"I won't let you get lost." He turned then, with a mocking smile, and I
stifled a gasp. His white shirt was sleeveless, and he wore it
unbuttoned, so that the smooth white skin of his throat flowed
uninterrupted over the marble contours of his chest, his perfect
musculature no longer merely hinted at behind concealing clothes. He was
too perfect, I realized with a piercing stab of despair. There was no way
this godlike creature could be meant for me.
He stared at me, bewildered by my tortured expression.
"Do you want to go home?" he said quietly, a different pain than mine
saturating his voice.
"No." I walked forward till I was close beside him, anxious not to waste
one second of whatever time I might have with him.
"What's wrong?" he asked, his voice gentle.
"I'm not a good hiker," I answered dully. "You'll have to be very
patient."
"I can be patient — if I make a great effort." He smiled, holding my
glance, trying to lift me out of my sudden, unexplained dejection.
I tried to smile back, but the smile was unconvincing. He scrutinized my
face.
"I'll take you home," he promised. I couldn't tell if the promise was
unconditional, or restricted to an immediate departure. I knew he thought
it was fear that upset me, and I was grateful again that I was the one
person whose mind he couldn't hear.
"If you want me to hack five miles through the jungle before sundown,
you'd better start leading the way," I said acidly. He frowned at me,
struggling to understand my tone and expression.
He gave up after a moment and led the way into the forest.
It wasn't as hard as I had feared. The way was mostly flat, and he held
the damp ferns and webs of moss aside for me. When his straight path took
us over fallen trees or boulders, he would help me, lifting me by the
elbow, and then releasing me instantly when I was clear. His cold touch
on my skin never failed to make my heart thud erratically. Twice, when
that happened, I caught a look on his face that made me sure he could
somehow hear it.
I tried to keep my eyes away from his perfection as much as possible, but
I slipped often. Each time, his beauty pierced me through with sadness.
For the most part, we walked in silence. Occasionally he would ask a
random question that he hadn't gotten to in the past two days of
interrogation. He asked about my birthdays, my grade school teachers, my
childhood pets — and I had to admit that after killing three fish in a
row, I'd given up on the whole institution. He laughed at that, louder
than I was used to — bell-like echoes bouncing back to us from the empty
woods.
The hike took me most of the morning, but he never showed any sign of
impatience. The forest spread out around us in a boundless labyrinth of
ancient trees, and I began to be nervous that we would never find our way
out again. He was perfectly at ease, comfortable in the green maze, never
seeming to feel any doubt about our direction.
After several hours, the light that filtered through the canopy
transformed, the murky olive tone shifting to a brighter jade. The day
had turned sunny, just as he'd foretold. For the first time since we'd
entered the woods, I felt a thrill of excitement — which quickly turned
to impatience.
"Are we there yet?" I teased, pretending to scowl.
"Nearly." He smiled at the change in my mood. "Do you see the brightness
ahead?"
I peered into the thick forest. "Um, should I?"
He smirked. "Maybe it's a bit soon for your eyes."
"Time to visit the optometrist," I muttered. His smirk grew more
pronounced.
But then, after another hundred yards, I could definitely see a
lightening in the trees ahead, a glow that was yellow instead of green. I
picked up the pace, my eagerness growing with every step. He let me lead
now, following noiselessly.
I reached the edge of the pool of light and stepped through the last
fringe of ferns into the loveliest place I had ever seen. The meadow was
small, perfectly round, and filled with wildflowers — violet, yellow, and
soft white. Somewhere nearby, I could hear the bubbling music of a
stream. The sun was directly overhead, filling the circle with a haze of
buttery sunshine. I walked slowly, awestruck, through the soft grass,
swaying flowers, and warm, gilded air. I halfway turned, wanting to share
this with him, but he wasn't behind me where I thought he'd be. I spun
around, searching for him with sudden alarm. Finally I spotted him, still
under the dense shade of the canopy at the edge of the hollow, watching
me with cautious eyes. Only then did I remember what the beauty of the
meadow had driven from my mind — the enigma of Edward and the sun, which
he'd promised to illustrate for me today.
