fallen tree — I knew it was recent because it wasn't entirely carpeted in
moss — rested against the trunk of one of her sisters, creating a
sheltered little bench just a few safe feet off the trail. I stepped over
the ferns and sat carefully, making sure my jacket was between the damp
seat and my clothes wherever they touched, and leaned my hooded head back
against the living tree.
This was the wrong place to have come. I should have known, but where
else was there to go? The forest was deep green and far too much like the
scene in last night's dream to allow for peace of mind. Now that there
was no longer the sound of my soggy footsteps, the silence was piercing.
The birds were quiet, too, the drops increasing in frequency, so it must
be raining above. The ferns stood higher than my head, now that I was
seated, and I knew someone could walk by on the path, three feet away,
and not see me.
Here in the trees it was much easier to believe the absurdities that
embarrassed me indoors. Nothing had changed in this forest for thousands
of years, and all the myths and legends of a hundred different lands
seemed much more likely in this green haze than they had in my clear-cut
bedroom.
I forced myself to focus on the two most vital questions I had to answer,
but I did so unwillingly.
First, I had to decide if it was possible that what Jacob had said about
the Cullens could be true.
Immediately my mind responded with a resounding negative. It was silly
and morbid to entertain such ridiculous notions. But what, then? I asked
myself. There was no rational explanation for how I was alive at this
moment. I listed again in my head the things I'd observed myself: the
impossible speed and strength, the eye color shifting from black to gold
and back again, the inhuman beauty, the pale, frigid skin. And more —
small things that registered slowly — how they never seemed to eat, the
disturbing grace with which they moved. And the way be
sometimes spoke, with unfamiliar cadences and phrases that better fit the
style of a turn-of-the-century novel than that of a twenty-first-century
classroom. He had skipped class the day we'd done blood typing. He hadn't
said no to the beach trip till he heard where we were going. He seemed to
know what everyone around him was thinking… except me. He had told me he
was the villain, dangerous…
Could the Cullens be vampires?
Well, they were something. Something outside the possibility of rational
justification was taking place in front of my incredulous eyes. Whether
it be Jacob's cold ones or my own superhero theory, Edward Cullen was
not… human. He was something more.
So then — maybe. That would have to be my answer for now.
And then the most important question of all. What was I going to do if it
was true?
If Edward was a vampire — I could hardly make myself think the words —
then what should I do? Involving someone else was definitely out. I
couldn't even believe myself; anyone I told would have me committed.
Only two options seemed practical. The first was to take his advice: to
be smart, to avoid him as much as possible. To cancel our plans, to go
back to ignoring him as far as I was able. To pretend there was an
impenetrably thick glass wall between us in the one class where we were
forced together. To tell him to leave me alone — and mean it this time.
I was gripped in a sudden agony of despair as I considered that
alternative. My mind rejected the pain, quickly skipping on to the next
option.
I could do nothing different. After all, if he was something… sinister,
he'd done nothing to hurt me so far. In fact, I would be a dent in
Tyler's fender if he hadn't acted so quickly. So quickly, I argued with
myself, that it might have been sheer reflexes. But if it was a reflex to
save lives, how bad could he be? I retorted. My head spun around in
answerless circles.
There was one thing I was sure of, if I was sure of anything. The dark
Edward in my dream last night was a reflection only of my fear of the
word Jacob had spoken, and not Edward himself. Even so, when I'd screamed
out in terror at the werewolf's lunge, it wasn't fear for the wolf that
brought the cry of "no" to my lips. It was fear that he would be harmed —
even as he called to me with sharp-edged fangs, I feared for him.
And I knew in that I had my answer. I didn't know if there ever was a
choice, really. I was already in too deep. Now that I knew — if I knew —
I could do nothing about my frightening secret. Because when I thought of
him, of his voice, his hypnotic eyes, the magnetic force of his
personality, I wanted nothing more than to be with him right now. Even
if… but I couldn't think it. Not here, alone in the darkening forest. Not
while the rain made it dim as twilight under the canopy and pattered like
footsteps across the matted earthen floor. I shivered and rose quickly
from my place of concealment, worried that somehow the path would have
disappeared with the rain.
