speech and manner just Befitting his calling:"Madam, I trust That it
doesn't hurt your twigs."
B. Percival Dike
LINEN, n."A kind of cloth the making of which, when made of
hemp,entails a great waste of hemp." -- Calcraft the Hangman.
LITIGANT, n.A person about to give up his skin for the hope
ofretaining his bones.
LITIGATION, n.A machine which you go into as a pig and come out
ofas a sausage.
LIVER, n.A large red organ thoughtfully provided by nature to
bebilious with.The sentiments and emotions which every literaryanatomist
now knows to haunt the heart were anciently believed toinfest the liver;
and even Gascoygne, speaking of the emotional sideof human nature, calls
it "our hepaticall parte."It was at one timeconsidered the seat of life; hence
its name -- liver, the thing welive with.The liver is heaven's best gift to the
goose; without itthat bird would be unable to supply us with the
Strasbourg _pate_.
LL.D.Letters indicating the degree _Legumptionorum Doctor_,
onelearned in laws, gifted with legal gumption.Some suspicion is castupon
this derivation by the fact that the title was formerly _LL.d._,and
conferred only upon gentlemen distinguished for their wealth.Atthe date of
this writing Columbia University is considering theexpediency of making
90
THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY
another degree for clergymen, in place of the oldD.D. -- _Damnator
Diaboli_.The new honor will be known as _SanctorumCustus_, and
written _$$c_.The name of the Rev. John Satan has beensuggested as a
suitable recipient by a lover of consistency, whopoints out that Professor
Harry Thurston Peck has long enjoyed theadvantage of a degree.
LOCK-AND-KEY, n.The distinguishing device of civilization
andenlightenment.
LODGER, n.A less popular name for the Second Person of
thatdelectable newspaper Trinity, the Roomer, the Bedder, and the Mealer.
LOGIC, n.The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance
withthe limitations and incapacities of the human
misunderstanding.Thebasic of logic is the syllogism, consisting of a major
and a minorpremise and a conclusion -- thus: _Major Premise_:Sixty men
can do a piece of work sixty times asquickly as one man. _Minor
Premise_:One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds;therefore -
_Conclusion_:Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second. This may be
called the syllogism arithmetical, in which, bycombining logic and
mathematics, we obtain a double certainty and aretwice blessed.
LOGOMACHY, n.A war in which the weapons are words and the
woundspunctures in the swim-bladder of self-esteem -- a kind of contest
inwhich, the vanquished being unconscious of defeat, the victor isdenied
the reward of success.
'Tis said by divers of the scholar-men That poor Salmasius died of
Milton's pen. Alas! we cannot know if this is true, For reading Milton's wit
we perish too.
LOGANIMITY, n.The disposition to endure injury with meek
forbearancewhile maturing a plan of revenge.
LONGEVITY, n.Uncommon extension of the fear of death.
LOOKING-GLASS, n.A vitreous plane upon which to display a
fleetingshow for man's disillusion given. The King of Manchuria had a
magic looking-glass, whereon whosolooked saw, not his own image, but
only that of the king.A certaincourtier who had long enjoyed the king's
favor and was therebyenriched beyond any other subject of the realm, said
to the king: "Give me, I pray, thy wonderful mirror, so that when absent
91
THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY
out ofthine august presence I may yet do homage before thy visible
shadow,prostrating myself night and morning in the glory of thy
benigncountenance, as which nothing has so divine splendor, O Noonday
Sun ofthe Universe!" Please with the speech, the king commanded that the
mirror beconveyed to the courtier's palace; but after, having gone
thitherwithout apprisal, he found it in an apartment where was naught
butidle lumber.And the mirror was dimmed with dust and overlaced
withcobwebs.This so angered him that he fisted it hard, shattering theglass,
and was sorely hurt.Enraged all the more by this mischance,he
commanded that the ungrateful courtier be thrown into prison, andthat the
glass be repaired and taken back to his own palace; and thiswas done.But
when the king looked again on the mirror he saw not hisimage as before,
but only the figure of a crowned ass, having a bloodybandage on one of its
hinder hooves -- as the artificers and all whohad looked upon it had before
discerned but feared to report.Taughtwisdom and charity, the king restored
his courtier to liberty, had themirror set into the back of the throne and
reigned many years withjustice and humility; and one day when he fell
asleep in death whileon the throne, the whole court saw in the mirror the
luminous figureof an angel, which remains to this day.
