today ； and I am amazed to see how deliberately I have entangled myself
step by step. To have seen my position so clearly ， and yet to have acted
so like a child ！ Even still I behold the result plainly ， and yet have
no thought of acting with greater prudence.
AUGUST lO. If I were not a fool ， I could spend the happiest and
most delightful life here. So many agreeable circumstances， and of a
kind to ensure a worthy man's happiness ， are seldom united. Alas！ I
feel it too sensibly，—— the heart alone makes our happiness！ To be
admitted into this most charming family ， to be loved by the father as
a son ， by the children as a father， and by Charlotte ！ then the noble
Albert， who never disturbs my happiness by any appearance of ill-humour，
receiving me with the heartiest affection ， and loving me， next to Charlotte，
better than all the world ！ Wilhelm， you would be delighted to hear
us in our rambles ， and conversations about Charlotte. Nothing in the
world can be more absurd than our connection， and yet the thought of
it often moves me to tears.
He tells me sometimes of her excellent mother ； how， upon her death-bed，
she had committed her house and children to Charlotte ， and had given
Charlotte herself in charge to him； how， since that time， a new spirit
had taken possession of her ； how， in care and anxiety for their welfare，
she became a real mother to them； how every moment of her time was devoted
to some labour of love in their behalf，—— and yet her mirth and cheerfulness
had never forsaken her. I walk by his side， pluck flowers by the way ，
arrange them carefully into a nosegay ， then fling them into the first
stream I pass ， and watch them as they float gently away. I forget whether
I told you that Albert is to remain here. He has received a government
appointment ， with a very good salary； and I understand he is in high
favour at court. I have met few persons so punctual and methodical in
business.
AUGUST 12. Certainly Albert is the best fellow in the world. I had
a strange scene with him yesterday. I went to take leave of him ； for
I took it into my head to spend a few days in these mountains ， from
where I now write to you. As I was walking up and down his room ， my
eye fell upon his pistols. "Lend me those pistols ，" said I， "for my
journey." "By all means ，" he replied， "if you will take the trouble
to load them； for they only hang there for form." I took down one of
them； and he continued ， "Ever since I was near suffering for my extreme
caution ， I will have nothing to do with such things." I was curious
to hear the story. "I was staying ，" said he ， "some three months ago，
at a friend's house in the country. I had a brace of pistols with me，
unloaded； and I slept without any anxiety. One rainy afternoon I was
sitting by myself ， doing nothing， when it occurred to me I do not know
how that the house might be attacked， that we might require the pistols，
that we might in short， you know how we go on fancying ， when we have
nothing better to do. I gave the pistols to the servant ， to clean and
load. He was playing with the maid， and trying to frighten her ， when
the pistol went off —— God knows how！—— the ramrod was in the barrel
； and it went straight through her right hand， and shattered the thumb.
I had to endure all the lamentation ， and to pay the surgeon's bill；
so， since that time， I have kept all my weapons unloaded. But ， my
dear friend ， what is the use of prudence？ We can never be on our guard
against all possible dangers. However ，" —— now， you must know I can
tolerate all men till they come to "however ；" —— for it is self-evident
that every universal rule must have its exceptions. But he is so exceedingly
accurate， that ， if he only fancies he has said a word too precipitate，
or too general， or only half true， he never ceases to qualify ， to
modify， and extenuate， till at last he appears to have said nothing
at all. Upon this occasion， Albert was deeply immersed in his subject
： I ceased to listen to him， and became lost in reverie. With a sudden
motion， I pointed the mouth of the pistol to my forehead ， over the
right eye. "What do vou mean？" cried Albert， turning back the pistol.
"It is not loaded ，" said I. "And even if not，" he answered with impatience，
"what can you mean？ I cannot cornprehend how a man can be so mad as to
shoot himself ， and the bare idea of it shocks me."
"But why should any one ，" said I， "in speaking of an action， venture
to pronounce it mad or wise ， or good or bad ？ What is the meaning of
all this？ Have you carefully studied the secret motives of our actions？
Do you understand —— can you explain the causes which occasion them ，
and make them inevitable？ If you can ， you will be less hasty with your
decision."
"But you will allow ，" said Albert ； "that some actions are criminal，
let them spring from whatever motives they may." I granted it ， and shrugged
my shoulders.