But it was there, safe and clear, winding its way out of the dripping
green maze. I followed it hastily, my hood pulled close around my face,
becoming surprised, as I nearly ran through the trees, at how far I had
come. I started to wonder if I was heading out at all, or following the
path farther into the confines of the forest. Before I could get too
panicky, though, I began to glimpse some open spaces through the webbed
branches. And then I could hear a car passing on the street, and I was
free, Charlie's lawn stretched out in front of me, the house beckoning
me, promising warmth and dry socks.
It was just noon when I got back inside. I went upstairs and got dressed
for the day, jeans and a t-shirt, since I was staying indoors. It didn't
take too much effort to concentrate on my task for the day, a paper on
Macbeth that was due Wednesday. I settled into outlining a rough draft
contentedly, more serene than I'd felt since… well, since Thursday
afternoon, if I was being honest.
That had always been my way, though. Making decisions was the painful
part for me, the part I agonized over. But once the decision was made, I
simply followed through — usually with relief that the choice was made.
Sometimes the relief was tainted by despair, like my decision to come to
Forks. But it was still better than wrestling with the alternatives.
This decision was ridiculously easy to live with. Dangerously easy.
And so the day was quiet, productive — I finished my paper before eight.
Charlie came home with a large catch, and I made a mental note to pick up
a book of recipes for fish while I was in Seattle next week. The chills
that flashed up my spine whenever I thought of that trip were no
different than the ones I'd felt before I'd taken my walk with Jacob
Black. They should be different, I thought. I should be afraid — I knew I
should be, but I couldn't feel the right kind of fear.
I slept dreamlessly that night, exhausted from beginning my day so early,
and sleeping so poorly the night before. I woke, for the second time
since arriving in Forks, to the bright yellow light of a sunny day. I
skipped to the window, stunned to see that there was hardly a cloud in
the sky, and those there were just fleecy little white puffs that
couldn't possibly be carrying any rain. I opened the window — surprised
when it opened silently, without sticking, not having opened it in who
knows how many years — and sucked in the relatively dry air. It was
nearly warm and hardly windy at all. My blood was electric in my veins.
Charlie was finishing breakfast when I came downstairs, and he picked up
on my mood immediately.
"Nice day out," he commented.
"Yes," I agreed with a grin.
He smiled back, his brown eyes crinkling around the edges. When Charlie
smiled, it was easier to see why he and my mother had jumped too quickly
into an early marriage. Most of the young romantic he'd been in those
days had faded before I'd known him, as the curly brown hair — the same
color, if not the same texture, as mine — had dwindled, slowly revealing
more and more of the shiny skin of his forehead. But when he smiled I
could see a little of the man who had run away with Renée when she was
just two years older than I was now.
I ate breakfast cheerily, watching the dust moats stirring in the
sunlight that streamed in the back window. Charlie called out a goodbye,
and I heard the cruiser pull away from the house. I hesitated on my way
out the door, hand on my rain jacket. It would be tempting fate to leave
it home. With a sigh, I folded it over my arm and stepped out into the
brightest light I'd seen in months.
By dint of much elbow grease, I was able to get both windows in the truck
almost completely rolled down. I was one of the first ones to school; I
hadn't even checked the clock in my hurry to get outside. I parked and
headed toward the seldom-used picnic benches on the south side of the
cafeteria. The benches were still a little damp, so I sat on my jacket,
glad to have a use for it. My homework was done — the product of a slow
social life — but there were a few Trig problems I wasn't sure I had
right. I took out my book industriously, but halfway through rechecking
the first problem I was daydreaming, watching the sunlight play on the
red-barked trees. I sketched inattentively along the margins of my
homework. After a few minutes, I suddenly realized I'd drawn five pairs
of dark eyes staring out of the page at me. I scrubbed them out with the
eraser.
"Bella!" I heard someone call, and it sounded like Mike.
I looked around to realize that the school had become populated while I'd
been sitting there, absentminded. Everyone was in t-shirts, some even in
shorts though the temperature couldn't be over sixty. Mike was coming
toward me in khaki shorts and a striped Rugby shirt, waving.
"Hey, Mike," I called, waving back, unable to be halfhearted on a morning
like this.
He came to sit by me, the tidy spikes of his hair shining golden in the
light, his grin stretching across his face. He was so delighted to see
me, I couldn't help but feel gratified.
"I never noticed before — your hair has red in it," he commented,
catching between his fingers a strand that was fluttering in the light
breeze.
