PANDEMONIUM, n.Literally, the Place of All the Demons.Most of
themhave escaped into politics and finance, and the place is now used as
alecture hall by the Audible Reformer.When disturbed by his voice
theancient echoes clamor appropriate responses most gratifying to hispride
of distinction.
PANTALOONS, n.A nether habiliment of the adult civilized
male.Thegarment is tubular and unprovided with hinges at the points
offlexion.Supposed to have been invented by a humorist.Called"trousers"
by the enlightened and "pants" by the unworthy.
PANTHEISM, n.The doctrine that everything is God,
incontradistinction to the doctrine that God is everything.
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PANTOMIME, n.A play in which the story is told without violence
tothe language.The least disagreeable form of dramatic action.
PARDON, v.To remit a penalty and restore to the life of crime.Toadd
to the lure of crime the temptation of ingratitude.
PASSPORT, n.A document treacherously inflicted upon a citizen
goingabroad, exposing him as an alien and pointing him out for
specialreprobation and outrage.
PAST, n.That part of Eternity with some small fraction of which
wehave a slight and regrettable acquaintance.A moving line called
thePresent parts it from an imaginary period known as the
Future.Thesetwo grand divisions of Eternity, of which the one is
continuallyeffacing the other, are entirely unlike.The one is dark with
sorrowand disappointment, the other bright with prosperity and
joy.ThePast is the region of sobs, the Future is the realm of song.In theone
crouches Memory, clad in sackcloth and ashes, mumbling
penitentialprayer; in the sunshine of the other Hope flies with a free
wing,beckoning to temples of success and bowers of ease.Yet the Past
isthe Future of yesterday, the Future is the Past of to-morrow.Theyare one
-- the knowledge and the dream.
PASTIME, n.A device for promoting dejection.Gentle exercise
forintellectual debility.
PATIENCE, n.A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue.
PATRIOT, n.One to whom the interests of a part seem superior tothose
of the whole.The dupe of statesmen and the tool of conquerors.
PATRIOTISM, n.Combustible rubbish read to the torch of any
oneambitious to illuminate his name. In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary
patriotism is defined as thelast resort of a scoundrel.With all due respect to
an enlightenedbut inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.
PEACE, n.In international affairs, a period of cheating between
twoperiods of fighting.
O, what's the loud uproar assailing Mine ears without cease? 'Tis the
voice of the hopeful, all-hailing The horrors of peace.
Ah, Peace Universal; they woo it -- Would marry it, too. If only they
knew how to do it 'Twere easy to do.
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They're working by night and by day On their problem, like moles.
Have mercy, O Heaven, I pray, On their meddlesome souls!
Ro Amil
PEDESTRIAN, n.The variable (an audible) part of the roadway for
anautomobile.
PEDIGREE, n.The known part of the route from an arboreal
ancestorwith a swim bladder to an urban descendant with a cigarette.
PENITENT, adj.Undergoing or awaiting punishment.
PERFECTION, n.An imaginary state of quality distinguished from
theactual by an element known as excellence; an attribute of the critic. The
editor of an English magazine having received a letterpointing out the
erroneous nature of his views and style, and signed"Perfection," promptly
wrote at the foot of the letter:"I don'tagree with you," and mailed it to
Matthew Arnold.
PERIPATETIC, adj.Walking about.Relating to the philosophy
ofAristotle, who, while expounding it, moved from place to place inorder
to avoid his pupil's objections.A needless precaution -- theyknew no more
of the matter than he.
PERORATION, n.The explosion of an oratorical rocket.It dazzles,but
to an observer having the wrong kind of nose its most
conspicuouspeculiarity is the smell of the several kinds of powder used
inpreparing it.
PERSEVERANCE, n.A lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achieves
aninglorious success.
"Persevere, persevere!" cry the homilists all, Themselves, day and
night, persevering to bawl. "Remember the fable of tortoise and hare --
The one at the goal while the other is -- where?" Why, back there in
Dreamland, renewing his lease Of life, all his muscles preserving the
peace, The goal and the rival forgotten alike, And the long fatigue of the
needless hike. His spirit a-squat in the grass and the dew Of the dogless
Land beyond the Stew, He sleeps, like a saint in a holy place, A winner of
all that is good in a race.
Sukker Uffro
PESSIMISM, n.A philosophy forced upon the convictions of
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theobserver by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with
hisscarecrow hope and his unsightly smile.