"But still， my good friend ，" I continued ， "there are some exceptions
here too. Theft is a crime； but the man who commits it from extreme poverty，
with no design but to save his family from perishing， is he an object
of pity ， or of punishment ？ Who shall throw the first stone at a husband，
who ， in the heat of just resentment ， sacrifices his faithless wife
and her perfidious seducer？ or at the young maiden ， who， in her weak
hour of rapture ， forgets herself in the impetuous joys of love？ Even
our laws， cold and cruel as they are ， relent in such cases ， and withhold
their punishment."
"That is quite another thing，" said Albert ； "because a man under
the influence of violent passion loses alI power of reflection， and is
regarded as intoxicated or insane."
"Oh ！ you people of sound understandings ，" I replied ， smiling，
"are ever ready to exclaim 'Extravagance， and madness， and intoxication！
' You moral men are so calm and so subdued！ You abhor the drunken man，
and detest the extravagant； you pass by， like the Levite， and thank
God ， like the Pharisee， that you are not like one of them. I have been
more than once intoxicated， my passions have always bordered on extravagance
： I am not ashamed to confess it ； for I have learned ， by my own experience，
that all extraordinary men， who have accomplished great and astonishing
actions ， have ever been decried by the world as drunken or insane. And
in private life ， too， is it not intolerable that no one can undertake
the execution of a noble or generous deed ， without giving rise to the
exclamation that the doer is intoxicated or mad ？ Shame upon you ， ye
sages ！"
"This is another of your extravagant humours，" said Albert ： "you
always exaggerate a case， and in this matter you are undoubtedly wrong
； for we were speaking of suicide， which you compare with great actions，
when it is impossible to regard it as anything but a weakness. It is much
easier to die than to bear a life of misery with fortitude."
I was on the point of breaking off the conversation ， for nothing
puts me so completely out of patience as the utterance of a wretched commonplace
when I am talking from my inmost heart. However ， I composed myself，
for I had often heard the same observation with sufficient vexation ；
and I answered him， therefore， with a little warmth ， "You call this
a weakness—— beware of being led astray by appearances. When a nation，
which has long groaned under the intolerable yoke of a tyrant ， rises
at last and throws off its chains ， do you call that weakness？ The man
who ， to rescue his house from the flames， finds his physical strength
redoubled ， so that he lifts burdens with ease ， which， in the absence
of excitement ， he could scarcely move ； he who ， under the rage of
an insult ， attacks and puts to flight half a score of his enemies ，
are such persons to be called weak？ My good friend ， if resistance be
strength， how can the highest degree of resistance be a weakness ？"
Albert looked steadfastly at me ， and said ， "Pray forgive me ，
but I do not see that the examples you have adduced bear any relation
to the question." "Very likely，" I answered； "for I have often been
told that my style of illustration borders a little on the absurd. But
let us see if we cannot place the matter in another point of view ， by
inquiring what can be a man's state of mind who resolves to free himself
from the burden of life ，—— a burden often so pleasant to bear ，—
— for we cannot otherwise reason fairly upon the subject.
"Human nature ，" I continued ， "has its limits. It is able to endure
a certain degree of joy ， sorrow ， and pain ， but becomes annihilated
as soon as this measure is exceeded. The question ， therefore， is ，
not whether a man is strong or weak ， but whether he is able to endure
the measure of his sufferings. The suffering may be moral or physical
； and in my opinion it is just as absurd to call a man a coward who destroys
himself ， as to call a man a coward who dies of a malignant fever."
"Paradox， all paradox！" exclaimed Albert. "Not so paradoxical as
you imagine ，" I replied. "You allow that we designate a disease as mortal
when nature is so severely attacked ， and her strength so far exhausted，
that she cannot possibly recover her former condition under any change
that may take place.
"Now， my good friend ， apply this to the mind ； observe a man in
his natural ， isolated condition ； consider how ideas work， and how
impressions fasten on him ， till at length a violent passion seizes him，
destroying all his powers of calm reflection， and utterly ruining him.
"It is in vain that a man of sound mind and cool temper understands
the condition of such a wretched being， in vain he counsels him. He can
no more communicate his own wisdom to him than a healthy man can instil
his strength into the invalid ， by whose bedside he is seated."
Albert thought this too general. I reminded him of a girl who had
drowned herself a short time previously ， and I related her history.