I took a step back toward him, my eyes alight with curiosity. His eyes
were wary, reluctant. I smiled encouragingly and beckoned to him with my
hand, taking another step back to him. He held up a hand in warning, and
I hesitated, rocking back onto my heels.
Edward seemed to take a deep breath, and then he stepped out into the
bright glow of the midday sun.
===========================================================================
13. CONFESSIONS
Edward in the sunlight was shocking. I couldn't get used to it, though
I'd been staring at him all afternoon. His skin, white despite the faint
flush from yesterday's hunting trip, literally sparkled, like thousands
of tiny diamonds were embedded in the surface. He lay perfectly still in
the grass, his shirt open over his sculpted, incandescent chest, his
scintillating arms bare. His glistening, pale lavender lids were shut,
though of course he didn't sleep. A perfect statue, carved in some
unknown stone, smooth like marble, glittering like crystal.
Now and then, his lips would move, so fast it looked like they were
trembling. But, when I asked, he told me he was singing to himself; it
was too low for me to hear.
I enjoyed the sun, too, though the air wasn't quite dry enough for my
taste. I would have liked to lie back, as he did, and let the sun warm my
face. But I stayed curled up, my chin resting on my knees, unwilling to
take my eyes off him. The wind was gentle; it tangled my hair and ruffled
the grass that swayed around his motionless form.
The meadow, so spectacular to me at first, paled next to his magnificence.
Hesitantly, always afraid, even now, that he would disappear like a
mirage, too beautiful to be real… hesitantly, I reached out one finger
and stroked the back of his shimmering hand, where it lay within my
reach. I marveled again at the perfect texture, satin smooth, cool as
stone. When I looked up again, his eyes were open, watching me.
Butterscotch today, lighter, warmer after hunting. His quick smile turned
up the corners of his flawless lips.
"I don't scare you?" he asked playfully, but I could hear the real
curiosity in his soft voice.
"No more than usual."
He smiled wider; his teeth flashed in the sun.
I inched closer, stretched out my whole hand now to trace the contours of
his forearm with my fingertips. I saw that my fingers trembled, and knew
it wouldn't escape his notice.
"Do you mind?" I asked, for he had closed his eyes again.
"No," he said without opening his eyes. "You can't imagine how that
feels." He sighed.
I lightly trailed my hand over the perfect muscles of his arm, followed
the faint pattern of bluish veins inside the crease at his elbow. With my
other hand, I reached to turn his hand over. Realizing what I wished, he
flipped his palm up in one of those blindingly fast, disconcerting
movements of his. It startled me; my fingers froze on his arm for a brief
second.
"Sorry," he murmured. I looked up in time to see his golden eyes close
again. "It's too easy to be myself with you."
I lifted his hand, turning it this way and that as I watched the sun
glitter on his palm. I held it closer to my face, trying to see the
hidden facets in his skin.
"Tell me what you're thinking," he whispered. I looked to see his eyes
watching me, suddenly intent. "It's still so strange for me, not knowing."
"You know, the rest of us feel that way all the time."
"It's a hard life." Did I imagine the hint of regret in his tone? "But
you didn't tell me."
"I was wishing I could know what you were thinking…" I hesitated.
"And?"
"I was wishing that I could believe that you were real. And I was wishing
that I wasn't afraid."
"I don't want you to be afraid." His voice was just a soft murmur. I
heard what he couldn't truthfully say, that I didn't need to be afraid,
that there was nothing to fear.
"Well, that's not exactly the fear I meant, though that's certainly
something to think about."
So quickly that I missed his movement, he was half sitting, propped up on
his right arm, his left palm still in my hands. His angel's face was only
a few inches from mine. I might have — should have — flinched away from
his unexpected closeness, but I was unable to move. His golden eyes
mesmerized me.
"What are you afraid of, then?" he whispered intently.
But I couldn't answer. As I had just that once before, I smelled his cool
breath in my face. Sweet, delicious, the scent made my mouth water. It
was unlike anything else. Instinctively, unthinkingly, I leaned closer,
inhaling.
And he was gone, his hand ripped from mine. In the time it took my eyes
to focus, he was twenty feet away, standing at the edge of the small
meadow, in the deep shade of a huge fir tree. He stared at me, his eyes
dark in the shadows, his expression unreadable.