LOQUACITY, n.A disorder which renders the sufferer unable to
curbhis tongue when you wish to talk.
LORD, n.In American society, an English tourist above the state of
acostermonger, as, lord 'Aberdasher, Lord Hartisan and so
forth.Thetraveling Briton of lesser degree is addressed as "Sir," as, Sir
'ArryDonkiboi, or 'Amstead 'Eath.The word "Lord" is sometimes used,
also,as a title of the Supreme Being; but this is thought to be ratherflattery
than true reverence.
Miss Sallie Ann Splurge, of her own accord, Wedded a wandering
English lord -- Wedded and took him to dwell with her "paw," A parent
who throve by the practice of Draw. Lord Cadde I don't hesitate to declare
Unworthy the father-in-legal care Of that elderly sport, notwithstanding
the truth That Cadde had renounced all the follies of youth; For, sad to
relate, he'd arrived at the stage Of existence that's marked by the vices of
age. Among them, cupidity caused him to urge Repeated demands on the
92
THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY
pocket of Splurge, Till, wrecked in his fortune, that gentleman saw
Inadequate aid in the practice of Draw, And took, as a means of
augmenting his pelf, To the business of being a lord himself. His neatfitting garments he wilfully shed And sacked himself strangely in checks
instead; Denuded his chin, but retained at each ear A whisker that looked
like a blasted career. He painted his neck an incarnadine hue Each
morning and varnished it all that he knew. The moony monocular set in his
eye Appeared to be scanning the Sweet Bye-and-Bye. His head was
enroofed with a billycock hat, And his low-necked shoes were aduncous
and flat. In speech he eschewed his American ways, Denying his nose to
the use of his A's And dulling their edge till the delicate sense Of a babe at
their temper could take no offence. His H's -- 'twas most inexpressibly
sweet, The patter they made as they fell at his feet! Re-outfitted thus, Mr.
Splurge without fear Began as Lord Splurge his recouping career. Alas, the
Divinity shaping his end Entertained other views and decided to send His
lordship in horror, despair and dismay From the land of the nobleman's
natural prey. For, smit with his Old World ways, Lady Cadde Fell -
suffering Caesar! -- in love with her dad!
LORE, n.Learning -- particularly that sort which is not derived froma
regular course of instruction but comes of the reading of occultbooks, or
by nature.This latter is commonly designated as folk-loreand embraces
popularly myths and superstitions.In Baring-Gould's_Curious Myths of
the Middle Ages_ the reader will find many of thesetraced backward,
through various people son converging lines, toward acommon origin in
remote antiquity.Among these are the fables of"Teddy the Giant Killer,"
"The Sleeping John Sharp Williams," "LittleRed Riding Hood and the
Sugar Trust," "Beauty and the Brisbane," "TheSeven Aldermen of
Ephesus," "Rip Van Fairbanks," and so forth.Thefable with Goethe so
affectingly relates under the title of "The Erl-King" was known two
thousand years ago in Greece as "The Demos and theInfant Industry."One
of the most general and ancient of these mythsis that Arabian tale of "Ali
Baba and the Forty Rockefellers."LOSS, n.Privation of that which we had,
or had not.Thus, in thelatter sense, it is said of a defeated candidate that he
93
THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY
"lost hiselection"; and of that eminent man, the poet Gilder, that he has
"losthis mind."It is in the former and more legitimate sense, that theword
is used in the famous epitaph:
Here Huntington's ashes long have lain Whose loss is our eternal gain,
For while he exercised all his powers Whatever he gained, the loss was
ours.
LOVE, n.A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal
ofthe patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder.
This disease, like _caries_ and many other ailments, is prevalent
onlyamong civilized races living under artificial conditions;
barbarousnations breathing pure air and eating simple food enjoy
immunity fromits ravages.It is sometimes fatal, but more frequently to
thephysician than to the patient.