She was a good creature ， who had grown up in the narrow sphere of
household industry and weekly appointed labour； one who knew no pleasure
beyond indulging in a walk on Sundays ， arrayed in her best attire ，
accompanied by her friends， or perhaps joining in the dance now and then
at some festival， and chatting away her spare hours with a neighbour ，
discussing the scandal or the quarrels of the village ， trifles sufficient
to occupy her heart. At length the warmth of her nature is influenced
by certain new and unknown wishes. Inflamed by the flatteries of men，
her former pleasures become by degrees insipid， till at length she meets
with a youth to whom she is attracted by an indescribable feeling ； upon
him she now rests all her hopes ； she forgets the world around her ；
she sees， hears， desires nothing but him， and him only. He alone occupies
all her thoughts. Uncorrupted by the idle indulgence of an enervating
vanity， her affection moving steadily toward its object， she hopes to
become his， and to realise ， in an everlasting union with him ， all
that happiness which she sought ， all that bliss for which she longed.
His repeated promises confirm her hopes ： embraces and endearments ，
which increase the ardour of her desires， overmaster her soul. She floats
in a dim， delusive anticipation of her happiness ； and her feelings
become excited to their utmost tension. She stretches out her arms finally
to embrace the object of all her wishes and her lover forsakes her. Stunned
and bewildered， she stands upon a precipice. All is darkness around her.
No prospect ， no hope， no consolation —— forsaken by him in whom her
existence was centred ！ She sees nothing of the wide world before her，
thinks nothing of the many individuals who might supply the void in her
heart ； she feels herself deserted ， forsaken by the world； and， blinded
and impelled by the agony which wrings her soul ， she plunges into the
deep， to end her sufferings in the broad embrace of death. See here，
Albert， the history of thousands ； and tell me， is not this a case
of physical infirmity ？ Nature has no way to escape from the labyrinth
： her powers are exhausted ： she can contend no longer， and the poor
soul must die.
"Shame upon him who can look on calmly， and exclaim， 'The foolish
girl！ she should have waited ； she should have allowed time to wear
off the impression； her despair would have been softened ， and she would
have found another lover to comfort her.' One might as well say ， 'The
fool， to die of a fever！ why did he not wait till his strength was restored，
till his blood became calm？ all would then have gone well， and he would
have been alive now.'"
Albert， who could not see the justice of the comparison， offered
some further objections ， and， amongst others ， urged that I had taken
the case of a mere ignorant girl. But how any man of sense， of more enlarged
views and experience， could be excused ， he was unable to comprehend.
"My friend！" I exclaimed ， "man is but man； and， whatever be the extent
of his reasoning powers ， they are of little avail when passion rages
within， and he feels himself confined by the narrow limits of nature.
It were better， then —— but we will talk of this some other time ，
" I said， and caught up my hat. Alas ！ my heart was full； and we parted
without conviction on either side. How rarely in this world do men understand
each other！
AUGUST 15. There can be no doubt that in this world nothing is so
indispensable as love. I observe that Charlotte could not lose me without
a pang， and the very children have but one wish； that is， that I should
visit them again to-morrow. I went this afternoon to tune Charlotte's
piano. But I could not do it， for the little ones insisted on my telling
them a story； and Charlotte herself urged me to satisfy them. I waited
upon them at tea， and they are now as fully contented with me as with
Charlotte ； and I told them my very best tale of the princess who was
waited upon by dwarfs. I improve myself by this exercise， and am quite
surprised at the impression my stories create. If I sometimes invent an
incident which I forget upon the next narration ， they remind one directly
that the story was different before ； so that I now endeavour to relate
with exactness the same anecdote in the same monotonous tone， which never
changes. I find by this ， how much an author injures his works by altering
them， even though they be improved in a poetical point of view. The first
impression is readily received. We are so constituted that we believe
the most incredible things； and， once they are engraved upon the memory，
woe to him who would endeavour to efface them.