PHILANTHROPIST, n.A rich (and usually bald) old gentleman who
hastrained himself to grin while his conscience is picking his pocket.
PHILISTINE, n.One whose mind is the creature of its
environment,following the fashion in thought, feeling and sentiment.He
issometimes learned, frequently prosperous, commonly clean and
alwayssolemn.
PHILOSOPHY, n.A route of many roads leading from nowhere to
nothing.
PHOENIX, n.The classical prototype of the modern "small hot bird."
PHONOGRAPH, n.An irritating toy that restores life to dead noises.
PHOTOGRAPH, n.A picture painted by the sun without instruction
inart.It is a little better than the work of an Apache, but not quiteso good as
that of a Cheyenne.
PHRENOLOGY, n.The science of picking the pocket through the
scalp. It consists in locating and exploiting the organ that one is a
dupewith.
PHYSICIAN, n.One upon whom we set our hopes when ill and our
dogswhen well.
PHYSIOGNOMY, n.The art of determining the character of another
bythe resemblances and differences between his face and our own, whichis
the standard of excellence.
"There is no art," says Shakespeare, foolish man, "To read the mind's
construction in the face." The physiognomists his portrait scan, And
say:"How little wisdom here we trace! He knew his face disclosed his
mind and heart, So, in his own defence, denied our art."
Lavatar Shunk
PIANO, n.A parlor utensil for subduing the impenitent visitor.Itis
operated by pressing the keys of the machine and the spirits of
theaudience.
PICKANINNY, n.The young of the _Procyanthropos_, or
_Americanusdominans_.It is small, black and charged with political
fatalities.
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PICTURE, n.A representation in two dimensions of something
wearisome in three.
"Behold great Daubert's picture here on view --Taken from Life."If
that description's true, Grant, heavenly Powers, that I be taken, too.
Jali Hane
PIE, n.An advance agent of the reaper whose name is Indigestion.
Cold pie was highly esteemed by the remains.
Rev. Dr. Mucker
(in a funeral sermon over a British nobleman)
Cold pie is a detestable American comestible. That's why I'm done -
or undone -- So far from that dear London.
(from the headstone of a British nobleman in Kalamazoo)
PIETY, n.Reverence for the Supreme Being, based upon His
supposedresemblance to man.
The pig is taught by sermons and epistles To think the God of Swine
has snout and bristles.
Judibras
PIG, n.An animal (_Porcus omnivorus_) closely allied to the
humanrace by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however,
isinferior in scope, for it sticks at pig.
PIGMY, n.One of a tribe of very small men found by ancient
travelersin many parts of the world, but by modern in Central Africa
only.ThePigmies are so called to distinguish them from the bulkier
Caucasians-- who are Hogmies.
PILGRIM, n.A traveler that is taken seriously.A Pilgrim Father wasone
who, leaving Europe in 1620 because not permitted to sing psalmsthrough
his nose, followed it to Massachusetts, where he couldpersonate God
according to the dictates of his conscience.
PILLORY, n.A mechanical device for inflicting personal distinction-
prototype of the modern newspaper conducted by persons of
austerevirtues and blameless lives.
PIRACY, n.Commerce without its folly-swaddles, just as God made it.
PITIFUL, adj.The state of an enemy of opponent after an
imaginaryencounter with oneself.
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PITY, n.A failing sense of exemption, inspired by contrast.
PLAGIARISM, n.A literary coincidence compounded of a
discreditablepriority and an honorable subsequence.
PLAGIARIZE, v.To take the thought or style of another writer
whomone has never, never read.
PLAGUE, n.In ancient times a general punishment of the innocent
foradmonition of their ruler, as in the familiar instance of Pharaoh
theImmune.The plague as we of to-day have the happiness to know it
ismerely Nature's fortuitous manifestation of her
purposelessobjectionableness.
PLAN, v.t.To bother about the best method of accomplishing
anaccidental result.
PLATITUDE, n.The fundamental element and special glory of
popularliterature. A thought that snores in words that smoke.The wisdom
ofa million fools in the diction of a dullard.A fossil sentiment inartificial
rock.A moral without the fable.All that is mortal of adeparted truth.A
demi-tasse of milk-and-mortality.The Pope's-noseof a featherless
peacock.A jelly-fish withering on the shore of thesea of thought.The
cackle surviving the egg.A desiccated epigram.
PLATONIC, adj.Pertaining to the philosophy of Socrates.PlatonicLove
is a fool's name for the affection between a disability and afrost.
PLAUDITS, n.Coins with which the populace pays those who tickle
anddevour it.