LOW-BRED, adj."Raised" instead of brought up.
LUMINARY, n.One who throws light upon a subject; as an editor by
notwriting about it.
LUNARIAN, n.An inhabitant of the moon, as distinguished
fromLunatic, one whom the moon inhabits.The Lunarians have
beendescribed by Lucian, Locke and other observers, but without
muchagreement.For example, Bragellos avers their anatomical
identitywith Man, but Professor Newcomb says they are more like the
hilltribes of Vermont.
LYRE, n.An ancient instrument of torture.The word is now used in
afigurative sense to denote the poetic faculty, as in the followingfiery lines
of our great poet, Ella Wheeler Wilcox:
I sit astride Parnassus with my lyre, And pick with care the disobedient
wire. That stupid shepherd lolling on his crook With deaf attention
scarcely deigns to look. I bide my time, and it shall come at length, When,
with a Titan's energy and strength, I'll grab a fistful of the strings, and O,
The word shall suffer when I let them go!
Farquharson Harris
94
THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY
M
MACE, n.A staff of office signifying authority.Its form, that of aheavy
club, indicates its original purpose and use in dissuading fromdissent.
MACHINATION, n.The method employed by one's opponents in
bafflingone's open and honorable efforts to do the right thing.
So plain the advantages of machination It constitutes a moral
obligation, And honest wolves who think upon't with loathing Feel bound
to don the sheep's deceptive clothing. So prospers still the diplomatic art,
And Satan bows, with hand upon his heart.
R.S.K.
MACROBIAN, n.One forgotten of the gods and living to a great age.
History is abundantly supplied with examples, from Methuselah to
OldParr, but some notable instances of longevity are less well
known.ACalabrian peasant named Coloni, born in 1753, lived so long that
hehad what he considered a glimpse of the dawn of universal peace.
Scanavius relates that he knew an archbishop who was so old that hecould
remember a time when he did not deserve hanging.In 1566 alinen draper
of Bristol, England, declared that he had lived fivehundred years, and that
in all that time he had never told a lie. There are instances of longevity
(_macrobiosis_) in our own country. Senator Chauncey Depew is old
enough to know better.The editor of_The American_, a newspaper in New
York City, has a memory that goesback to the time when he was a rascal,
but not to the fact.ThePresident of the United States was born so long ago
that many of thefriends of his youth have risen to high political and
militarypreferment without the assistance of personal merit.The
versesfollowing were written by a macrobian:
When I was young the world was fair And amiable and sunny. A
brightness was in all the air, In all the waters, honey. The jokes were fine
and funny, The statesmen honest in their views, And in their lives, as well,
And when you heard a bit of news 'Twas true enough to tell. Men were not
ranting, shouting, reeking, Nor women "generally speaking."
The Summer then was long indeed: It lasted one whole season! The
95
THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY
sparkling Winter gave no heed When ordered by Unreason To bring the
early peas on. Now, where the dickens is the sense In calling that a year
Which does no more than just commence Before the end is near? When I
was young the year extended From month to month until it ended. I know
not why the world has changed To something dark and dreary, And
everything is now arranged To make a fellow weary. The Weather Man -- I
fear he Has much to do with it, for, sure, The air is not the same: It chokes
you when it is impure, When pure it makes you lame. With windows
closed you are asthmatic; Open, neuralgic or sciatic.
Well, I suppose this new regime Of dun degeneration Seems eviler
than it would seem To a better observation, And has for compensation
Some blessings in a deep disguise Which mortal sight has failed To pierce,
although to angels' eyes They're visible unveiled. If Age is such a boon,
good land! He's costumed by a master hand!
Venable Strigg
MAD, adj.Affected with a high degree of intellectual
independence;not conforming to standards of thought, speech and action
derived bythe conformants from study of themselves; at odds with the
majority;in short, unusual.It is noteworthy that persons are pronounced
madby officials destitute of evidence that themselves are
sane.Forillustration, this present (and illustrious) lexicographer is nofirmer
in the faith of his own sanity than is any inmate of anymadhouse in the
land; yet for aught he knows to the contrary, insteadof the lofty occupation
that seems to him to be engaging his powers hemay really be beating his
hands against the window bars of an asylumand declaring himself Noah
Webster, to the innocent delight of manythoughtless spectators.