"Only in the sun."
I became just a little uncomfortable as he tucked the lock behind my ear.
"Great day, isn't it?"
"My kind of day," I agreed.
"What did you do yesterday?" His tone was just a bit too proprietary.
"I mostly worked on my essay." I didn't add that I was finished with it —
no need to sound smug.
He hit his forehead with the heel of his hand. "Oh yeah — that's due
Thursday, right?"
"Um, Wednesday, I think."
"Wednesday?" He frowned. "That's not good… What are you writing yours on?"
"Whether Shakespeare's treatment of the female characters is
misogynistic."
He stared at me like I'd just spoken in pig Latin.
"I guess I'll have to get to work on that tonight," he said, deflated. "I
was going to ask if you wanted to go out."
"Oh." I was taken off guard. Why couldn't I ever have a pleasant
conversation with Mike anymore without it getting awkward?
"Well, we could go to dinner or something… and I could work on it later."
He smiled at me hopefully.
"Mike…" I hated being put on the spot. "I don't think that would be the
best idea."
His face fell. "Why?" he asked, his eyes guarded. My thoughts flickered
to Edward, wondering if that's where his thoughts were as well.
"I think… and if you ever repeat what I'm saying right now I will
cheerfully beat you to death," I threatened, "but I think that would hurt
Jessica's feelings."
He was bewildered, obviously not thinking in that direction at all.
"Jessica?"
"Really, Mike, are you blind?"
"Oh," he exhaled — clearly dazed. I took advantage of that to make my
escape.
"It's time for class, and I can't be late again." I gathered my books up
and stuffed them in my bag.
We walked in silence to building three, and his expression was
distracted. I hoped whatever thoughts he was immersed in were leading him
in the right direction.
When I saw Jessica in Trig, she was bubbling with enthusiasm. She,
Angela, and Lauren were going to Port Angeles tonight to go dress
shopping for the dance, and she wanted me to come, too, even though I
didn't need one. I was indecisive. It would be nice to get out of town
with some girlfriends, but Lauren would be there. And who knew what I
could be doing tonight… But that was definitely the wrong path to let my
mind wander down. Of course I was happy about the sunlight. But that
wasn't completely responsible for the euphoric mood I was in, not even
close.
So I gave her a maybe, telling her I'd have to talk with Charlie first.
She talked of nothing but the dance on the way to Spanish, continuing as
if without an interruption when class finally ended, five minutes late,
and we were on our way to lunch. I was far too lost in my own frenzy of
anticipation to notice much of what she said. I was painfully eager to
see not just him but all the Cullens — to compare them with the new
suspicions that plagued my mind. As I crossed the threshold of the
cafeteria, I felt the first true tingle of fear slither down my spine and
settle in my stomach. Would they be able to know what I was thinking? And
then a different feeling jolted through me — would Edward be waiting to
sit with me again?
As was my routine, I glanced first toward the Cullens' table. A shiver of
panic trembled in my stomach as I realized it was empty. With dwindling
hope, my eyes scoured the rest of the cafeteria, hoping to find him
alone, waiting for me. The place was nearly filled — Spanish had made us
late — but there was no sign of Edward or any of his family. Desolation
hit me with crippling strength.
I shambled along behind Jessica, not bothering to pretend to listen
anymore.
We were late enough that everyone was already at our table. I avoided the
empty chair next to Mike in favor of one by Angela. I vaguely noticed
that Mike held the chair out politely for Jessica, and that her face lit
up in response.
Angela asked a few quiet questions about the Macbeth paper, which I
answered as naturally as I could while spiraling downward in misery. She,
too, invited me to go with them tonight, and I agreed now, grasping at
anything to distract myself.
I realized I'd been holding on to a last shred of hope when I entered
Biology, saw his empty seat, and felt a new wave of disappointment.
The rest of the day passed slowly, dismally. In Gym, we had a lecture on
the rules of badminton, the next torture they had lined up for me. But at
least it meant I got to sit and listen instead of stumbling around on the
court. The best part was the coach didn't finish, so I got another day
off tomorrow. Never mind that the day after they would arm me with a
racket before unleashing me on the rest of the class.
