afterward inhume it withsoil.This he at once proceeded to do, and had
made a continuous lineof it all the way across a ten-acre field, when he
was made to lookbackward by a shout from the generous donor, who at
once dropped alighted match into the furrow at the starting-point.Contact
with theearth had somewhat dampened the powder, but the startled
functionarysaw himself pursued by a tall moving pillar of fire and smoke
andfierce evolution.He stood for a moment paralyzed and speechless,then
he recollected an engagement and, dropping all, absented himselfthence
with such surprising celerity that to the eyes of spectatorsalong the route
selected he appeared like a long, dim streakprolonging itself with
inconceivable rapidity through seven villages,and audibly refusing to be
comforted."Great Scott! what is that?"cried a surveyor's chainman,
shading his eyes and gazing at the fadingline of agriculturist which
bisected his visible horizon."That,"said the surveyor, carelessly glancing at
the phenomenon and againcentering his attention upon his instrument, "is
the Meridian ofWashington."
H
HABEAS CORPUS.A writ by which a man may be taken out of jail
whenconfined for the wrong crime.
HABIT, n.A shackle for the free.
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HADES, n.The lower world; the residence of departed spirits; theplace
where the dead live. Among the ancients the idea of Hades was not
synonymous with ourHell, many of the most respectable men of antiquity
residing there ina very comfortable kind of way.Indeed, the Elysian Fields
themselveswere a part of Hades, though they have since been removed to
Paris. When the Jacobean version of the New Testament was in process
ofevolution the pious and learned men engaged in the work insisted by
amajority vote on translating the Greek word "Aides" as "Hell"; but
aconscientious minority member secretly possessed himself of the
recordand struck out the objectional word wherever he could find it.At
thenext meeting, the Bishop of Salisbury, looking over the work,
suddenlysprang to his feet and said with considerable
excitement:"Gentlemen,somebody has been razing 'Hell' here!"Years
afterward the goodprelate's death was made sweet by the reflection that he
had been themeans (under Providence) of making an important,
serviceable andimmortal addition to the phraseology of the English
tongue.
HAG, n.An elderly lady whom you do not happen to like;
sometimescalled, also, a hen, or cat.Old witches, sorceresses, etc.,
werecalled hags from the belief that their heads were surrounded by a
kindof baleful lumination or nimbus --hag being the popular name of
thatpeculiar electrical light sometimes observed in the hair.At one timehag
was not a word of reproach:Drayton speaks of a "beautiful hag,all smiles,"
much as Shakespeare said, "sweet wench."It would notnow be proper to
call your sweetheart a hag -- that compliment isreserved for the use of her
grandchildren.
HALF, n.One of two equal parts into which a thing may be divided,
orconsidered as divided.In the fourteenth century a heated discussionarose
among theologists and philosophers as to whether Omnisciencecould part
an object into three halves; and the pious FatherAldrovinus publicly
prayed in the cathedral at Rouen that God woulddemonstrate the
affirmative of the proposition in some signal andunmistakable way, and
particularly (if it should please Him) upon thebody of that hardy
blasphemer, Manutius Procinus, who maintained thenegative.Procinus,
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however, was spared to die of the bite of aviper.
HALO, n.Properly, a luminous ring encircling an astronomical
body,but not infrequently confounded with "aureola," or "nimbus,"
asomewhat similar phenomenon worn as a head-dress by divinities
andsaints.The halo is a purely optical illusion, produced by moisturein the
air, in the manner of a rainbow; but the aureola is conferredas a sign of
superior sanctity, in the same way as a bishop's mitre,or the Pope's tiara.In
the painting of the Nativity, by Szedgkin, apious artist of Pesth, not only
do the Virgin and the Child wear thenimbus, but an ass nibbling hay from
the sacred manger is similarlydecorated and, to his lasting honor be it said,
appears to bear hisunaccustomed dignity with a truly saintly grace.
HAND, n.A singular instrument worn at the end of the human arm
andcommonly thrust into somebody's pocket.
