do in an emergency.When in doubtwhether to attack or retreat I never
hesitate a moment -- I toss us acopper." "Do you mean to say that's what
you did this time?" "Yes, General; but for Heaven's sake don't reprimand
me:Idisobeyed the coin."
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INDIFFERENT, adj.Imperfectly sensible to distinctions among things.
"You tiresome man!" cried Indolentio's wife, "You've grown
indifferent to all in life." "Indifferent?" he drawled with a slow smile; "I
would be, dear, but it is not worth while."
Apuleius M. Gokul
INDIGESTION, n.A disease which the patient and his
friendsfrequently mistake for deep religious conviction and concern for
thesalvation of mankind.As the simple Red Man of the western wild putit,
with, it must be confessed, a certain force:"Plenty well, nopray; big
bellyache, heap God."
INDISCRETION, n.The guilt of woman.
INEXPEDIENT, adj.Not calculated to advance one's interests.
INFANCY, n.The period of our lives when, according to
Wordsworth,"Heaven lies about us."The world begins lying about us
pretty soonafterward.
INFERIAE,n.[Latin]Among the Greeks and Romans, sacrifices
forpropitation of the _Dii Manes_, or souls of the dead heroes; for
thepious ancients could not invent enough gods to satisfy their
spiritualneeds, and had to have a number of makeshift deities, or, as a
sailormight say, jury-gods, which they made out of the most
unpromisingmaterials.It was while sacrificing a bullock to the spirit
ofAgamemnon that Laiaides, a priest of Aulis, was favored with
anaudience of that illustrious warrior's shade, who propheticallyrecounted
to him the birth of Christ and the triumph of Christianity,giving him also a
rapid but tolerably complete review of events downto the reign of Saint
Louis.The narrative ended abruptly at thepoint, owing to the inconsiderate
crowing of a cock, which compelledthe ghosted King of Men to scamper
back to Hades.There is a finemediaeval flavor to this story, and as it has
not been traced backfurther than Pere Brateille, a pious but obscure writer
at the courtof Saint Louis, we shall probably not err on the side of
presumptionin considering it apocryphal, though Monsignor Capel's
judgment of thematter might be different; and to that I bow -- wow.
INFIDEL, n.In New York, one who does not believe in the
Christianreligion; in Constantinople, one who does.(See GIAOUR.)A kind
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ofscoundrel imperfectly reverent of, and niggardly contributory to,divines,
ecclesiastics, popes, parsons, canons, monks, mollahs,voodoos, presbyters,
hierophants, prelates, obeah-men, abbes, nuns,missionaries, exhorters,
deacons, friars, hadjis, high-priests,muezzins, brahmins, medicine-men,
confessors, eminences, elders,primates, prebendaries, pilgrims, prophets,
imaums, beneficiaries,clerks, vicars-choral, archbishops, bishops, abbots,
priors,preachers, padres, abbotesses, caloyers, palmers, curates,
patriarchs,bonezs, santons, beadsmen, canonesses, residentiaries,
diocesans,deans, subdeans, rural deans, abdals, charm-sellers,
archdeacons,hierarchs, class-leaders, incumbents, capitulars, sheiks,
talapoins,postulants, scribes, gooroos, precentors, beadles, fakeers,
sextons,reverences, revivalists, cenobites, perpetual curates,
chaplains,mudjoes, readers, novices, vicars, pastors, rabbis, ulemas,
lamas,sacristans, vergers, dervises, lectors, church wardens,
cardinals,prioresses, suffragans, acolytes, rectors, cures, sophis, mutifs
andpumpums.
INFLUENCE, n.In politics, a visionary _quo_ given in exchange for
asubstantial _quid_.
INFALAPSARIAN, n.One who ventures to believe that Adam need
not havesinned unless he had a mind to --in opposition to
theSupralapsarians, who hold that that luckless person's fall was
decreedfrom the beginning.Infralapsarians are sometimes
calledSublapsarians without material effect upon the importance and
lucidityof their views about Adam.