I was glad to leave campus, so I would be free to pout and mope before I
went out tonight with Jessica and company. But right after I walked in
the door of Charlie's house, Jessica called to cancel our plans. I tried
to be happy that Mike had asked her out to dinner — I really was relieved
that he finally seemed to be catching on — but my enthusiasm sounded
false in my own ears. She rescheduled our shopping trip for tomorrow
night.
Which left me with little in the way of distractions. I had fish
marinating for dinner, with a salad and bread left over from the night
before, so there was nothing to do there. I spent a focused half hour on
homework, but then I was through with that, too. I checked my e-mail,
reading the backlog of letters from my mother, getting snippier as they
progressed to the present. I sighed and typed a quick response.
Mom,
Sorry. I've been out. I went to the beach with some friends. And I had to
write a paper.
My excuses were fairly pathetic, so I gave up on that.
It's sunny outside today - I know, I'm shocked, too - so I'm going to go
outside and soak up as much vitamin D as I can. I love you,
Bella.
I decided to kill an hour with non-school-related reading. I had a small
collection of books that came with me to Forks, the shabbiest volume
being a compilation of the works of Jane Austen. I selected that one and
headed to the backyard, grabbing a ragged old quilt from the linen
cupboard at the top of the stairs on my way down.
Outside in Charlie's small, square yard, I folded the quilt in half and
laid it out of the reach of the trees' shadows on the thick lawn that
would always be slightly wet, no matter how long the sun shone. I lay on
my stomach, crossing my ankles in the air, flipping through the different
novels in the book, trying to decide which would occupy my mind the most
thoroughly. My favorites were Pride and Prejudice and Sense and
Sensibility. I'd read the first most recently, so I started into Sense
and Sensibility, only to remember after I began three that the hero of
the story happened to be named Edward. Angrily, I turned to Mansfield
Park, but the hero of that piece was named Edmund, and that was just too
close. Weren't there any other names available in the late eighteenth
century? I snapped the book shut, annoyed, and rolled over onto my back.
I pushed my sleeves up as high as they would go, and closed my eyes. I
would think of nothing but the warmth on my skin, I told myself severely.
The breeze was still light, but it blew tendrils of my hair around my
face, and that tickled a bit. I pulled all my hair over my head, letting
it fan out on the quilt above me, and focused again on the heat that
touched my eyelids, my cheekbones, my nose, my lips, my forearms, my
neck, soaked through my light shirt…
The next thing I was conscious of was the sound of Charlie's cruiser
turning onto the bricks of the driveway. I sat up in surprise, realizing
the light was gone, behind the trees, and I had fallen asleep. I looked
around, muddled, with the sudden feeling that I wasn't alone.
"Charlie?" I asked. But I could hear his door slamming in front of the
house.
I jumped up, foolishly edgy, gathering the now-damp quilt and my book. I
ran inside to get some oil heating on the stove, realizing that dinner
would be late. Charlie was hanging up his gun belt and stepping out of
his boots when I came in.
"Sorry, Dad, dinner's not ready yet — I fell asleep outside." I stifled a
yawn.
"Don't worry about it," he said. "I wanted to catch the score on the
game, anyway."
I watched TV with Charlie after dinner, for something to do. There wasn't
anything on I wanted to watch, but he knew I didn't like baseball, so he
turned it to some mindless sitcom that neither of us enjoyed. He seemed
happy, though, to be doing something together. And it felt good, despite
my depression, to make him happy.
"Dad," I said during a commercial, "Jessica and Angela are going to look
at dresses for the dance tomorrow night in Port Angeles, and they wanted
me to help them choose… do you mind if I go with them?"
"Jessica Stanley?" he asked.
"And Angela Weber." I sighed as I gave him the details.
He was confused. "But you're not going to the dance, right?"
"No, Dad, but I'm helping them find dresses — you know, giving them
constructive criticism." I wouldn't have to explain this to a woman.
"Well, okay." He seemed to realize that he was out of his depth with the
girlie stuff. "It's a school night, though."
"We'll leave right after school, so we can get back early. You'll be okay
for dinner, right?"
"Bells, I fed myself for seventeen years before you got here," he
reminded me.
"I don't know how you survived," I muttered, then added more clearly,
"I'll leave some things for cold-cut sandwiches in the fridge, okay?
Right on top."
