod, after the Tree and before the Flat.A famous community
oftroglodytes dwelt with David in the Cave of Adullam.The
colonyconsisted of "every one that was in distress, and every one that
wasin debt, and every one that was discontented" -- in brief, all
theSocialists of Judah.
TRUCE, n.Friendship.
TRUTH, n.An ingenious compound of desirability and appearance.
Discovery of truth is the sole purpose of philosophy, which is themost
ancient occupation of the human mind and has a fair prospect ofexisting
with increasing activity to the end of time.
TRUTHFUL, adj.Dumb and illiterate.
TRUST, n.In American politics, a large corporation composed
ingreater part of thrifty working men, widows of small means, orphans
inthe care of guardians and the courts, with many similar malefactorsand
public enemies.
TURKEY, n.A large bird whose flesh when eaten on certain
religiousanniversaries has the peculiar property of attesting piety
andgratitude.Incidentally, it is pretty good eating.
TWICE, adv.Once too often.
TYPE, n.Pestilent bits of metal suspected of destroyingcivilization and
enlightenment, despite their obvious agency in thisincomparable
dictionary.
TZETZE (or TSETSE) FLY, n.An African insect (_Glossina
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morsitans_)whose bite is commonly regarded as nature's most efficacious
remedyfor insomnia, though some patients prefer that of the
Americannovelist (_Mendax interminabilis_).
U
UBIQUITY, n.The gift or power of being in all places at one time,but
not in all places at all times, which is omnipresence, anattribute of God
and the luminiferous ether only.This importantdistinction between
ubiquity and omnipresence was not clear to themediaeval Church and
there was much bloodshed about it.CertainLutherans, who affirmed the
presence everywhere of Christ's body wereknown as Ubiquitarians.For
this error they were doubtless damned,for Christ's body is present only in
the eucharist, though thatsacrament may be performed in more than one
place simultaneously.Inrecent times ubiquity has not always been
understood -- not even bySir Boyle Roche, for example, who held that a
man cannot be in twoplaces at once unless he is a bird.
UGLINESS, n.A gift of the gods to certain women, entailing
virtuewithout humility.
ULTIMATUM, n.In diplomacy, a last demand before resorting
toconcessions. Having received an ultimatum from Austria, the Turkish
Ministrymet to consider it. "O servant of the Prophet," said the Sheik of
the Imperial Chiboukto the Mamoosh of the Invincible Army, "how many
unconquerablesoldiers have we in arms?" "Upholder of the Faith," that
dignitary replied after examininghis memoranda, "they are in numbers as
the leaves of the forest!" "And how many impenetrable battleships strike
terror to the heartsof all Christian swine?" he asked the Imaum of the Ever
VictoriousNavy. "Uncle of the Full Moon," was the reply, "deign to know
that theyare as the waves of the ocean, the sands of the desert and the
starsof Heaven!" For eight hours the broad brow of the Sheik of the
ImperialChibouk was corrugated with evidences of deep thought:he
wascalculating the chances of war.Then, "Sons of angels," he said, "thedie
is cast!I shall suggest to the Ulema of the Imperial Ear that headvise
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inaction.In the name of Allah, the council is adjourned."
UN-AMERICAN, adj.Wicked, intolerable, heathenish.
UNCTION, n.An oiling, or greasing.The rite of extreme
unctionconsists in touching with oil consecrated by a bishop several parts
ofthe body of one engaged in dying.Marbury relates that after the ritehad
been administered to a certain wicked English nobleman it wasdiscovered
that the oil had not been properly consecrated and no othercould be
obtained.When informed of this the sick man said in anger: "Then I'll be
damned if I die!" "My son," said the priest, "this is what we fear."
UNDERSTANDING, n.A cerebral secretion that enables one having it
toknow a house from a horse by the roof on the house.Its nature andlaws
have been exhaustively expounded by Locke, who rode a house, andKant,
who lived in a horse.
His understanding was so keen That all things which he'd felt, heard,
seen, He could interpret without fail If he was in or out of jail. He wrote at
Inspiration's call Deep disquisitions on them all, Then, pent at last in an
asylum, Performed the service to compile 'em. So great a writer, all men
swore, They never had not read before.
Jorrock Wormley
UNITARIAN, n.One who denies the divinity of a Trinitarian.
UNIVERSALIST, n.One who forgoes the advantage of a Hell for
personsof another faith.
URBANITY, n.The kind of civility that urban observers ascribe
todwellers in all cities but New York.Its commonest expression isheard in
the words, "I beg your pardon," and it is not consistent withdisregard of
the rights of others.
The owner of a powder mill Was musing on a distant hill -- Something
his mind foreboded --When from the cloudless sky there fell A deviled
human kidney!Well, The man's mill had exploded. His hat he lifted from
his head; "I beg your pardon, sir," he said; "I didn't know 'twas loaded."
