demmed misunderstandings!
[LADY AGATHA and MR. HOPPER cross and exit on terrace L.U.E.]
PARKER. Mr. Cecil Graham!
[Enter MR. CECIL GRAHAM.]
CECIL GRAHAM. [Bows to LADY WINDERMERE, passes over and shakes
hands with LORD WINDERMERE.] Good evening, Arthur. Why don't you
ask me how I am? I like people to ask me how I am. It shows a
wide-spread interest in my health. Now, to-night I am not at all
well. Been dining with my people. Wonder why it is one's people
are always so tedious? My father would talk morality after dinner.
I told him he was old enough to know better. But my experience is
that as soon as people are old enough to know better, they don't
know anything at all. Hallo, Tuppy! Hear you're going to be
married again; thought you were tired of that game.
LORD AUGUSTUS. You're excessively trivial, my dear boy,
excessively trivial!
CECIL GRAHAM. By the way, Tuppy, which is it? Have you been twice
married and once divorced, or twice divorced and once married? I
say you've been twice divorced and once married. It seems so much
more probable.
LORD AUGUSTUS. I have a very bad memory. I really don't remember
which. [Moves away R.]
LADY PLYMDALE. Lord Windermere, I've something most particular to
ask you.
LORD WINDERMERE. I am afraid - if you will excuse me - I must join
my wife.
LADY PLYMDALE. Oh, you mustn't dream of such a thing. It's most
dangerous nowadays for a husband to pay any attention to his wife
in public. It always makes people think that he beats her when
they're alone. The world has grown so suspicious of anything that
looks like a happy married life. But I'll tell you what it is at
supper. [Moves towards door of ball-room.]
LORD WINDERMERE. [C.] Margaret! I MUST speak to you.
LADY WINDERMERE. Will you hold my fan for me, Lord Darlington?
Thanks. [Comes down to him.]
LORD WINDERMERE. [Crossing to her.] Margaret, what you said
before dinner was, of course, impossible?
LADY WINDERMERE. That woman is not coming here to-night!
LORD WINDERMERE. [R.C.] Mrs. Erlynne is coming here, and if you
in any way annoy or wound her, you will bring shame and sorrow on
us both. Remember that! Ah, Margaret! only trust me! A wife
should trust her husband!
LADY WINDERMERE. [C.] London is full of women who trust their
husbands. One can always recognise them. They look so thoroughly
unhappy. I am not going to be one of them. [Moves up.] Lord
Darlington, will you give me back my fan, please? Thanks. . . . A
useful thing a fan, isn't it? . . . I want a friend to-night, Lord
Darlington: I didn't know I would want one so soon.
LORD DARLINGTON. Lady Windermere! I knew the time would come some
day; but why to-night?
LORD WINDERMERE. I WILL tell her. I must. It would be terrible
if there were any scene. Margaret . . .
PARKER. Mrs. Erlynne!
[LORD WINDERMERE starts. MRS. ERLYNNE enters, very beautifully
dressed and very dignified. LADY WINDERMERE clutches at her fan,
then lets it drop on the door. She bows coldly to MRS. ERLYNNE,
who bows to her sweetly in turn, and sails into the room.]
LORD DARLINGTON. You have dropped your fan, Lady Windermere.
[Picks it up and hands it to her.]
MRS. ERLYNNE. [C.] How do you do, again, Lord Windermere? How
charming your sweet wife looks! Quite a picture!
LORD WINDERMERE. [In a low voice.] It was terribly rash of you to
come!
MRS. ERLYNNE. [Smiling.] The wisest thing I ever did in my life.
And, by the way, you must pay me a good deal of attention this
evening. I am afraid of the women. You must introduce me to some
of them. The men I can always manage. How do you do, Lord
Augustus? You have quite neglected me lately. I have not seen you
since yesterday. I am afraid you're faithless. Every one told me
so.
LORD AUGUSTUS. [R.] Now really, Mrs. Erlynne, allow me to
explain.
MRS. ERLYNNE. [R.C.] No, dear Lord Augustus, you can't explain
anything. It is your chief charm.
LORD AUGUSTUS. Ah! if you find charms in me, Mrs. Erlynne -
[They converse together. LORD WINDERMERE moves uneasily about the
room watching MRS. ERLYNNE.]