Two theologues once, as they wended their way To chapel, engaged in
colloquial fray -- An earnest logomachy, bitter as gall, Concerning poor
Adam and what made him fall. "'Twas Predestination," cried one -- "for
the Lord Decreed he should fall of his own accord." "Not so -- 'twas Free
will," the other maintained, "Which led him to choose what the Lord had
ordained." So fierce and so fiery grew the debate That nothing but
bloodshed their dudgeon could sate; So off flew their cassocks and caps to
the ground And, moved by the spirit, their hands went round. Ere either
had proved his theology right By winning, or even beginning, the fight, A
gray old professor of Latin came by, A staff in his hand and a scowl in his
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eye, And learning the cause of their quarrel (for still As they clumsily
sparred they disputed with skill Of foreordination freedom of will)
Cried:"Sirrahs! this reasonless warfare compose: Atwixt ye's no difference
worthy of blows. The sects ye belong to -- I'm ready to swear Ye wrongly
interpret the names that they bear. _You_ -- Infralapsarian son of a clown!
-- Should only contend that Adam slipped down; While _you_ --you
Supralapsarian pup! -- Should nothing aver but that Adam slipped up. It's
all the same whether up or down You slip on a peel of banana brown. Even
Adam analyzed not his blunder, But thought he had slipped on a peal of
thunder!
INGRATE, n.One who receives a benefit from another, or is
otherwisean object of charity.
"All men are ingrates," sneered the cynic."Nay," The good
philanthropist replied; "I did great service to a man one day Who never
since has cursed me to repay, Nor vilified."
"Ho!" cried the cynic, "lead me to him straight -- With veneration I am
overcome, And fain would have his blessing.""Sad your fate -- He cannot
bless you, for AI grieve to state This man is dumb."Ariel Selp
INJURY, n.An offense next in degree of enormity to a slight.
INJUSTICE, n.A burden which of all those that we load upon
othersand carry ourselves is lightest in the hands and heaviest upon
theback.
INK, n.A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic
andwater, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and
promoteintellectual crime.The properties of ink are peculiar
andcontradictory:it may be used to make reputations and unmake them;
toblacken them and to make them white; but it is most generally
andacceptably employed as a mortar to bind together the stones of
anedifice of fame, and as a whitewash to conceal afterward the
rascalquality of the material.There are men called journalists who
haveestablished ink baths which some persons pay money to get into,
othersto get out of.Not infrequently it occurs that a person who has paidto
get in pays twice as much to get out.
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INNATE, adj.Natural, inherent -- as innate ideas, that is to say,ideas
that we are born with, having had them previously imparted tous.The
doctrine of innate ideas is one of the most admirable faithsof philosophy,
being itself an innate idea and therefore inaccessibleto disproof, though
Locke foolishly supposed himself to have given it"a black eye."Among
innate ideas may be mentioned the belief inone's ability to conduct a
newspaper, in the greatness of one'scountry, in the superiority of one's
civilization, in the importanceof one's personal affairs and in the
interesting nature of one'sdiseases.
IN'ARDS, n.The stomach, heart, soul and other bowels.Many
eminentinvestigators do not class the soul as an in'ard, but that
acuteobserver and renowned authority, Dr. Gunsaulus, is persuaded that
themysterious organ known as the spleen is nothing less than ourimportant
part.To the contrary, Professor Garrett P. Servis holdsthat man's soul is that
prolongation of his spinal marrow which formsthe pith of his no tail; and
for demonstration of his faith pointsconfidently to the fact that no tailed
animals have no souls. Concerning these two theories, it is best to suspend
judgment bybelieving both.
INSCRIPTION, n.Something written on another thing.Inscriptions
areof many kinds, but mostly memorial, intended to commemorate the
fameof some illustrious person and hand down to distant ages the record
ofhis services and virtues.To this class of inscriptions belongs thename of
John Smith, penciled on the Washington monument.Followingare
examples of memorial inscriptions on tombstones:(See EPITAPH.)
"In the sky my soul is found, And my body in the ground. By and by
my body'll rise To my spirit in the skies, Soaring up to Heaven's gate.
1878."
"Sacred to the memory of Jeremiah Tree.Cut down May 9th,
1862,aged 27 yrs. 4 mos. and 12 ds.Indigenous."