I could feel the hurt and shock on my face. My empty hands stung.
"I'm… sorry… Edward," I whispered. I knew he could hear.
"Give me a moment," he called, just loud enough for my less sensitive
ears. I sat very still.
After ten incredibly long seconds, he walked back, slowly for him. He
stopped, still several feet away, and sank gracefully to the ground,
crossing his legs. His eyes never left mine. He took two deep breaths,
and then smiled in apology.
"I am so very sorry." He hesitated. "Would you understand what I meant if
I said I was only human?"
I nodded once, not quite able to smile at his joke. Adrenaline pulsed
through my veins as the realization of danger slowly sank in. He could
smell that from where he sat. His smile turned mocking.
"I'm the world's best predator, aren't I? Everything about me invites you
in — my voice, my face, even my smell. As if I need any of that!"
Unexpectedly, he was on his feet, bounding away, instantly out of sight,
only to appear beneath the same tree as before, having circled the meadow
in half a second.
"As if you could outrun me," he laughed bitterly.
He reached up with one hand and, with a deafening crack, effortlessly
ripped a two-foot-thick branch from the trunk of the spruce. He balanced
it in that hand for a moment, and then threw it with blinding speed,
shattering it against another huge tree, which shook and trembled at the
blow.
And he was in front of me again, standing two feet away, still as a stone.
"As if you could fight me off," he said gently.
I sat without moving, more frightened of him than I had ever been. I'd
never seen him so completely freed of that carefully cultivated facade.
He'd never been less human… or more beautiful. Face ashen, eyes wide, I
sat like a bird locked in the eyes of a snake.
His lovely eyes seem to glow with rash excitement. Then, as the seconds
passed, they dimmed. His expression slowly folded into a mask of ancient
sadness.
"Don't be afraid," he murmured, his velvet voice unintentionally
seductive. "I promise…" He hesitated. "I swear not to hurt you." He
seemed more concerned with convincing himself than me.
"Don't be afraid," he whispered again as he stepped closer, with
exaggerated slowness. He sat sinuously, with deliberately unhurried
movements, till our faces were on the same level, just a foot apart.
"Please forgive me," he said formally. "I can control myself. You caught
me off guard. But I'm on my best behavior now."
He waited, but I still couldn't speak.
"I'm not thirsty today, honestly." He winked.
At that I had to laugh, though the sound was shaky and breathless.
"Are you all right?" he asked tenderly, reaching out slowly, carefully,
to place his marble hand back in mine.
I looked at his smooth, cold hand, and then at his eyes. They were soft,
repentant. I looked back at his hand, and then deliberately returned to
tracing the lines in his hand with my fingertip. I looked up and smiled
timidly.
His answering smile was dazzling.
"So where were we, before I behaved so rudely?" he asked in the gentle
cadences of an earlier century.
"I honestly can't remember."
He smiled, but his face was ashamed. "I think we were talking about why
you were afraid, besides the obvious reason."
"Oh, right."
"Well?"
I looked down at his hand and doodled aimlessly across his smooth,
iridescent palm. The seconds ticked by.
"How easily frustrated I am," he sighed. I looked into his eyes, abruptly
grasping that this was every bit as new to him as it was to me. As many
years of unfathomable experience as he had, this was hard for him, too. I
took courage from that thought.
"I was afraid… because, for, well, obvious reasons, I can't stay with
you. And I'm afraid that I'd like to stay with you, much more than I
should." I looked down at his hands as I spoke. It was difficult for me
to say this aloud.
"Yes," he agreed slowly. "That is something to be afraid of, indeed.
Wanting to be with me. That's really not in your best interest."
I frowned.
"I should have left long ago," he sighed. "I should leave now. But I
don't know if I can."
"I don't want you to leave," I mumbled pathetically, staring down again.
"Which is exactly why I should. But don't worry. I'm essentially a
selfish creature. I crave your company too much to do what I should."
"I'm glad."
"Don't be!" He withdrew his hand, more gently this time; his voice was
harsher than usual. Harsh for him, still more beautiful than any human
voice. It was hard to keep up — his sudden mood changes left me always a
step behind, dazed.