HANDKERCHIEF, n.A small square of silk or linen, used in
variousignoble offices about the face and especially serviceable at
funeralsto conceal the lack of tears.The handkerchief is of recentinvention;
our ancestors knew nothing of it and intrusted its dutiesto the
sleeve.Shakespeare's introducing it into the play of"Othello" is an
anachronism:Desdemona dried her nose with her skirt,as Dr. Mary Walker
and other reformers have done with their coattailsin our own day -- an
evidence that revolutions sometimes go backward.
HANGMAN, n.An officer of the law charged with duties of the
highestdignity and utmost gravity, and held in hereditary disesteem by
apopulace having a criminal ancestry.In some of the American Stateshis
functions are now performed by an electrician, as in New Jersey,where
executions by electricity have recently been ordered -- thefirst instance
known to this lexicographer of anybody questioning theexpediency of
hanging Jerseymen.
HAPPINESS, n.An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating
themisery of another.
HARANGUE, n.A speech by an opponent, who is known as an
harrangue-outang.
HARBOR, n.A place where ships taking shelter from stores are
exposedto the fury of the customs.
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HARMONISTS, n.A sect of Protestants, now extinct, who came
fromEurope in the beginning of the last century and were distinguished
forthe bitterness of their internal controversies and dissensions.
HASH, x.There is no definition for this word -- nobody knows
whathash is.
HATCHET, n.A young axe, known among Indians as a Thomashawk.
"O bury the hatchet, irascible Red, For peace is a blessing," the White
Man said. The Savage concurred, and that weapon interred, With imposing
rites, in the White Man's head.
John Lukkus
HATRED, n.A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of
another'ssuperiority.
HEAD-MONEY, n.A capitation tax, or poll-tax.
In ancient times there lived a king Whose tax-collectors could not
wring From all his subjects gold enough To make the royal way less rough.
For pleasure's highway, like the dames Whose premises adjoin it, claims
Perpetual repairing.So The tax-collectors in a row Appeared before the
throne to pray Their master to devise some way To swell the revenue."So
great," Said they, "are the demands of state A tithe of all that we collect
Will scarcely meet them.Pray reflect: How, if one-tenth we must resign,
Can we exist on t'other nine?" The monarch asked them in reply: "Has it
occurred to you to try The advantage of economy?" "It has," the
spokesman said:"we sold All of our gray garrotes of gold; With platedware we now compress The necks of those whom we assess. Plain iron
forceps we employ To mitigate the miser's joy Who hoards, with greed
that never tires, That which your Majesty requires." Deep lines of thought
were seen to plow Their way across the royal brow. "Your state is
desperate, no question; Pray favor me with a suggestion." "O King of
Men," the spokesman said, "If you'll impose upon each head A tax, the
augmented revenue We'll cheerfully divide with you." As flashes of the
sun illume The parted storm-cloud's sullen gloom, The king smiled
grimly."I decree That it be so -- and, not to be In generosity outdone,
Declare you, each and every one, Exempted from the operation Of this
new law of capitation. But lest the people censure me Because they're
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bound and you are free, 'Twere well some clever scheme were laid By you
this poll-tax to evade. I'll leave you now while you confer With my most
trusted minister." The monarch from the throne-room walked And
straightway in among them stalked A silent man, with brow concealed,
Bare-armed -- his gleaming axe revealed!
HEARSE, n.Death's baby-carriage.
HEART, n.An automatic, muscular blood-pump.Figuratively,
thisuseful organ is said to be the esat of emotions and sentiments -- avery
pretty fancy which, however, is nothing but a survival of a onceuniversal
belief.It is now known that the sentiments and emotionsreside in the
stomach, being evolved from food by chemical action ofthe gastric
fluid.The exact process by which a beefsteak becomes afeeling -- tender or
not, according to the age of the animal fromwhich it was cut; the
successive stages of elaboration through which acaviar sandwich is
transmuted to a quaint fancy and reappears as apungent epigram; the
marvelous functional methods of converting ahard-boiled egg into
religious contrition, or a cream-puff into a sighof sensibility -- these things
have been patiently ascertained by M.Pasteur, and by him expounded with
convincing lucidity.(See, also,my monograph, _The Essential Identity of
the Spiritual Affections andCertain Intestinal Gases Freed in Digestion_ -
4to, 687 pp.)In ascientific work entitled, I believe, _Delectatio
Demonorum_ (JohnCamden Hotton, London, 1873) this view of the
sentiments receives astriking illustration; and for further light consult
Professor Dam'sfamous treatise on _Love as a Product of Alimentary
Maceration_.