AUGUST 18. Must it ever be thus ，—— that the source of our happiness
must also be the fountain of our misery ？ The full and ardent sentiment
which animated my heart with the love of nature ， overwhelming me with
a torrent of delight， and which brought all paradise before me ， has
now become an insupportable torment ， a demon which perpetually pursues
and harasses me. When in bygone days I gazed from these rocks upon yonder
mountains across the river， and upon the green ， flowery valley before
me， and saw alI nature budding and bursting around ； the hills clothed
from foot to peak with tall ， thick forest trees ； the valleys in all
their varied windings ， shaded with the loveliest woods； and the soft
river gliding along amongst the lisping reeds ， mirroring the beautiful
clouds which the soft evening breeze wafted across the sky，—— when
I heard the groves about me melodious with the music of birds ， and saw
the million swarms of insects dancing in the last golden beams of the
sun ， whose setting rays awoke the humming beetles from their grassy
beds， whilst the subdued tumult around directed my attention to the ground，
and I there observed the arid rock compelled to yield nutriment to the
dry moss， whilst the heath flourished upon the barren sands below me ，
all this displayed to me the inner warmth which animates all nature ，
and filled and glowed within my heart. I felt myself exalted by this overflowing
fulness to the perception of the Godhead， and the glorious forms of an
infinite universe became visible to my soul ！ Stupendous mountains encompassed
me， abysses yawned at my feet， and cataracts fell headlong down before
me； impetuous rivers rolled through the plain， and rocks and mountains
resounded from afar. In the depths of the earth I saw innumerable powers
in motion ， and multiplying to infinity； whilst upon its surface， and
beneath the heavens ， there teemed ten thousand varieties of living creatures.
Everything around is alive with an infinite number of forms ； while mankind
fly for security to their petty houses， from the shelter of which they
rule in their imaginations over the wide-extended universe. Poor fool ！
in whose petty estimation all things are little. From the inaccessible
mountains ， across the desert which no mortal foot has trod， far as
the confines of the unknown ocean ， breathes the spirit of the eternal
Creator ； and every atom to which he has given existence finds favour
in his sight. Ah， how often at that time has the flight of a bird， soaring
above my head ， inspired me with the desire of being transported to the
shores of the immeasurable waters ， there to quaff the pleasures of life
from the foaming goblet of the Infinite ， and to partake ， if but for
a moment even ， with the confined powers of my soul， the beatitude of
that Creator who accomplishes all things in himself ， and through himself！
My dear friend， the bare recollection of those hours still consoles
me. Even this effort to recall those ineffable sensations ， and give
them utterance， exalts my soul above itself， and makes me doubly feel
the intensity of my present anguish.
It is as if a curtain had been drawn from before my eyes， and， instead
of prospects of eternal life， the abyss of an ever open grave yawned
before me. Can we say of anything that it exists when all passes away ，
when time ， with the speed of a storm， carries all things onward，—
— and our transitory existence ， hurried along by the torrent ， is
either swallowed up by the waves or dashed against the rocks？ There is
not a moment but preys upon you ，—— and upon all around you， not a
moment in which you do not yourself become a destroyer. The most innocent
walk deprives of life thousands of poor insects ： one step destroys the
fabric of the industrious ant ， and converts a little world into chaos.
No： it is not the great and rare calamities of the world ， the floods
which sweep away whole villages ， the earthquakes which swallow up our
towns ， that affect me. My heart is wasted by the thought of that destructive
power which lies concealed in every part of universal nature. Nature has
formed nothing that does not consume itself ， and every object near it
： so that， surrounded by earth and air， and all the active powers，
I wander on my way with aching heart； and the universe is to me a fearful
monster ， for ever devouring its own offspring.
AUGUST 21. In vain do I stretch out my arms toward her when I awaken
in the morning from my weary slumbers. In vain do I seek for her at night
in my bed ， when some innocent dream has happily deceived me ， and placed
her near me in the fields ， when I have seized her hand and covered it
with countless kisses. And when I feel for her in the half confusion of
sleep ， with the happy sense that she is near， tears flow from my oppressed
heart ； and， bereft of all comfort， I weep over my future woes.