"Affliction sore long time she boar, Phisicians was in vain, Till Deth
released the dear deceased And left her a remain. Gone to join Ananias in
the regions of bliss."
"The clay that rests beneath this stone As Silas Wood was widely
known. Now, lying here, I ask what good It was to let me be S. Wood. O
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Man, let not ambition trouble you, Is the advice of Silas W."
"Richard Haymon, of Heaven.Fell to Earth Jan. 20, 1807, and hadthe
dust brushed off him Oct. 3, 1874."
INSECTIVORA, n.
"See," cries the chorus of admiring preachers, "How Providence
provides for all His creatures!" "His care," the gnat said, "even the insects
follows: For us He has provided wrens and swallows."
Sempen Railey
INSURANCE, n.An ingenious modern game of chance in which the
playeris permitted to enjoy the comfortable conviction that he is
beatingthe man who keeps the table.
INSURANCE AGENT:My dear sir, that is a fine house -- pray let
meinsure it. HOUSE OWNER:With pleasure.Please make the annual
premium solow that by the time when, according to the tables of
youractuary, it will probably be destroyed by fire I will havepaid you
considerably less than the face of the policy. INSURANCE AGENT:O
dear, no -- we could not afford to do that. We must fix the premium so that
you will have paid more. HOUSE OWNER:How, then, can _I_ afford
_that_? INSURANCE AGENT:Why, your house may burn down at any
time. There was Smith's house, for example, which --HOUSE
OWNER:Spare me -- there were Brown's house, on thecontrary, and
Jones's house, and Robinson's house, which --INSURANCE
AGENT:Spare _me_! HOUSE OWNER:Let us understand each other.You
want me to payyou money on the supposition that something will
occurpreviously to the time set by yourself for its occurrence.Inother
words, you expect me to bet that my house will not lastso long as you say
that it will probably last. INSURANCE AGENT:But if your house burns
without insurance itwill be a total loss. HOUSE OWNER:Beg your pardon
-- by your own actuary's tables Ishall probably have saved, when it burns,
all the premiums Iwould otherwise have paid to you -- amounting to more
than theface of the policy they would have bought.But suppose it toburn,
uninsured, before the time upon which your figures arebased.If I could not
afford that, how could you if it wereinsured? INSURANCE AGENT:O,
we should make ourselves whole from ourluckier ventures with other
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clients.Virtually, they pay yourloss. HOUSE OWNER:And virtually, then,
don't I help to pay theirlosses?Are not their houses as likely as mine to
burn beforethey have paid you as much as you must pay them?The
casestands this way:you expect to take more money from yourclients than
you pay to them, do you not? INSURANCE AGENT:Certainly; if we did
not -- HOUSE OWNER:I would not trust you with my money.Very
wellthen.If it is _certain_, with reference to the whole body ofyour clients,
that they lose money on you it is _probable_,with reference to any one of
them, that _he_ will.It isthese individual probabilities that make the
aggregatecertainty. INSURANCE AGENT:I will not deny it -- but look at
the figures inthis pamph --HOUSE OWNER:Heaven forbid!
INSURANCE AGENT:You spoke of saving the premiums which you
wouldotherwise pay to me.Will you not be more likely to
squanderthem?We offer you an incentive to thrift. HOUSE OWNER:The
willingness of A to take care of B's money isnot peculiar to insurance, but
as a charitable institution youcommand esteem.Deign to accept its
expression from aDeserving Object.
INSURRECTION, n.An unsuccessful revolution.Disaffection's
failureto substitute misrule for bad government.
INTENTION, n.The mind's sense of the prevalence of one set
ofinfluences over another set; an effect whose cause is the
imminence,immediate or remote, of the performance of an involuntary act.
INTERPRETER, n.One who enables two persons of different
languages tounderstand each other by repeating to each what it would
have been tothe interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.
INTERREGNUM, n.The period during which a monarchical country
isgoverned by a warm spot on the cushion of the throne.The experimentof
letting the spot grow cold has commonly been attended by mostunhappy
results from the zeal of many worthy persons to make it warmagain.
