and authenticating sign of civilization.
NOMINATE, v.To designate for the heaviest political
assessment.Toput forward a suitable person to incur the mudgobbling and
deadcattingof the opposition.
NOMINEE, n.A modest gentleman shrinking from the distinction
ofprivate life and diligently seeking the honorable obscurity of
publicoffice.
NON-COMBATANT, n.A dead Quaker.
NONSENSE, n.The objections that are urged against this
excellentdictionary.
NOSE, n.The extreme outpost of the face.From the circumstance
thatgreat conquerors have great noses, Getius, whose writings antedate
theage of humor, calls the nose the organ of quell.It has been observedthat
one's nose is never so happy as when thrust into the affairs ofothers, from
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which some physiologists have drawn the inference thatthe nose is devoid
of the sense of smell.
There's a man with a Nose, And wherever he goes The people run
from him and shout: "No cotton have we For our ears if so be He blow
that interminous snout!"
So the lawyers applied For injunction."Denied," Said the Judge:"the
defendant prefixion, Whate'er it portend, Appears to transcend The bounds
of this court's jurisdiction."
Arpad Singiny
NOTORIETY, n.The fame of one's competitor for public
honors.Thekind of renown most accessible and acceptable to
mediocrity.AJacob's-ladder leading to the vaudeville stage, with angels
ascendingand descending.
NOUMENON, n.That which exists, as distinguished from that
whichmerely seems to exist, the latter being a phenomenon.The noumenon
isa bit difficult to locate; it can be apprehended only be a process
ofreasoning -- which is a phenomenon.Nevertheless, the discovery
andexposition of noumena offer a rich field for what Lewes calls
"theendless variety and excitement of philosophic
thought."Hurrah(therefore) for the noumenon!
NOVEL, n.A short story padded.A species of composition bearing
thesame relation to literature that the panorama bears to art.As it istoo long
to be read at a sitting the impressions made by itssuccessive parts are
successively effaced, as in the panorama.Unity,totality of effect, is
impossible; for besides the few pages last readall that is carried in mind is
the mere plot of what has gone before. To the romance the novel is what
photography is to painting.Itsdistinguishing principle, probability,
corresponds to the literalactuality of the photograph and puts it distinctly
into the categoryof reporting; whereas the free wing of the romancer
enables him tomount to such altitudes of imagination as he may be fitted
to attain;and the first three essentials of the literary art are
imagination,imagination and imagination.The art of writing novels, such
as itwas, is long dead everywhere except in Russia, where it is
new.Peaceto its ashes -- some of which have a large sale.
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NOVEMBER, n.The eleventh twelfth of a weariness.
O
OATH, n.In law, a solemn appeal to the Deity, made binding upon
theconscience by a penalty for perjury.
OBLIVION, n.The state or condition in which the wicked cease
fromstruggling and the dreary are at rest.Fame's eternal dumping ground.
Cold storage for high hopes.A place where ambitious authors meettheir
works without pride and their betters without envy.A dormitorywithout an
alarm clock.
OBSERVATORY, n.A place where astronomers conjecture away the
guessesof their predecessors.
OBSESSED, p.p.Vexed by an evil spirit, like the Gadarene swine
andother critics.Obsession was once more common than it is now.
Arasthus tells of a peasant who was occupied by a different devil forevery
day in the week, and on Sundays by two.They were frequentlyseen,
always walking in his shadow, when he had one, but were finallydriven
away by the village notary, a holy man; but they took thepeasant with
them, for he vanished utterly.A devil thrown out of awoman by the
Archbishop of Rheims ran through the trees, pursued by ahundred persons,
until the open country was reached, where by a leaphigher than a church
spire he escaped into a bird.A chaplain inCromwell's army exorcised a
soldier's obsessing devil by throwing thesoldier into the water, when the
devil came to the surface.Thesoldier, unfortunately, did not.
OBSOLETE, adj.No longer used by the timid.Said chiefly of words. A
word which some lexicographer has marked obsolete is ever thereafteran
object of dread and loathing to the fool writer, but if it is agood word and
has no exact modern equivalent equally good, it is goodenough for the
good writer.Indeed, a writer's attitude toward"obsolete" words is as true a
measure of his literary ability asanything except the character of his
work.A dictionary of obsoleteand obsolescent words would not only be
singularly rich in strong andsweet parts of speech; it would add large
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possessions to thevocabulary of every competent writer who might not
happen to be acompetent reader.
OBSTINATE, adj.Inaccessible to the truth as it is manifest in
thesplendor and stress of our advocacy. The popular type and exponent of
obstinacy is the mule, a mostintelligent animal.
OCCASIONAL, adj.Afflicting us with greater or less
frequency.That,however, is not the sense in which the word is used in the
phrase"occasional verses," which are verses written for an "occasion,"
suchas an anniversary, a celebration or other event.True, they afflictus a
little worse than other sorts of verse, but their name has noreference to
irregular recurrence.