"It's not only your company I crave! Never forget that. Never forget I am
more dangerous to you than I am to anyone else." He stopped, and I looked
to see him gazing unseeingly into the forest.
I thought for a moment.
"I don't think I understand exactly what you mean — by that last part
anyway," I said.
He looked back at me and smiled, his mood shifting yet again.
"How do I explain?" he mused. "And without frightening you again… hmmmm."
Without seeming to think about it, he placed his hand back in mine; I
held it tightly in both of mine. He looked at our hands.
"That's amazingly pleasant, the warmth." He sighed.
A moment passed as he assembled his thoughts.
"You know how everyone enjoys different flavors?" he began. "Some people
love chocolate ice cream, others prefer strawberry?"
I nodded.
"Sorry about the food analogy — I couldn't think of another way to
explain."
I smiled. He smiled ruefully back.
"You see, every person smells different, has a different essence. If you
locked an alcoholic in a room full of stale beer, he'd gladly drink it.
But he could resist, if he wished to, if he were a recovering alcoholic.
Now let's say you placed in that room a glass of hundred-year-old brandy,
the rarest, finest cognac — and filled the room with its warm aroma — how
do you think he would fare then?"
We sat silently, looking into each other's eyes — trying to read each
other's thoughts.
He broke the silence first.
"Maybe that's not the right comparison. Maybe it would be too easy to
turn down the brandy. Perhaps I should have made our alcoholic a heroin
addict instead."
"So what you're saying is, I'm your brand of heroin?" I teased, trying to
lighten the mood.
He smiled swiftly, seeming to appreciate my effort. "Yes, you are exactly
my brand of heroin."
"Does that happen often?" I asked.
He looked across the treetops, thinking through his response.
"I spoke to my brothers about it." He still stared into the distance. "To
Jasper, every one of you is much the same. He's the most recent to join
our family. It's a struggle for him to abstain at all. He hasn't had time
to grow sensitive to the differences in smell, in flavor." He glanced
swiftly at me, his expression apologetic.
"Sorry," he said.
"I don't mind. Please don't worry about offending me, or frightening me,
or whichever. That's the way you think. I can understand, or I can try to
at least. Just explain however you can."
He took a deep breath and gazed at the sky again.
"So Jasper wasn't sure if he'd ever come across someone who was as" — he
hesitated, looking for the right word — "appealing as you are to me.
Which makes me think not. Emmett has been on the wagon longer, so to
speak, and he understood what I meant. He says twice, for him, once
stronger than the other."
"And for you?"
"Never."
The word hung there for a moment in the warm breeze.
"What did Emmett do?" I asked to break the silence.
It was the wrong question to ask. His face grew dark, his hand clenched
into a fist inside mine. He looked away. I waited, but he wasn't going to
answer.
"I guess I know," I finally said.
He lifted his eyes; his expression was wistful, pleading.
"Even the strongest of us fall off the wagon, don't we?"
"What are you asking? My permission?" My voice was sharper than I'd
intended. I tried to make my tone kinder — I could guess what his honesty
must cost him. "I mean, is there no hope, then?" How calmly I could
discuss my own death!
"No, no!" He was instantly contrite. "Of course there's hope! I mean, of
course I won't…" He left the sentence hanging. His eyes burned into mine.
"It's different for us. Emmett… these were strangers he happened across.
It was a long time ago, and he wasn't as… practiced, as careful, as he is
now."
He fell silent and watched me intently as I thought it through.
"So if we'd met… oh, in a dark alley or something…" I trailed off.
"It took everything I had not to jump up in the middle of that class full
of children and —" He stopped abruptly, looking away. "When you walked
past me, I could have ruined everything Carlisle has built for us, right
then and there. If I hadn't been denying my thirst for the last, well,
too many years, I wouldn't have been able to stop myself." He paused,
scowling at the trees.
He glanced at me grimly, both of us remembering. "You must have thought I
was possessed."
