chalice.
Down upon the middle Of his legs fell Twaddle And astonished Mr.
Twiddle, Who began to lift his noddle. Feed upon the fiddle- Faddle
flummery, unswaddle A new-born self-sufficiency and think himself a
[mockery.]
HUMANITY, n.The human race, collectively, exclusive of
theanthropoid poets.
HUMORIST, n.A plague that would have softened down the
hoarausterity of Pharaoh's heart and persuaded him to dismiss Israel
withhis best wishes, cat-quick.
Lo! the poor humorist, whose tortured mind See jokes in crowds,
though still to gloom inclined -- Whose simple appetite, untaught to stray,
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His brains, renewed by night, consumes by day. He thinks, admitted to an
equal sty, A graceful hog would bear his company.
Alexander Poke
HURRICANE, n.An atmospheric demonstration once very common
but nowgenerally abandoned for the tornado and cyclone.The hurricane
isstill in popular use in the West Indies and is preferred by certainoldfashioned sea-captains.It is also used in the construction ofthe upper decks
of steamboats, but generally speaking, the hurricane'susefulness has
outlasted it.
HURRY, n.The dispatch of bunglers.
HUSBAND, n.One who, having dined, is charged with the care of
theplate.
HYBRID, n.A pooled issue.
HYDRA, n.A kind of animal that the ancients catalogued under
manyheads.
HYENA, n.A beast held in reverence by some oriental nations from
itshabit of frequenting at night the burial-places of the dead.But
themedical student does that.
HYPOCHONDRIASIS, n.Depression of one's own spirits.
Some heaps of trash upon a vacant lot Where long the village rubbish
had been shot Displayed a sign among the stuff and stumps -
"Hypochondriasis."It meant The Dumps.
Bogul S. Purvy
HYPOCRITE, n.One who, profession virtues that he does not
respectsecures the advantage of seeming to be what he depises.
I
I is the first letter of the alphabet, the first word of the language,the
first thought of the mind, the first object of affection.Ingrammar it is a
pronoun of the first person and singular number.Itsplural is said to be
_We_, but how there can be more than one myselfis doubtless clearer the
grammarians than it is to the author of thisincomparable
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dictionary.Conception of two myselfs is difficult, butfine.The frank yet
graceful use of "I" distinguishes a good writerfrom a bad; the latter carries
it with the manner of a thief trying tocloak his loot.
ICHOR, n.A fluid that serves the gods and goddesses in place ofblood.
Fair Venus, speared by Diomed, Restrained the raging chief and said:
"Behold, rash mortal, whom you've bled -- Your soul's stained white with
ichorshed!"
Mary Doke
ICONOCLAST, n.A breaker of idols, the worshipers whereof
areimperfectly gratified by the performance, and most strenuously
protestthat he unbuildeth but doth not reedify, that he pulleth down
butpileth not up.For the poor things would have other idols in place
ofthose he thwacketh upon the mazzard and dispelleth.But theiconoclast
saith:"Ye shall have none at all, for ye need them not;and if the rebuilder
fooleth round hereabout, behold I will depressthe head of him and sit
thereon till he squawk it."
IDIOT, n.A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence
inhuman affairs has always been dominant and controlling.The
Idiot'sactivity is not confined to any special field of thought or action,but
"pervades and regulates the whole."He has the last word ineverything; his
decision is unappealable.He sets the fashions andopinion of taste, dictates
the limitations of speech and circumscribesconduct with a dead-line.
IDLENESS, n.A model farm where the devil experiments with seeds
ofnew sins and promotes the growth of staple vices.
IGNORAMUS, n.A person unacquainted with certain kinds of
knowledgefamiliar to yourself, and having certain other kinds that you
knownothing about.
Dumble was an ignoramus, Mumble was for learning famous. Mumble
said one day to Dumble: "Ignorance should be more humble. Not a spark
have you of knowledge That was got in any college." Dumble said to
Mumble:"Truly You're self-satisfied unduly. Of things in college I'm
denied A knowledge -- you of all beside."
Borelli
ILLUMINATI, n.A sect of Spanish heretics of the latter part of
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thesixteenth century; so called because they were light weights -
_cunctationes illuminati_.
ILLUSTRIOUS, adj.Suitably placed for the shafts of malice, envy
anddetraction.
IMAGINATION, n.A warehouse of facts, with poet and liar in
jointownership.
IMBECILITY, n.A kind of divine inspiration, or sacred fire
affectingcensorious critics of this dictionary.
IMMIGRANT, n.An unenlightened person who thinks one country
betterthan another.
IMMODEST, adj.Having a strong sense of one's own merit, coupled
witha feeble conception of worth in others.
There was once a man in Ispahan Ever and ever so long ago, And he
had a head, the phrenologists said, That fitted him for a show.
For his modesty's bump was so large a lump (Nature, they said, had
taken a freak) That its summit stood far above the wood Of his hair, like a
mountain peak.
So modest a man in all Ispahan, Over and over again they swore -- So
humble and meek, you would vainly seek; None ever was found before.