Swatkin
USAGE, n.The First Person of the literary Trinity, the Second
andThird being Custom and Conventionality.Imbued with a
decentreverence for this Holy Triad an industrious writer may hope
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toproduce books that will live as long as the fashion.
UXORIOUSNESS, n.A perverted affection that has strayed to one's
ownwife.
V
VALOR, n.A soldierly compound of vanity, duty and the
gambler'shope. "Why have you halted?" roared the commander of a
division andChickamauga, who had ordered a charge; "move forward, sir,
at once." "General," said the commander of the delinquent brigade, "I
ampersuaded that any further display of valor by my troops will bringthem
into collision with the enemy."
VANITY, n.The tribute of a fool to the worth of the nearest ass.
They say that hens do cackle loudest when There's nothing vital in the
eggs they've laid; And there are hens, professing to have made A study of
mankind, who say that men Whose business 'tis to drive the tongue or pen
Make the most clamorous fanfaronade O'er their most worthless work; and
I'm afraid They're not entirely different from the hen. Lo! the drum-major
in his coat of gold, His blazing breeches and high-towering cap --
Imperiously pompous, grandly bold, Grim, resolute, an awe-inspiring chap!
Who'd think this gorgeous creature's only virtue Is that in battle he will
never hurt you?
Hannibal Hunsiker
VIRTUES, .Certain abstentions.
VITUPERATION, n.Saite, as understood by dunces and all such
assuffer from an impediment in their wit.
VOTE, n.The instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make
afool of himself and a wreck of his country.
W
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W (double U) has, of all the letters in our alphabet, the onlycumbrous
name, the names of the others being monosyllabic.Thisadvantage of the
Roman alphabet over the Grecian is the more valuedafter audibly spelling
out some simple Greek word, like_epixoriambikos_.Still, it is now thought
by the learned that otheragencies than the difference of the two alphabets
may have beenconcerned in the decline of "the glory that was Greece" and
the riseof "the grandeur that was Rome."There can be no doubt, however,
thatby simplifying the name of W (calling it "wow," for example)
ourcivilization could be, if not promoted, at least better endured.
WALL STREET, n.A symbol for sin for every devil to
rebuke.ThatWall Street is a den of thieves is a belief that serves
everyunsuccessful thief in place of a hope in Heaven.Even the great
andgood Andrew Carnegie has made his profession of faith in the matter.
Carnegie the dauntless has uttered his call To battle:"The brokers are
parasites all!" Carnegie, Carnegie, you'll never prevail; Keep the wind of
your slogan to belly your sail, Go back to your isle of perpetual brume,
Silence your pibroch, doff tartan and plume: Ben Lomond is calling his
son from the fray -- Fly, fly from the region of Wall Street away! While
still you're possessed of a single baubee (I wish it were pledged to
endowment of me) 'Twere wise to retreat from the wars of finance Lest its
value decline ere your credit advance. For a man 'twixt a king of finance
and the sea, Carnegie, Carnegie, your tongue is too free!
Anonymus Bink
WAR, n.A by-product of the arts of peace.The most
menacingpolitical condition is a period of international amity.The
studentof history who has not been taught to expect the unexpected may
justlyboast himself inaccessible to the light."In time of peace preparefor
war" has a deeper meaning than is commonly discerned; it means,not
merely that all things earthly have an end -- that change is theone
immutable and eternal law -- but that the soil of peace is thicklysown with
the seeds of war and singularly suited to their germinationand growth.It
was when Kubla Khan had decreed his "stately pleasuredome" -- when,
that is to say, there were peace and fat feasting inXanadu -- that he
heard from afar Ancestral voices prophesying war.
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One of the greatest of poets, Coleridge was one of the wisest ofmen,
and it was not for nothing that he read us this parable.Let ushave a little
less of "hands across the sea," and a little more ofthat elemental distrust
that is the security of nations.War loves tocome like a thief in the night;
professions of eternal amity providethe night.
WASHINGTONIAN, n.A Potomac tribesman who exchanged the
privilege ofgoverning himself for the advantage of good government.In
justice tohim it should be said that he did not want to.
They took away his vote and gave instead The right, when he had
earned, to _eat_ his bread. In vain -- he clamors for his "boss," pour soul,
To come again and part him from his roll.
Offenbach Stutz
WEAKNESSES, .Certain primal powers of Tyrant Woman
wherewith sheholds dominion over the male of her species, binding him to
theservice of her will and paralyzing his rebellious energies.
WEATHER, n.The climate of the hour.A permanent topic
ofconversation among persons whom it does not interest, but who
haveinherited the tendency to chatter about it from naked
arborealancestors whom it keenly concerned.The setting up official
weatherbureaus and their maintenance in mendacity prove that even
governmentsare accessible to suasion by the rude forefathers of the jungle.
Once I dipt into the future far as human eye could see, And I saw the
Chief Forecaster, dead as any one can be -- Dead and damned and shut in
Hades as a liar from his birth, With a record of unreason seldom paralleled
on earth. While I looked he reared him solemnly, that incadescent youth,