OCCIDENT, n.The part of the world lying west (or east) of
theOrient.It is largely inhabited by Christians, a powerful subtribe ofthe
Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating,which they
are pleased to call "war" and "commerce."These, also, arethe principal
industries of the Orient.
OCEAN, n.A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world
madefor man -- who has no gills.
OFFENSIVE, adj.Generating disagreeable emotions or sensations,
asthe advance of an army against its enemy. "Were the enemy's tactics
offensive?" the king asked."I shouldsay so!" replied the unsuccessful
general."The blackguard wouldn'tcome out of his works!"
OLD, adj.In that stage of usefulness which is not inconsistent
withgeneral inefficiency, as an _old man_.Discredited by lapse of timeand
offensive to the popular taste, as an _old_ book.
"Old books?The devil take them!" Goby said. "Fresh every day must
be my books and bread." Nature herself approves the Goby rule And gives
us every moment a fresh fool.
Harley Shum
OLEAGINOUS, adj.Oily, smooth, sleek. Disraeli once described the
manner of Bishop Wilberforce as"unctuous, oleaginous,
saponaceous."And the good prelate was everafterward known as Soapy
Sam.For every man there is something in thevocabulary that would stick
to him like a second skin.His enemieshave only to find it.
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OLYMPIAN, adj.Relating to a mountain in Thessaly, once inhabited
bygods, now a repository of yellowing newspapers, beer bottles
andmutilated sardine cans, attesting the presence of the tourist and
hisappetite.
His name the smirking tourist scrawls Upon Minerva's temple walls,
Where thundered once Olympian Zeus, And marks his appetite's abuse.
Averil Joop
OMEN, n.A sign that something will happen if nothing happens.
ONCE, adv.Enough.
OPERA, n.A play representing life in another world, whoseinhabitants
have no speech but song, no motions but gestures and nopostures but
attitudes.All acting is simulation, and the word_simulation_ is from
_simia_, an ape; but in opera the actor takes forhis model _Simia
audibilis_ (or _Pithecanthropos stentor_) -- the apethat howls.
The actor apes a man -- at least in shape; The opera performer apes
and ape.
OPIATE, n.An unlocked door in the prison of Identity.It leads intothe
jail yard.
OPPORTUNITY, n.A favorable occasion for grasping a
disappointment.
OPPOSE, v.To assist with obstructions and objections.
How lonely he who thinks to vex With bandinage the Solemn Sex! Of
levity, Mere Man, beware; None but the Grave deserve the Unfair.
Percy P. Orminder
OPPOSITION, n.In politics the party that prevents the Government
fromrunning amuck by hamstringing it. The King of Ghargaroo, who had
been abroad to study the science ofgovernment, appointed one hundred of
his fattest subjects as membersof a parliament to make laws for the
collection of revenue.Forty ofthese he named the Party of Opposition and
had his Prime Ministercarefully instruct them in their duty of opposing
every royal measure. Nevertheless, the first one that was submitted passed
unanimously. Greatly displeased, the King vetoed it, informing the
Opposition thatif they did that again they would pay for their obstinacy
with theirheads.The entire forty promptly disemboweled themselves.
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"What shall we do now?" the King asked."Liberal institutionscannot be
maintained without a party of Opposition." "Splendor of the universe,"
replied the Prime Minister, "it istrue these dogs of darkness have no longer
their credentials, but allis not lost.Leave the matter to this worm of the
dust." So the Minister had the bodies of his Majesty's
Oppositionembalmed and stuffed with straw, put back into the seats of
power andnailed there.Forty votes were recorded against every bill and
thenation prospered.But one day a bill imposing a tax on warts
wasdefeated -- the members of the Government party had not been nailed
totheir seats!This so enraged the King that the Prime Minister was putto
death, the parliament was dissolved with a battery of artillery,and
government of the people, by the people, for the people perishedfrom
Ghargaroo.
OPTIMISM, n.The doctrine, or belief, that everything is
beautiful,including what is ugly, everything good, especially the bad,
andeverything right that is wrong.It is held with greatest tenacity bythose
most accustomed to the mischance of falling into adversity, andis most
acceptably expounded with the grin that apes a smile.Being ablind faith, it
is inaccessible to the light of disproof -- anintellectual disorder, yielding to
no treatment but death.It ishereditary, but fortunately not contagious.
OPTIMIST, n.A proponent of the doctrine that black is white. A
pessimist applied to God for relief. "Ah, you wish me to restore your hope
and cheerfulness," said God. "No," replied the petitioner, "I wish you to
create something thatwould justify them." "The world is all created," said
God, "but you have overlookedsomething -- the mortality of the optimist."
ORATORY, n.A conspiracy between speech and action to cheat
theunderstanding.A tyranny tempered by stenography.