MAGDALENE, n.An inhabitant of Magdala.Popularly, a woman
foundout.This definition of the word has the authority of ignorance,
Maryof Magdala being another person than the penitent woman mentioned
bySt. Luke.It has also the official sanction of the governments ofGreat
Britain and the United States.In England the word ispronounced Maudlin,
whence maudlin, adjective, unpleasantlysentimental.With their Maudlin
for Magdalene, and their Bedlam forBethlehem, the English may justly
boast themselves the greatest ofrevisers.
96
THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY
MAGIC, n.An art of converting superstition into coin.There areother
arts serving the same high purpose, but the discreetlexicographer does not
name them.
MAGNET, n.Something acted upon by magnetism.
MAGNETISM, n.Something acting upon a magnet. The two
definitions immediately foregoing are condensed from theworks of one
thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated thesubject with a great
white light, to the inexpressible advancement ofhuman knowledge.
MAGNIFICENT, adj.Having a grandeur or splendor superior to that
towhich the spectator is accustomed, as the ears of an ass, to a rabbit,or the
glory of a glowworm, to a maggot.
MAGNITUDE, n.Size.Magnitude being purely relative, nothing
islarge and nothing small.If everything in the universe were increasedin
bulk one thousand diameters nothing would be any larger than it
wasbefore, but if one thing remain unchanged all the others would
belarger than they had been.To an understanding familiar with therelativity
of magnitude and distance the spaces and masses of theastronomer would
be no more impressive than those of the microscopist. For anything we
know to the contrary, the visible universe may be asmall part of an atom,
with its component ions, floating in the life-fluid (luminiferous ether) of
some animal.Possibly the wee creaturespeopling the corpuscles of our own
blood are overcome with the properemotion when contemplating the
unthinkable distance from one of theseto another.
MAGPIE, n.A bird whose thievishsomeonethat it might be taught to talk.
MAIDEN, n.A young person of the
disposition
unfair sex
suggested
addictedto
to
clewlessconduct and views that madden to crime.The genus has a
widegeographical distribution, being found wherever sought and
deploredwherever found.The maiden is not altogether unpleasing to the
eye,nor (without her piano and her views) insupportable to the ear,
thoughin respect to comeliness distinctly inferior to the rainbow, and,
withregard to the part of her that is audible, bleating out of the fieldby the
canary -- which, also, is more portable.
A lovelorn maiden she sat and sang -- This quaint, sweet song sang she;
97
THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY
"It's O for a youth with a football bang And a muscle fair to see! The
Captain he Of a team to be! On the gridiron he shall shine, A monarch by
right divine, And never to roast on it -- me!"
Opoline Jones
MAJESTY, n.The state and title of a king.Regarded with a
justcontempt by the Most Eminent Grand Masters, Grand Chancellors,
GreatIncohonees and Imperial Potentates of the ancient and honorable
ordersof republican America.
MALE, n.A member of the unconsidered, or negligible sex.The maleof
the human race is commonly known (to the female) as Mere
Man.Thegenus has two varieties:good providers and bad providers.
MALEFACTOR, n.The chief factor in the progress of the human race.
MALTHUSIAN, adj.Pertaining to Malthus and his
doctrines.Malthusbelieved in artificially limiting population, but found
that it couldnot be done by talking.One of the most practical exponents of
theMalthusian idea was Herod of Judea, though all the famous
soldiershave been of the same way of thinking.
MAMMALIA, .A family of vertebrate animals whose females in
astate of nature suckle their young, but when civilized and enlightenedput
them out to nurse, or use the bottle.
MAMMON, n.The god of the world's leading religion.The chief
templeis in the holy city of New York.
He swore that all other religions were gammon, And wore out his
knees in the worship of Mammon.
Jared Oopf
MAN, n.An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what
hethinks he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be.Hischief
occupation is extermination of other animals and his ownspecies, which,
however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as toinfest the whole