It was sunny again in the morning. I awakened with renewed hope that I
grimly tried to suppress. I dressed for the warmer weather in a deep blue
V-neck blouse — something I'd worn in the dead of winter in Phoenix.
I had planned my arrival at school so that I barely had time to make it
to class. With a sinking heart, I circled the full lot looking for a
space, while also searching for the silver Volvo that was clearly not
there. I parked in the last row and hurried to English, arriving
breathless, but subdued, before the final bell.
It was the same as yesterday — I just couldn't keep little sprouts of
hope from budding in my mind, only to have them squashed painfully as I
searched the lunchroom in vain and sat at my empty Biology table.
The Port Angeles scheme was back on again for tonight and made all the
more attractive by the fact that Lauren had other obligations. I was
anxious to get out of town so I could stop glancing over my shoulder,
hoping to see him appearing out of the blue the way he always did. I
vowed to myself that I would be in a good mood tonight and not ruin
Angela's or Jessica's enjoyment in the dress hunting. Maybe I could do a
little clothes shopping as well. I refused to think that I might be
shopping alone in Seattle this weekend, no longer interested in the
earlier arrangement. Surely he wouldn't cancel without at least telling
me.
After school, Jessica followed me home in her old white Mercury so that I
could ditch my books and truck. I brushed through my hair quickly when I
was inside, feeling a slight lift of excitement as I contemplated getting
out of Forks. I left a note for Charlie on the table, explaining again
where to find dinner, switched my scruffy wallet from my school bag to a
purse I rarely used, and ran out to join Jessica. We went to Angela's
house next, and she was waiting for us. My excitement increased
exponentially as we actually drove out of the town limits.
===========================================================================
8. PORT ANGELES
Jess drove faster than the Chief, so we made it to Port Angeles by four.
It had been a while since I'd had a girls' night out, and the estrogen
rush was invigorating. We listened to whiny rock songs while Jessica
jabbered on about the boys we hung out with. Jessica's dinner with Mike
had gone very well, and she was hoping that by Saturday night they would
have progressed to the first-kiss stage. I smiled to myself, pleased.
Angela was passively happy to be going to the dance, but not really
interested in Eric. Jess tried to get her to confess who her type was,
but I interrupted with a question about dresses after a bit, to spare
her. Angela threw a grateful glance my way.
Port Angeles was a beautiful little tourist trap, much more polished and
quaint than Forks. But Jessica and Angela knew it well, so they didn't
plan to waste time on the picturesque boardwalk by the bay. Jess drove
straight to the one big department store in town, which was a few streets
in from the bay area's visitor-friendly face.
The dance was billed as semiformal, and we weren't exactly sure what that
meant. Both Jessica and Angela seemed surprised and almost disbelieving
when I told them I'd never been to a dance in Phoenix.
"Didn't you ever go with a boyfriend or something?" Jess asked dubiously
as we walked through the front doors of the store.
"Really," I tried to convince her, not wanting to confess my dancing
problems. "I've never had a boyfriend or anything close. I didn't go out
much."
"Why not?" Jessica demanded.
"No one asked me," I answered honestly.
She looked skeptical. "People ask you out here," she reminded me, "and
you tell them no." We were in the juniors' section now, scanning the
racks for dress-up clothes.
"Well, except for Tyler," Angela amended quietly.
"Excuse me?" I gasped. "What did you say?"
"Tyler told everyone he's taking you to prom," Jessica informed me with
suspicious eyes.
"He said what?" I sounded like I was choking.
"I told you it wasn't true," Angela murmured to Jessica.
I was silent, still lost in shock that was quickly turning to irritation.
But we had found the dress racks, and now we had work to do.
"That's why Lauren doesn't like you," Jessica giggled while we pawed
through the clothes.
I ground my teeth. "Do you think that if I ran him over with my truck he
would stop feeling guilty about the accident? That he might give up on
making amends and call it even?"
"Maybe," Jess snickered. '"If that's why he's doing this."
The dress selection wasn't large, but both of them found a few things to
try on. I sat on a low chair just inside the dressing room, by the
three-way mirror, trying to control my fuming.
Jess was torn between two — one a long, strapless, basic black number,
the other a knee-length electric blue with spaghetti straps. I encouraged
her to go with the blue; why not play up the eyes? Angela chose a pale
pink dress that draped around her tall frame nicely and brought out honey