HEAT, n.
Heat, says Professor Tyndall, is a mode Of motion, but I know now
how he's proving His point; but this I know -- hot words bestowed With
skill will set the human fist a-moving, And where it stops the stars burn
free and wild. _Crede expertum_ -- I have seen them, child.
Gorton Swope
HEATHEN, n.A benighted creature who has the folly to
worshipsomething that he can see and feel.According to Professor
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Howison,of the California State University, Hebrews are heathens.
"The Hebrews are heathens!" says Howison.He's A Christian
philosopher.I'm A scurril agnostical chap, if you please, Addicted too
much to the crime Of religious discussion in my rhyme.
Though Hebrew and Howison cannot agree On a _modus vivendi_ -
not they! -- Yet Heaven has had the designing of me, And I haven't been
reared in a way To joy in the thick of the fray.
For this of my creed is the soul and the gist, And the truth of it I aver:
Who differs from me in his faith is an 'ist, And 'ite, an 'ie, or an 'er -- And
I'm down upon him or her!
Let Howison urge with perfunctory chin Toleration -- that's all very
well, But a roast is "nuts" to his nostril thin, And he's running -- I know by
the smell -- A secret and personal Hell!
Bissell Gip
HEAVEN, n.A place where the wicked cease from troubling you
withtalk of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attentionwhile
you expound your own.
HEBREW, n.A male Jew, as distinguished from the Shebrew,
analtogether superior creation.
HELPMATE, n.A wife, or bitter half.
"Now, why is yer wife called a helpmate, Pat?" Says the priest."Since
the time 'o yer wooin' She's niver [sic] assisted in what ye were at -- For
it's naught ye are ever doin'."
"That's true of yer Riverence [sic]," Patrick replies, And no sign of
contrition envices; "But, bedad, it's a fact which the word implies, For she
helps to mate the expinses [sic]!"
Marley Wottel
HEMP, n.A plant from whose fibrous bark is made an article
ofneckwear which is frequently put on after public speaking in the openair
and prevents the wearer from taking cold.
HERMIT, n.A person whose vices and follies are not sociable.
HERS, pron.His.
HIBERNATE, v.i.To pass the winter season in domestic seclusion.
There have been many singular popular notions about the hibernation
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ofvarious animals.Many believe that the bear hibernates during thewhole
winter and subsists by mechanically sucking its paws.It isadmitted that it
comes out of its retirement in the spring so leanthat it had to try twice
before it can cast a shadow.Three or fourcenturies ago, in England, no fact
was better attested than thatswallows passed the winter months in the mud
at the bottom of theirbrooks, clinging together in globular masses.They
have apparentlybeen compelled to give up the custom and account of the
foulness ofthe brooks.Sotus Ecobius discovered in Central Asia a whole
nationof people who hibernate.By some investigators, the fasting of Lentis
supposed to have been originally a modified form of hibernation, towhich
the Church gave a religious significance; but this view wasstrenuously
opposed by that eminent authority, Bishop Kip, who did notwish any
honors denied to the memory of the Founder of his family.
HIPPOGRIFF, n.An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and
halfgriffin.The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion andhalf
eagle.The hippogriff was actually, therefore, a one-quartereagle, which is
two dollars and fifty cents in gold.The study ofzoology is full of surprises.
HISTORIAN, n.A broad-gauge gossip.
HISTORY, n.An account mostly false, of events mostly
unimportant,which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers
mostlyfools.