INTIMACY, n.A relation into which fools are providentially drawn
fortheir mutual destruction.
Two Seidlitz powders, one in blue And one in white, together drew
And having each a pleasant sense Of t'other powder's excellence, Forsook
their jackets for the snug Enjoyment of a common mug. So close their
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intimacy grew One paper would have held the two. To confidences
straight they fell, Less anxious each to hear than tell; Then each
remorsefully confessed To all the virtues he possessed, Acknowledging he
had them in So high degree it was a sin. The more they said, the more they
felt Their spirits with emotion melt, Till tears of sentiment expressed Their
feelings.Then they effervesced! So Nature executes her feats Of wrath on
friends and sympathetes The good old rule who don't apply, That you are
you and I am I.
INTRODUCTION, n.A social ceremony invented by the devil for
thegratification of his servants and the plaguing of his
enemies.Theintroduction attains its most malevolent development in this
century,being, indeed, closely related to our political
system.EveryAmerican being the equal of every other American, it
follows thateverybody has the right to know everybody else, which
implies theright to introduce without request or permission.The
Declaration ofIndependence should have read thus:
"We hold these truths to be self-evident:that all men arecreated equal;
that they are endowed by their Creator with certaininalienable rights; that
among these are life, and the right tomake that of another miserable by
thrusting upon him anincalculable quantity of acquaintances; liberty,
particularly theliberty to introduce persons to one another without
firstascertaining if they are not already acquainted as enemies; andthe
pursuit of another's happiness with a running pack ofstrangers."
INVENTOR, n.A person who makes an ingenious arrangement of
wheels,levers and springs, and believes it civilization.
IRRELIGION, n.The principal one of the great faiths of the world.
ITCH, n.The patriotism of a Scotchman.
J
J is a consonant in English, but some nations use it as a vowel --than
which nothing could be more absurd.Its original form, which hasbeen but
slightly modified, was that of the tail of a subdued dog, andit was not a
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letter but a character, standing for a Latin verb,_jacere_, "to throw,"
because when a stone is thrown at a dog thedog's tail assumes that
shape.This is the origin of the letter, asexpounded by the renowned Dr.
Jocolpus Bumer, of the University ofBelgrade, who established his
conclusions on the subject in a work ofthree quarto volumes and
committed suicide on being reminded that thej in the Roman alphabet had
originally no curl.
JEALOUS, adj.Unduly concerned about the preservation of that
whichcan be lost only if not worth keeping.
JESTER, n.An officer formerly attached to a king's household,
whosebusiness it was to amuse the court by ludicrous actions
andutterances, the absurdity being attested by his motley costume.Theking
himself being attired with dignity, it took the world somecenturies to
discover that his own conduct and decrees weresufficiently ridiculous for
the amusement not only of his court but ofall mankind.The jester was
commonly called a fool, but the poets andromancers have ever delighted
to represent him as a singularly wiseand witty person.In the circus of today the melancholy ghost of thecourt fool effects the dejection of humbler
audiences with the samejests wherewith in life he gloomed the marble hall,
panged thepatrician sense of humor and tapped the tank of royal tears.
The widow-queen of Portugal Had an audacious jester Who entered
the confessional Disguised, and there confessed her.
"Father," she said, "thine ear bend down -- My sins are more than
scarlet: I love my fool -- blaspheming clown, And common, base-born
varlet."
"Daughter," the mimic priest replied, "That sin, indeed, is awful: The
church's pardon is denied To love that is unlawful. "But since thy stubborn
heart will be For him forever pleading, Thou'dst better make him, by
decree, A man of birth and breeding."
She made the fool a duke, in hope With Heaven's taboo to palter; Then
told a priest, who told the Pope, Who damned her from the altar!
Barel Dort
JEWS-HARP, n.An unmusical instrument, played by holding it fast
withthe teeth and trying to brush it away with the finger.
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JOSS-STICKS, n.Small sticks burned by the Chinese in their
pagantomfoolery, in imitation of certain sacred rites of our holy religion.
JUSTICE, n.A commodity which is a more or less adulterated
conditionthe State sells to the citizen as a reward for his allegiance,
taxesand personal service.
K