"I couldn't understand why. How you could hate me so quickly…"
"To me, it was like you were some kind of demon, summoned straight from
my own personal hell to ruin me. The fragrance coming off your skin… I
thought it would make me deranged that first day. In that one hour, I
thought of a hundred different ways to lure you from the room with me, to
get you alone. And I fought them each back, thinking of my family, what I
could do to them. I had to run out, to get away before I could speak the
words that would make you follow…"
He looked up then at my staggered expression as I tried to absorb his
bitter memories. His golden eyes scorched from under his lashes, hypnotic
and deadly.
"You would have come," he promised.
I tried to speak calmly. "Without a doubt."
He frowned down at my hands, releasing me from the force of his stare.
"And then, as I tried to rearrange my schedule in a pointless attempt to
avoid you, you were there — in that close, warm little room, the scent
was maddening. I so very nearly took you then. There was only one other
frail human there — so easily dealt with."
I shivered in the warm sun, seeing my memories anew through his eyes,
only now grasping the danger. Poor Ms. Cope; I shivered again at how
close I'd come to being inadvertently responsible for her death.
"But I resisted. I don't know how. I forced myself not to wait for you,
not to follow you from the school. It was easier outside, when I couldn't
smell you anymore, to think clearly, to make the right decision. I left
the others near home — I was too ashamed to tell them how weak I was,
they only knew something was very wrong — and then I went straight to
Carlisle, at the hospital, to tell him I was leaving."
I stared in surprise.
"I traded cars with him — he had a full tank of gas and I didn't want to
stop. I didn't dare to go home, to face Esme. She wouldn't have let me go
without a scene. She would have tried to convince me that it wasn't
necessary…
"By the next morning I was in Alaska." He sounded ashamed, as if
admitting a great cowardice. "I spent two days there, with some old
acquaintances… but I was homesick. I hated knowing I'd upset Esme, and
the rest of them, my adopted family. In the pure air of the mountains it
was hard to believe you were so irresistible. I convinced myself it was
weak to run away. I'd dealt with temptation before, not of this
magnitude, not even close, but I was strong. Who were you, an
insignificant little girl" — he grinned suddenly — "to chase me from the
place I wanted to be? So I came back…" He stared off into space.
I couldn't speak.
"I took precautions, hunting, feeding more than usual before seeing you
again. I was sure that I was strong enough to treat you like any other
human. I was arrogant about it.
"It was unquestionably a complication that I couldn't simply read your
thoughts to know what your reaction was to me. I wasn't used to having to
go to such circuitous measures, listening to your words in Jessica's
mind… her mind isn't very original, and it was annoying to have to stoop
to that. And then I couldn't know if you really meant what you said. It
was all extremely irritating." He frowned at the memory.
"I wanted you to forget my behavior that first day, if possible, so I
tried to talk with you like I would with any person. I was eager
actually, hoping to decipher some of your thoughts. But you were too
interesting, I found myself caught up in your expressions… and every now
and then you would stir the air with your hand or your hair, and the
scent would stun me again…
"Of course, then you were nearly crushed to death in front of my eyes.
Later I thought of a perfectly good excuse for why I acted at that moment
— because if I hadn't saved you, if your blood had been spilled there in
front of me, I don't think I could have stopped myself from exposing us
for what we are. But I only thought of that excuse later. At the time,
all I could think was, 'Not her.'"
He closed his eyes, lost in his agonized confession. I listened, more
eager than rational. Common sense told me I should be terrified. Instead,
I was relieved to finally understand. And I was filled with compassion
for his suffering, even now, as he confessed his craving to take my life.
I finally was able to speak, though my voice was faint. "In the hospital?"
His eyes flashed up to mine. "I was appalled. I couldn't believe I had
put us in danger after all, put myself in your power — you of all people.
As if I needed another motive to kill you." We both flinched as that word
slipped out. "But it had the opposite effect," he continued quickly. "I
fought with Rosalie, Emmett, and Jasper when they suggested that now was
the time… the worst fight we've ever had. Carlisle sided with me, and
Alice." He grimaced when he said her name. I couldn't imagine why. "Esme
told me to do whatever I had to in order to stay." He shook his head
indulgently.
"All that next day I eavesdropped on the minds of everyone you spoke to,
shocked that you kept your word. I didn't understand you at all. But I
knew that I couldn't become more involved with you. I did my very best to
stay as far from you as possible. And every day the perfume of your skin,