LORD DARLINGTON. [To LADY WINDERMERE.] How pale you are!
LADY WINDERMERE. Cowards are always pale!
LORD DARLINGTON. You look faint. Come out on the terrace.
LADY WINDERMERE. Yes. [To PARKER.] Parker, send my cloak out.
MRS. ERLYNNE. [Crossing to her.] Lady Windermere, how beautifully
your terrace is illuminated. Reminds me of Prince Doria's at Rome.
[LADY WINDERMERE bows coldly, and goes off with LORD DARLINGTON.]
Oh, how do you do, Mr. Graham? Isn't that your aunt, Lady
Jedburgh? I should so much like to know her.
CECIL GRAHAM. [After a moment's hesitation and embarrassment.]
Oh, certainly, if you wish it. Aunt Caroline, allow me to
introduce Mrs. Erlynne.
MRS. ERLYNNE. So pleased to meet you, Lady Jedburgh. [Sits beside
her on the sofa.] Your nephew and I are great friends. I am so
much interested in his political career. I think he's sure to be a
wonderful success. He thinks like a Tory, and talks like a
Radical, and that's so important nowadays. He's such a brilliant
talker, too. But we all know from whom he inherits that. Lord
Allandale was saying to me only yesterday, in the Park, that Mr.
Graham talks almost as well as his aunt.
LADY JEDBURGH. [R.] Most kind of you to say these charming things
to me! [MRS. ERLYNNE smiles, and continues conversation.]
DUMBY. [To CECIL GRAHAM.] Did you introduce Mrs. Erlynne to Lady
Jedburgh?
CECIL GRAHAM. Had to, my dear fellow. Couldn't help it! That
woman can make one do anything she wants. How, I don't know.
DUMBY. Hope to goodness she won't speak to me! [Saunters towards
LADY PLYMDALE.]
MRS. ERLYNNE. [C. To LADY JEDBURGH.] On Thursday? With great
pleasure. [Rises, and speaks to LORD WINDERMERE, laughing.] What
a bore it is to have to be civil to these old dowagers! But they
always insist on it!
LADY PLYMDALE. [To MR. DUMBY.] Who is that well-dressed woman
talking to Windermere?
DUMBY. Haven't got the slightest idea! Looks like an EDITION DE
LUXE of a wicked French novel, meant specially for the English
market.
MRS. ERLYNNE. So that is poor Dumby with Lady Plymdale? I hear
she is frightfully jealous of him. He doesn't seem anxious to
speak to me to-night. I suppose he is afraid of her. Those straw-
coloured women have dreadful tempers. Do you know, I think I'll
dance with you first, Windermere. [LORD WINDERMERE bits his lip
and frowns.] It will make Lord Augustus so jealous! Lord
Augustus! [LORD AUGUSTUS comes down.] Lord Windermere insists on
my dancing with him first, and, as it's his own house, I can't well
refuse. You know I would much sooner dance with you.
LORD AUGUSTUS. [With a low bow.] I wish I could think so, Mrs.
Erlynne.
MRS ERLYNNE. You know it far too well. I can fancy a person
dancing through life with you and finding it charming.
LORD AUGUSTUS. [Placing his hand on his white waistcoat.] Oh,
thank you, thank you. You are the most adorable of all ladies!
MRS. ERLYNNE. What a nice speech! So simple and so sincere! Just
the sort of speech I like. Well, you shall hold my bouquet. [Goes
towards ball-room on LORD WINDERMERE'S arm.] Ah, Mr. Dumby, how
are you? I am so sorry I have been out the last three times you
have called. Come and lunch on Friday.
DUMBY. [With perfect nonchalance.] Delighted!
[LADY PLYMDALE glares with indignation at MR. DUMBY. LORD AUGUSTUS
follows MRS. ERLYNNE and LORD WINDERMERE into the ball-room holding
bouquet]
LADY PLYMDALE. [To MR. DUMBY.] What an absolute brute you are! I
never can believe a word you say! Why did you tell me you didn't
know her? What do you mean by calling on her three times running?
You are not to go to lunch there; of course you understand that?
DUMBY. My dear Laura, I wouldn't dream of going!
LADY PLYMDALE. You haven't told me her name yet! Who is she?
DUMBY. [Coughs slightly and smooths his hair.] She's a Mrs.