PLEASE, v.To lay the foundation for a superstructure of imposition.
PLEASURE, n.The least hateful form of dejection.
PLEBEIAN, n.An ancient Roman who in the blood of his country
stainednothing but his hands.Distinguished from the Patrician, who was
asaturated solution.
PLEBISCITE, n.A popular vote to ascertain the will of the sovereign.
PLENIPOTENTIARY, adj.Having full power.A Minister
Plenipotentiaryis a diplomatist possessing absolute authority on condition
that henever exert it.
PLEONASM, n.An army of words escorting a corporal of thought.
PLOW, n.An implement that cries aloud for hands accustomed to
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thepen.
PLUNDER, v.To take the property of another without observing
thedecent and customary reticences of theft.To effect a change
ofownership with the candid concomitance of a brass band.To wrest
thewealth of A from B and leave C lamenting a vanishing opportunity.
POCKET, n.The cradle of motive and the grave of
conscience.Inwoman this organ is lacking; so she acts without motive, and
herconscience, denied burial, remains ever alive, confessing the sins
ofothers.
POETRY, n.A form of expression peculiar to the Land beyond
theMagazines.
POKER, n.A game said to be played with cards for some purpose
tothis lexicographer unknown.
POLICE, n.An armed force for protection and participation.
POLITENESS, n.The most acceptable hypocrisy.
POLITICS, n.A strife of interests masquerading as a contest
ofprinciples.The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.
POLITICIAN, n.An eel in the fundamental mud upon which
thesuperstructure of organized society is reared.When we wriggles
hemistakes the agitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice. As
compared with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of beingalive.
POLYGAMY, n.A house of atonement, or expiatory chapel, fitted
withseveral stools of repentance, as distinguished from monogamy,
whichhas but one.
POPULIST, n.A fossil patriot of the early agricultural period, foundin
the old red soapstone underlying Kansas; characterized by anuncommon
spread of ear, which some naturalists contend gave him thepower of flight,
though Professors Morse and Whitney, pursuingindependent lines of
thought, have ingeniously pointed out that had hepossessed it he would
have gone elsewhere.In the picturesque speechof his period, some
fragments of which have come down to us, he wasknown as "The Matter
with Kansas."
PORTABLE, adj.Exposed to a mutable ownership through vicissitudes
ofpossession.
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His light estate, if neither he did make it Nor yet its former guardian
forsake it, Is portable improperly, I take it.
Worgum Slupsky
PORTUGUESE, .A species of geese indigenous to
Portugal.Theyare mostly without feathers and imperfectly edible, even
when stuffedwith garlic.
POSITIVE, adj.Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
POSITIVISM, n.A philosophy that denies our knowledge of the Real
andaffirms our ignorance of the Apparent.Its longest exponent is Comte,its
broadest Mill and its thickest Spencer.
POSTERITY, n.An appellate court which reverses the judgment of
apopular author's contemporaries, the appellant being his
obscurecompetitor.
POTABLE, n.Suitable for drinking.Water is said to be potable;indeed,
some declare it our natural beverage, although even they findit palatable
only when suffering from the recurrent disorder known asthirst, for which
it is a medicine.Upon nothing has so great anddiligent ingenuity been
brought to bear in all ages and in allcountries, except the most uncivilized,
as upon the invention ofsubstitutes for water.To hold that this general
aversion to thatliquid has no basis in the preservative instinct of the race is
to beunscientific -- and without science we are as the snakes and toads.
POVERTY, n.A file provided for the teeth of the rats of
reform.Thenumber of plans for its abolition equals that of the reformers
whosuffer from it, plus that of the philosophers who know nothing
aboutit.Its victims are distinguished by possession of all the virtuesand by
their faith in leaders seeking to conduct them into aprosperity where they
believe these to be unknown.
PRAY, v.To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalfof a
single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
PRE-ADAMITE, n.One of an experimental and apparently
unsatisfactoryrace of antedated Creation and lived under conditions not
easilyconceived.Melsius believed them to have inhabited "the Void" and
tohave been something intermediate between fishes and birds.Little
itsknown of them beyond the fact that they supplied Cain with a wife
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andtheologians with a controversy.
PRECEDENT, n.In Law, a previous decision, rule or practice which,
inthe absence of a definite statute, has whatever force and authority aJudge
may choose to give it, thereby greatly simplifying his task ofdoing as he
pleases.As there are precedents for everything, he hasonly to ignore those