Meantime the hump of that awful bump Into the heavens contrived to
get To so great a height that they called the wight The man with the
minaret.
There wasn't a man in all Ispahan Prouder, or louder in praise of his
chump: With a tireless tongue and a brazen lung He bragged of that
beautiful bump
Till the Shah in a rage sent a trusty page Bearing a sack and a bowstring too, And that gentle child explained as he smiled: "A little present
for you."
The saddest man in all Ispahan, Sniffed at the gift, yet accepted the
same. "If I'd lived," said he, "my humility Had given me deathless fame!"
Sukker Uffro
IMMORAL, adj.Inexpedient.Whatever in the long run and with
regardto the greater number of instances men find to be
generallyinexpedient comes to be considered wrong, wicked, immoral.If
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man'snotions of right and wrong have any other basis than this
ofexpediency; if they originated, or could have originated, in any otherway;
if actions have in themselves a moral character apart from, andnowise
dependent on, their consequences -- then all philosophy is alie and reason
a disorder of the mind.
IMMORTALITY, n.
A toy which people cry for, And on their knees apply for, Dispute,
contend and lie for, And if allowed Would be right proud Eternally to die
for.
IMPALE, v.t.In popular usage to pierce with any weapon which
remainsfixed in the wound.This, however, is inaccurate; to imaple
is,properly, to put to death by thrusting an upright sharp stake into thebody,
the victim being left in a sitting position.This was a commonmode of
punishment among many of the nations of antiquity, and isstill in high
favor in China and other parts of Asia.Down to thebeginning of the
fifteenth century it was widely employed in"churching" heretics and
schismatics.Wolecraft calls it the "stooleof repentynge," and among the
common people it was jocularly known as"riding the one legged
horse."Ludwig Salzmann informs us that inThibet impalement is
considered the most appropriate punishment forcrimes against religion;
and although in China it is sometimes awardedfor secular offences, it is
most frequently adjudged in cases ofsacrilege.To the person in actual
experience of impalement it mustbe a matter of minor importance by what
kind of civil or religiousdissent he was made acquainted with its
discomforts; but doubtless hewould feel a certain satisfaction if able to
contemplate himself inthe character of a weather-cock on the spire of the
True Church.
IMPARTIAL, adj.Unable to perceive any promise of personal
advantagefrom espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of
twoconflicting opinions.
IMPENITENCE, n.A state of mind intermediate in point of time
betweensin and punishment.
IMPIETY, n.Your irreverence toward my deity.
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IMPOSITION, n.The act of blessing or consecrating by the laying
onof hands -- a ceremony common to many ecclesiastical systems,
butperformed with the frankest sincerity by the sect known as Thieves.
"Lo! by the laying on of hands," Say parson, priest and dervise, "We
consecrate your cash and lands To ecclesiastical service. No doubt you'll
swear till all is blue At such an imposition.Do."
Pollo Doncas
IMPOSTOR n.A rival aspirant to public honors.
IMPROBABILITY, n.
His tale he told with a solemn face And a tender, melancholy grace.
Improbable 'twas, no doubt, When you came to think it out, But the
fascinated crowd Their deep surprise avowed And all with a single voice
averred 'Twas the most amazing thing they'd heard -- All save one who
spake never a word, But sat as mum As if deaf and dumb, Serene,
indifferent and unstirred. Then all the others turned to him And scrutinized
him limb from limb -- Scanned him alive; But he seemed to thrive And
tranquiler grow each minute, As if there were nothing in it. "What! what!"
cried one, "are you not amazed At what our friend has told?"He raised
Soberly then his eyes and gazed In a natural way And proceeded to say, As
he crossed his feet on the mantel-shelf: "O no -- not at all; I'm a liar
myself."
IMPROVIDENCE, n.Provision for the needs of to-day from the
revenuesof to-morrow.
IMPUNITY, n.Wealth.
INADMISSIBLE, adj.Not competent to be considered.Said of
certainkinds of testimony which juries are supposed to be unfit to
beentrusted with, and which judges, therefore, rule out, even
ofproceedings before themselves alone.Hearsay evidence is
inadmissiblebecause the person quoted was unsworn and is not before the
court forexamination; yet most momentous actions, military,
political,commercial and of every other kind, are daily undertaken on
hearsayevidence.There is no religion in the world that has any other
basisthan hearsay evidence.Revelation is hearsay evidence; that
theScriptures are the word of God we have only the testimony of men
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longdead whose identity is not clearly established and who are not
knownto have been sworn in any sense.Under the rules of evidence as
theynow exist in this country, no single assertion in the Bible has in
itssupport any evidence admissible in a court of law.It cannot beproved
that the battle of Blenheim ever was fought, that there wassuch as person
as Julius Caesar, such an empire as Assyria.
But as records of courts of justice are admissible, it can easilybe
proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and werea
scourge to mankind.The evidence (including confession) upon
whichcertain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was
without aflaw; it is still unimpeachable.The judges' decisions based on
itwere sound in logic and in law.Nothing in any existing court wasever
more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and sorceryfor
which so many suffered death.If there were no witches, humantestimony
and human reason are alike destitute of value.