Of Roman history, great Niebuhr's shown 'Tis nine-tenths lying.Faith, I
wish 'twere known, Ere we accept great Niebuhr as a guide, Wherein he
blundered and how much he lied.
Salder Bupp
HOG, n.A bird remarkable for the catholicity of its appetite
andserving to illustrate that of ours.Among the Mahometans and Jews,the
hog is not in favor as an article of diet, but is respected forthe delicacy and
the melody of its voice.It is chiefly as a songsterthat the fowl is esteemed;
the cage of him in full chorus has beenknown to draw tears from two
persons at once.The scientific name ofthis dicky-bird is _Porcus
Rockefelleri_.Mr. Rockefeller did notdiscover the hog, but it is considered
his by right of resemblance.
HOMOEOPATHIST, n.The humorist of the medical profession.
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HOMOEOPATHY, n.A school of medicine midway between Allopathy
andChristian Science.To the last both the others are distinctlyinferior, for
Christian Science will cure imaginary diseases, and theycan not.
HOMICIDE, n.The slaying of one human being by another.There
arefour kinds of homocide:felonious, excusable, justifiable,
andpraiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to the person
slainwhether he fell by one kind or another -- the classification is
foradvantage of the lawyers.
HOMILETICS, n.The science of adapting sermons to the
spiritualneeds, capacities and conditions of the congregation.
So skilled the parson was in homiletics That all his normal purges and
emetics To medicine the spirit were compounded With a most just
discrimination founded Upon a rigorous examination Of tongue and pulse
and heart and respiration. Then, having diagnosed each one's condition,
His scriptural specifics this physician Administered --his pills so
efficacious And pukes of disposition so vivacious That souls afflicted with
ten kinds of Adam Were convalescent ere they knew they had 'em. But
Slander's tongue --itself all coated --uttered Her bilious mind and
scandalously muttered That in the case of patients having money The pills
were sugar and the pukes were honey.
_Biography of Bishop Potter_
HONORABLE, adj.Afflicted with an impediment in one's
reach.Inlegislative bodies it is customary to mention all members
ashonorable; as, "the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur."
HOPE, n.Desire and expectation rolled into one.
Delicious Hope! when naught to man it left -- Of fortune destitute, of
friends bereft; When even his dog deserts him, and his goat With tranquil
disaffection chews his coat While yet it hangs upon his back; then thou,
The star far-flaming on thine angel brow, Descendest, radiant, from the
skies to hint The promise of a clerkship in the Mint.
Fogarty Weffing
HOSPITALITY, n.The virtue which induces us to feed and lodge
certainpersons who are not in need of food and lodging.
HOSTILITY, n.A peculiarly sharp and specially applied sense of
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theearth's overpopulation.Hostility is classified as active andpassive; as
(respectively) the feeling of a woman for her femalefriends, and that
which she entertains for all the rest of her sex.
HOURI, n.A comely female inhabiting the Mohammedan Paradise to
makethings cheery for the good Mussulman, whose belief in her
existencemarks a noble discontent with his earthly spouse, whom he
denies asoul.By that good lady the Houris are said to be held in
deficientesteem.
HOUSE, n.A hollow edifice erected for the habitation of man,
rat,mouse, beelte, cockroach, fly, mosquito, flea, bacillus and microbe.
_House of Correction_, a place of reward for political and personalservice,
and for the detention of offenders and appropriations. _House of God_, a
building with a steeple and a mortgage on it. _House-dog_, a pestilent
beast kept on domestic premises to insultpersons passing by and appal the
hardy visitor._House-maid_, ayoungerly person of the opposing sex
employed to be variouslydisagreeable and ingeniously unclean in the
station in which it haspleased God to place her.
HOUSELESS, adj.Having paid all taxes on household goods.
HOVEL, n.The fruit of a flower called the Palace.
Twaddle had a hovel, Twiddle had a palace; Twaddle said:"I'll grovel
Or he'll think I bear him malice" -- A sentiment as novel As a castor on a