ORPHAN, n.A living person whom death has deprived of the power
offilial ingratitude -- a privation appealing with a particulareloquence to
all that is sympathetic in human nature.When young theorphan is
commonly sent to an asylum, where by careful cultivation ofits
rudimentary sense of locality it is taught to know its place.Itis then
instructed in the arts of dependence and servitude andeventually turned
loose to prey upon the world as a bootblack orscullery maid.
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ORTHODOX, n.An ox wearing the popular religious joke.
ORTHOGRAPHY, n.The science of spelling by the eye instead of
theear.Advocated with more heat than light by the outmates of
everyasylum for the insane.They have had to concede a few things
sincethe time of Chaucer, but are none the less hot in defence of those tobe
conceded hereafter.
A spelling reformer indicted For fudge was before the court cicted.
The judge said:"Enough --His candle we'll snough, And his sepulchre
shall not be whicted."
OSTRICH, n.A large bird to which (for its sins, doubtless) naturehas
denied that hinder toe in which so many pious naturalists haveseen a
conspicuous evidence of design.The absence of a good workingpair of
wings is no defect, for, as has been ingeniously pointed out,the ostrich
does not fly.
OTHERWISE, adv.No better.
OUTCOME, n.A particular type of disappointment.By the kind
ofintelligence that sees in an exception a proof of the rule the wisdomof an
act is judged by the outcome, the result.This is immortalnonsense; the
wisdom of an act is to be juded by the light that thedoer had when he
performed it.
OUTDO, v.t.To make an enemy.
OUT-OF-DOORS, n.That part of one's environment upon which
nogovernment has been able to collect taxes.Chiefly useful to inspirepoets.
I climbed to the top of a mountain one day To see the sun setting in
glory, And I thought, as I looked at his vanishing ray, Of a perfectly
splendid story.
'Twas about an old man and the ass he bestrode Till the strength of the
beast was o'ertested; Then the man would carry him miles on the road Till
Neddy was pretty well rested.
The moon rising solemnly over the crest Of the hills to the east of my
station Displayed her broad disk to the darkening west Like a visible new
creation.
And I thought of a joke (and I laughed till I cried) Of an idle young
woman who tarried About a church-door for a look at the bride, Although
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'twas herself that was married.
To poets all Nature is pregnant with grand Ideas -- with thought and
emotion. I pity the dunces who don't understand The speech of earth,
heaven and ocean.
Stromboli Smith
OVATION, n.n ancient Rome, a definite, formal pageant in honor
ofone who had been disserviceable to the enemies of the nation.Alesser
"triumph."In modern English the word is improperly used tosignify any
loose and spontaneous expression of popular homage to thehero of the
hour and place.
"I had an ovation!" the actor man said, But I thought it uncommonly
queer, That people and critics by him had been led By the ear.
The Latin lexicon makes his absurd Assertion as plain as a peg; In
"ovum" we find the true root of the word. It means egg.
Dudley Spink
OVEREAT, v.To dine.
Hail, Gastronome, Apostle of Excess, Well skilled to overeat without
distress! Thy great invention, the unfatal feast, Shows Man's superiority to
Beast.
John Boop
OVERWORK, n.A dangerous disorder affecting high public
functionarieswho want to go fishing.
OWE, v.To have (and to hold) a debt.The word formerly signifiednot
indebtedness, but possession; it meant "own," and in the minds ofdebtors
there is still a good deal of confusion between assets andliabilities.
OYSTER, n.A slimy, gobby shellfish which civilization gives men
thehardihood to eat without removing its entrails!The shells aresometimes
given to the poor.
P
PAIN, n.An uncomfortable frame of mind that may have a
physicalbasis in something that is being done to the body, or may be
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purelymental, caused by the good fortune of another.
PAINTING, n.The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather
andexposing them to the critic. Formerly, painting and sculpture were
combined in the same work: the ancients painted their statues.The only
present alliance betweenthe two arts is that the modern painter chisels his
patrons.
PALACE, n.A fine and costly residence, particularly that of a
greatofficial.The residence of a high dignitary of the Christian Churchis
called a palace; that of the Founder of his religion was known as afield, or
wayside.There is progress.
PALM, n.A species of tree having several varieties, of which
thefamiliar "itching palm" (_Palma hominis_) is most widely
distributedand sedulously cultivated.This noble vegetable exudes a kind
ofinvisible gum, which may be detected by applying to the bark a pieceof
gold or silver.The metal will adhere with remarkable tenacity. The fruit of
the itching palm is so bitter and unsatisfying that aconsiderable percentage
of it is sometimes given away in what are knownas "benefactions."
PALMISTRY, n.The 947th method (according to
Mimbleshaw'sclassification) of obtaining money by false pretences.It
consists in"reading character" in the wrinkles made by closing the
hand.Thepretence is not altogether false; character can really be read
veryaccurately in this way, for the wrinkles in every hand submittedplainly
spell the word "dupe."The imposture consists in not readingit aloud.