INAUSPICIOUSLY, adv.In an unpromising manner, the auspices
beingunfavorable.Among the Romans it was customary before
undertaking anyimportant action or enterprise to obtain from the augurs,
or stateprophets, some hint of its probable outcome; and one of their
favoriteand most trustworthy modes of divination consisted in observing
theflight of birds -- the omens thence derived being called _auspices_.
Newspaper reporters and certain miscreant lexicographers have
decidedthat the word --always in the plural -- shall mean "patronage"
or"management"; as, "The festivities were under the auspices of
theAncient and Honorable Order of Body-Snatchers"; or, "The
hilaritieswere auspicated by the Knights of Hunger."
A Roman slave appeared one day Before the Augur."Tell me, pray, If -
" here the Augur, smiling, made A checking gesture and displayed His
open palm, which plainly itched, For visibly its surface twitched. A
_denarius_ (the Latin nickel) Successfully allayed the tickle, And then the
slave proceeded:"Please Inform me whether Fate decrees Success or
failure in what I To-night (if it be dark) shall try. Its nature?Never mind -
I think 'Tis writ on this" -- and with a wink Which darkened half the earth,
he drew Another denarius to view, Its shining face attentive scanned, Then
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slipped it into the good man's hand, Who with great gravity said:"Wait
While I retire to question Fate." That holy person then withdrew His
scared clay and, passing through The temple's rearward gate, cried
"Shoo!" Waving his robe of office.Straight Each sacred peacock and its
mate (Maintained for Juno's favor) fled With clamor from the trees
o'erhead, Where they were perching for the night. The temple's roof
received their flight, For thither they would always go, When danger
threatened them below. Back to the slave the Augur went: "My son,
forecasting the event By flight of birds, I must confess The auspices deny
success." That slave retired, a sadder man, Abandoning his secret plan --
Which was (as well the craft seer Had from the first divined) to clear The
wall and fraudulently seize On Juno's poultry in the trees.
INCOME, n.The natural and rational gauge and measure
ofrespectability, the commonly accepted standards being artificial,arbitrary
and fallacious; for, as "Sir Sycophas Chrysolater" in theplay has justly
remarked, "the true use and function of property (inwhatsoever it
consisteth -- coins, or land, or houses, or merchant-stuff, or anything
which may be named as holden of right to one's ownsubservience) as also
of honors, titles, preferments and place, andall favor and acquaintance of
persons of quality or ableness, are butto get money.Hence it followeth that
all things are truly to berated as of worth in measure of their
serviceableness to that end; andtheir possessors should take rank in
agreement thereto, neither thelord of an unproducing manor, howsoever
broad and ancient, nor he whobears an unremunerate dignity, nor yet the
pauper favorite of a king,being esteemed of level excellency with him
whose riches are of dailyaccretion; and hardly should they whose wealth is
barren claim andrightly take more honor than the poor and unworthy."
INCOMPATIBILITY, n.In matrimony a similarity of tastes,
particularlythe taste for domination.Incompatibility may, however, consist
of ameek-eyed matron living just around the corner.It has even beenknown
to wear a moustache.
INCOMPOSSIBLE, adj.Unable to exist if something else
exists.Twothings are incompossible when the world of being has scope
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enough forone of them, but not enough for both -- as Walt Whitman's
poetry andGod's mercy to man.Incompossibility, it will be seen, is
onlyincompatibility let loose.Instead of such low language as "Go
heelyourself -- I mean to kill you on sight," the words, "Sir, we
areincompossible," would convey and equally significant intimation and
instately courtesy are altogether superior.
INCUBUS, n.One of a race of highly improper demons who,
thoughprobably not wholly extinct, may be said to have seen their
bestnights.For a complete account of _incubi_ and _succubi_,
including_incubae_ and _succubae_, see the _Liber Demonorum_ of
Protassus(Paris, 1328), which contains much curious information that
would beout of place in a dictionary intended as a text-book for the
publicschools. Victor Hugo relates that in the Channel Islands Satan
himself --tempted more than elsewhere by the beauty of the women,
doubtless --sometimes plays at _incubus_, greatly to the inconvenience
and alarmof the good dames who wish to be loyal to their marriage
vows,generally speaking.A certain lady applied to the parish priest tolearn
how they might, in the dark, distinguish the hardy intruder fromtheir
husbands.The holy man said they must feel his brown for horns;but Hugo
is ungallant enough to hint a doubt of the efficacy of thetest.
INCUMBENT, n.A person of the liveliest interest to the outcumbents.
INDECISION, n.The chief element of success; "for whereas," saith
SirThomas Brewbold, "there is but one way to do nothing and divers way
todo something, whereof, to a surety, only one is the right way, itfolloweth
that he who from indecision standeth still hath not so manychances of
going astray as he who pusheth forwards" -- a most clearand satisfactory
exposition on the matter. "Your prompt decision to attack," said Genera
Grant on a certainoccasion to General Gordon Granger, "was admirable;
you had but fiveminutes to make up your mind in." "Yes, sir," answered
the victorious subordinate, "it is a greatthing to be know exactly what to