AUGUST 22. What a misfortune， Wilhelm！ My active spirits have degenerated
into contented indolence. I cannot be idle， and yet I am unable to set
to work. I cannot think ： I have no longer any feeling for the beauties
of nature ， and books are distasteful to me. Once we give ourselves up，
we are totally lost. Many a time and oft I wish I were a common labourer
； that ， awakening in the morning ， I might have but one prospect，
one pursuit ， one hope ， for the day which has dawned. I often envy
Albert when I see him buried in a heap of papers and parchments ， and
I fancy I should be happy were I in his place. Often impressed with this
feeling I have been on the point of writing to you and to the minister，
for the appointment at the embassy， which you think I might obtain. I
believe I might procure it. The minister has long shown a regard for me，
and has frequently urged me to seek employment. It is the business of
an hour only. Now and then the fable of the horse recurs to me. Weary
of liberty， he suffered himself to be saddled and bridled， and was ridden
to death for his pains. I know not what to determine upon. For is not
this anxiety for change the consequence of that restless spirit which
would pursue me equally in every situation of life？
AUGUST 28. If my ills would admit of any cure ， they would certainly
be cured here. This is my birthday， and early in the morning I received
a packet from Albert. Upon opening it ， I found one of the pink ribbons
which Charlotte wore in her dress the first time I saw her， and which
I had several times asked her to give me. With it were two volumes in
duodecimo of Wetstein's "Homer，" a book I had often wished for ， to
save me the inconvenience of carrying the large Ernestine edition with
me upon my walks. You see how they anticipate my wishes ， how well they
understand all those little attentions of friendship， so superior to
the costly presents of the great， which are humiliating. I kissed the
ribbon a thousand times ， and in every breath inhaled the remembrance
of those happy and irrevocable days which filled me with the keenest joy.
Such， Wilhelm， is our fate. I do not murmur at it ： the flowers of
life are but visionary. How many pass away， and leave no trace behind
—— how few yield any fruit—— and the fruit itself ， how rarely does
it ripen！ And yet there are flowers enough ！ and is it not strange，
my friend ， that we should suffer the little that does really ripen，
to rot， decay， and perish unenjoyed ？ Farewell ！ This is a glorious
summer. I often climb into the trees in Charlotte's orchard ， and shake
down the pears that hang on the highest branches. She stands below， and
catches them as they fall.
AUGUST 3O. Unhappy being that I am！ Why do I thus deceive myself ？
What is to come of all this wild， aimless， endless passion？ I cannot
pray except to her. My imagination sees nothing but her ： all surrounding
objects are of no account ， except as they relate to her. In this dreamy
state I enjoy many happy hours， till at length I feel compelled to tear
myself away from her. Ah， Wilhelm， to what does not my heart often compel
me！ When I have spent several hours in her company ， till I feel completely
absorbed by her figure， her grace， the divine expression of her thoughts，
my mind becomes gradually excited to the highest excess ， my sight grows
dim ， my hearing confused， my breathing oppressed as if by the hand
of a murderer ， and my beating heart seeks to obtain relief for my aching
senses. I am sometimes unconscious whether I really exist. If in such
moments I find no sympathy， and Charlotte does not allow me to enjoy
the melancholy consolation of bathing her hand with my tears， I feel
compelled to tear myself from her ， when I either wander through the
country ， climb some precipitous cliff ， or force a path through the
trackless thicket ， where I am lacerated and torn by thorns and briers
； and thence I find relief. Sometimes I lie stretched on the ground，
overcome with fatigue and dying with thirst ； sometimes， late in the
night ， when the moon shines above me， I recline against an aged tree
in some sequestered forest， to rest my weary limbs ， when ， exhausted
and worn， I sleep till break of day. O Wilhelm ！ the hermit's cell，
his sackcloth ， and girdle of thorns would be luxury and indulgence compared
with what I suffer. Adieu ！ I see no end to this wretchedness except
the grave.
SEPTEMBER 3. I must away. Thank you ， Wilhelm， for determining my
wavering purpose. For a whole fortnight I have thought of leaving her.
I must away. She has returned to town ， and is at the house of a friend.
And then， Albert —— yes， I must go.
SEPTEMBER 1O. Oh， what a night ， Wilhelm！ I can henceforth bear
anything. I shall never see her again. Oh ， why cannot I fall on your
neck， and， with floods of tears and raptures， give utterance to all
the passions which distract my heart！ Here I sit gasping for breath，
and struggling to compose myself. I wait for day， and at sunrise the
horses are to be at the door.
And she is sleeping calmly， little suspecting that she has seen me
for the last time. I am free. I have had the courage， in an interview
of two hours' duration， not to betray my intention. And O Wilhelm， what
a conversation it was ！
Albert had promised to come to Charlotte in the garden immediately
after supper. I was upon the terrace under the tall chestnut trees， and
watched the setting sun. I saw him sink for the last time beneath this
delightful valley and silent stream. I had often visited the same spot
with Charlotte， and witnessed that glorious sight； and now—— I was
walking up and down the very avenue which was so dear to me. A secret
sympathy had frequently drawn me thither before I knew Charlotte； and
